It started raining yesterday. Really raining. It's not a bad thing as it is so dry around here after several months without rain. The drastic changes in weather can be a little tough on mental health though.

Yesterday, after school on the playground there was a tree frog invasion. There was literally so many frogs that hundreds would jump with every step you took across the grass. It was biblical in proportions. We spent a couple hours catching frogs, putting them on our coats, rearranging them and moving them back into the forest. Each and every one of my kids have made a complete transformation from city kids scared of bugs and critters to grubby, carefree, country kids.

It's funny, now that Parker and Eliza have all day together they get along better than ever. They are sitting here playing trains together happily. I knew that one day all that money invested in Thomas train stuff would pay off. I hope my children will be friends as adults. I try to teach them, more than anything, to love and respect each other. Meaning all the little differences that they find so annoying in each other. All the little nuances that they pick up on and then use to mercilessly drive each other crazy.

Tristan being the oldest and probably the one most subjected to mistakes and over-zealous parenting (being the first at everything we learn with her and refine through the others)., gets along the least with all the others. She adored Parker as a baby and was very maternal and often jealous of me, she wanted to be the mother. Now that he is older and more mobile and opinionated she really doesn't have time for him He "bugs" her. They all "bug" her. It's funny when she is out the house is mostly harmonious, but when she's here it's all fighting all the time.

She constantly amazes me with her maturity and intelligence. She can do so many things so easily. I have never been that way, except perhaps with writing. She can hear a song once and then play it on the piano, or the recorder, or guitar... or even the table. She completed grade 2 and 3 last year and is working on grade 3/4 and some 5 this year. But, as i think is often the case with smart or gifted children she is socially awkward and probably below age level. She has trouble making friendships "stick". It doesn't bother her though. She's happy to have a playdate if i set it up for her, but otherwise doesn't bother. She's an introvert like me and her dad. We haven't modeled that very well for her. We rarely, if ever, have friends over. We don't even really have any and don't really make an effort to change that.

But, we love our families, warts and all. This weekend i am dreading going to Vancouver to help my brother celebrate his one year sober and to say goodbye to him as he is moving to Sweden to be with the woman he loves whom he met on a Lord of the Rings message board. I really don't went to go. I think part of it is that it will all take place at his church and churches make me very uncomfortable. Everybody's too nice, but in a way that makes me feel like they have expectations of me. I don't like expectations because i am being set up to fail. Also, i just don't trust him. I don't trust that this is going to last and i am just so scared he is going to break my heart again. My brother was my hero. And then i had to save him from himself and it was hard and disappointing. Disappointment is a difficult pill to swallow.

Plus, the whole moving to Sweden thing. I just don't get that. I don't get internet romance. I think probably because i never participated. I think too that getting up and moving to another country when your newly sober is probably not the wisest idea. He has no support networks there.

I suppose that i look at my children and worry for them and the genetic make-up they've inherited. And i want them to love each other and support each other and not be disappointed in each other.

I was tagged by Chantal at Bread Crumbs in the Butter and dammit, i hate chain mail which is all it really is, but i'm too superstitious or too much of a keener not to do it. I got tagged!

Ten Years Ago:

Shane and I were living in a huge 2 bedroom apartment in Victoria, it was actually the main floor of a character house - i still miss it. We were young and happy. Just us and our dog, Pesto. I was working at an alternative newspaper and running a small record label. Shane was starting his graphic design business and playing in a locally popular band, Gallery 6. We went out to see bands pretty much every night. It was awesome and i still miss it, sometimes.

Five Years Ago:

We had just purchased our first home, a duplex in Victoria - we didn't stay long. We bought a fixer upper a year later and made our fortune (ha!) off that. Tristan was three and Toby was one. What i really remember is how happy i was. I had great friends whom i had a daily playdate with at the local park every weekday, Tristan and Toby happily rode around in the bicycle trailer for hours on end and i was in great shape. About 2 weeks later i found out i was pregnant with Eliza.

One Year Ago:

Four kids and a new house in the country. A new school for Tristan, her fourth, and Toby's first year in kindergarten. I was very lonely last september. The first few months in the country were very tough. I've never felt so isolated and alone. But then we found our school and the community involved with it and everything changed.

Yesterday:

Hmmm. I shaved off an ungodly amount of pubic hair and have been paying the price back in golden itchiness ever since.

I also took Toby to a four hour birthday party (insane parents) and then went shopping at Old Navy. I'm sorry, but i love Old Navy. I can buy three pairs of cords for $100 and wear them all winter, then toss them out. Plus! They come in short. Hello size 8 short. You fit me perfect - no sewing - I don't sew. Then i went to see The Forty Year Old Virgin. I left after 40 minutes because my popcorn was gone and the movie wasn't nearly good enough to waste anymore of my precious four hours on. It was funny though and i laughed so hard i cried during the waxing scene - i think probably out of sympathy. Plus, there was two guys sitting right behind me laughing obnoxiously loud and kicking the seat PLUS THERE WAS ONLY THREE OF US IN THE ENTIRE THEATRE. But somehow sitting right behind me was the best spot they could find.

Then i picked up Toby from the party, drove home, made lasagna, cleaned up the kitchen, fed the dogs, folded laundry, fed the chickens, bathed the kids, did the homereading from school, put the kids to bed, nursed Parker 75 times, watched Desperate Housewives, West Wing (walked the dogs) and Greys Anatomy, read a few blogs, did "it", put the chickens to bed, nursed Parker 75 more times, went to bed.

Five Songs I Know All The Words To:

I really can't answer this because i know the words to pretty much every song i've ever heard more than once, i'm funny that way. Anyway, the 3hive podcast has lots of songs that i think are pretty cool.

Five Snacks:

rice crackers with creme fraiche and jalapeno jelly
milk duds - only available at the theatre
grocery store cucumber sushi
apple sauce
veggies and dip

Five things I'd do with 100 million dollars:

I don't know! Buy a bigger house and a new car - some hybrid that seats 8!
Play with my children.
Donate a lot.
Eat lots of yummy food.
Get a swimming pool.

Five places I'd run away to:

Kihei, Maui
Toronto
New York
Italy
France

Five things I would never wear:

high waisted pants
hot pink
blue eyeshadow
ass writing
bikini

Five Favourite TV Shows

Six Feet Under
Entourage
The Sopranos
Survivor
Rescue Me

Five greatest joys

Tristan
Toby
Eliza
Parker
An evening out with Shane

Five favourite toys:

iBook
iPod
eMac
Canon Digital Rebel XT
the trampoline

Current Reads:

Entertainment Weekly
A gazillion children's books
Little Earthquakes
Heavier Than Heaven
Barnyard in Your Backyard

Five People I am tagging to do this:

kiss my crisis
twisted cindy
refinnej

Why oh why didn't anybody tell me?

As I have said before i have a somewhat morbid curiosity about the whole bikini/Brazilian waxing thing. I have never waxed my girly parts before, but have been dying to try, but always to chicken to follow through.

Anyway, last night while the entire house was sleeping i watched a show (Cathouse - don't judge) that had some detailed and gratuitous examples of some classy ladies and how they shave to achieve all kinds of looks; including, but not limited to the landing pad, totally bald and a personal favourite - the soul patch.

So this morning in the shower i got brave and probably a little carried away and did a little shaving. What i'm upset about is the itch! Oh my fucking god the itch is killing me. How could you not have told me and how the hell do i make it stop. I'm dying here. I walked around the mall with my hands in my pants today before i realized how truly itchy i was and that i was out in public.

I cannot go to school tomorrow with my hands in my pants! How and when will it stop.

Three hours ago Shane went to put Parker to bed and ever since then i have heard very loud snores through the baby monitor. This means he went to sleep at, hmmm, just past 7. Tired is the rule in our house.

Last night Eliza, Toby and Parker were up for hours and hours on end. Eliza had bad dreams about swiper the fox. Ah kids.

I have been sitting enjoying some alone time and reflecting and watching a very scary movie - Open Water. Needless to say; dive trips are not in my future. Heck i've had trouble swimming in swimming pools alone since watching that James Bond movie - was it Jawbreaker? - at 6 or 7 years old.

I think i will join my lovelies in bed now, but no doubt we will be very out of sync tomorrow.

Camp was a great success. There's nothing so corny heartwarming as the campfire, really, come on. We sang "My Name is Joe" and in an ironic twist "When September Ends" by Green Day. The kids loved it and the parents all lit their mock lighter flashlights.

It was great and everybody is capital p pooped.

Have a wonderful weekend and happy fall.

My husband wanted to write in my blog last night. He wanted to write a love letter to television. Here it is:

Dear TV,

I love you. I love the wonderful shows like Lost. I even love Martha Stewart Apprentice. You help to pass the time while my wife plays on the computer and for that i am happy.

Love, Shane

My children are all off to camp this morning. Actually just the big two for a whole school campout and as they are not that big - me and the little two are going too. We'll come home tonight and lucky Shane will get to spend a night without his love and me as he sleeps on the cold, hard floor with Toby and Tristan. Sometimes a cold, hard floor is the best revenge.

A magical thing is happening at my house right now, something so wonderful that only parents with more than one child will understand: the double nap. Tristan and Toby are at school and i don't have to leave to pick them up for one hour. Parker and Eliza are both sleeping. One Hour. Both Sleeping. Heaven. Only once in my life have the forces all come together for the triple nap and that my friends is a story for the books.

But today. One whole hour alone in the house. I should probably nap too; but instead i will drink tea, blog, read and laugh the freaky laugh of a sleep-deprived woman.

So on sunday we went for our hike up the mountain. About ten minutes in we were both red and blotchy and trying to enjoy nature; "look (huff) at (puff) those (huff) beautiful (fuck) trees." A few minutes later we were wondering how much further when an elderly couple jogged past us. Soldier on! Ten more minutes we passed some kids on horses and asked how much further? "About another half an hour." High five we've been walking for half an hour. After about two more minutes our weary out of shape lump sacks of bodies could go no further. We turned around.

Shane: "why do you keep looking behind you?"
me: "i keep expecting to see a cougar charging at us."

We then picked up our paces and started re-calling stories of cougar and bear attacks glancing backwards constantly. Soon enough we were hauling ass back to the car. Time of entry back in car? 22 minutes after departure.

Wimps.

So, i've been thinking a lot lately about feeling sad, overwhelmed, insecure, lonely - you name it. I know so many women who have been feeling really bummed out. Myself included. But, for me, at some point you just have to shake it off. Start to see things a little more clearly. There is a song by some canadian guy who's name escapes me, but he says "every road is a hard road." I believe that.

I am a lucky person.

My family has had it's share of tragedy, trauma, drama. Two years ago when Parker was two weeks old and my sister's baby was six weeks old my mom fell down the stairs while holding the baby. Little Tegan flew out of her arms and landed 10 stairs down on the hardwood floor. For a few agonizing days we thought she was going to die. At first she had many seizures which calmed down and eventually went away. She also seemed to be blind and her eyes constantly rolled sideways. Her left fist stayed clenched for months. Over time, with lots of intervention and work, she grew and thrived. She is pretty much perfect.

My point is that that was a really bad time. I lost my mom and my sister for a year as they just couldn't be around me and my children and especially Parker who was the same age - but fine. We have all had bad times. At some point we heal from them, learn from them and grow from them.

I am ready to do that.

It feels like a list kind of morning.

1. i stay up way too late
2. 2 year olds in camoflauge undies are c-u-t-e.
3. i have fallen in love 5 times - four kids + one husband
4. have you ever seen "Cathouse" - that is porn.
5. porn on tv at 9 at night - for free.
6. how the hell am i going to protect my kids.
7. i know - no tv.
8. it's almost impossible to make good tempura at home.
9. sunomono salad too.
10. yippee - it's sunny today.
11. my mil is coming to visit/babysit.
12. we are going to hike up the mountain.
13. then probably tumble down in exhaustion.
14. i get sadder the later i stay up.
15. yet, i keep staying up.
16. Parker is still sick.
17. our (hot) dr wants to start him and Eliza on a medicine that's not approved for kids.
18. probably will because we live in fear of the bird flu - among many other things.
19. i have all this traffic from north vancouver - home of my family.
20. i know who one is, but the rest freak me out.
21. new carpet is expensive! chopping down trees too.
22. both of those are happening here.
23. i now get 10 eggs a day, give or take. 3 green, 2 brown,4 small, 2 extra small.
24. bye for now.

i have really bad grammar. I apologize for that. I am so passionate when i write i forget all the shit. I'm sorry for the sorry state of my ass - figuratively and literally.

So, today is Parker's 2nd birthday. My gosh i am in love with my little son. Parker is perfect to me, except maybe the fact that he has never slept more than a few hours at a time - in between the booby.

I feel really sad that he is 2 now - because a two year old is really not a baby anymore, and that means i won't have anymore babies. Now, i know i should feel blessed by all i have - and i do. This has nothing to do with my fertility, my huge family: all of those things i truly appreciate.

I just can't get over the fact that i'm not having anymore. Since the moment i felt them digging around in there and heard them snipping at the end of my last cesarean i have been praying that those tubes of mine would magically come back together and i would get pregnant. I even still try to have sex when i know i'm ovulating. Now though, today, i realize that i'm never going to get pregnant again.

Most people think i'm crazy for having four kids or wonder how i do it. I'm telling you though four kids is no different than two - just a little bit more. But that means more of the good stuff too. More love, more laughs, more chaos, more happiness.

Adding another baby just adds more.

Anyway, happy birthday to my gorgeous beautiful little baby.

xxoo

So, i had a pretty good day yesterday. I would like to tell you that it didn't involve a glass of wine at the end of the day - but that would be a big fat lie. I did, however, get my hair cut and my eyebrows and upper lip waxed. I chickened out on the bikini thing plus ran out of time. The upper lip thing was their idea. I didn't realize until then that i had a mustache - who woulda guessed - but as i was on an information seeking mission i went for it. Not too bad, not too bad at all. It actually hurts way less than tweezing and now that i've done my brows three times i'm totally used to it. Plus, apparently i don't look like Geraldo anymore.

The whole day can be seen here.

And Survivor! Yay team, yay Stephanie. I promise to never speak of tv again.

I have pretty much recovered from my agonizingly painful week. Parker and Eliza are on the mend and i've installed electric fencing to keep Parker in, plus one of those collars that give him a little shock when he crosses over the invisible fence. Also, as per my fathers suggestion a micro-chip has been inserted.

Either that or i will never let him out of my sight again. I can share a dorm room with him right?

At some point in time some garden fairies moved into our yard to play with Tristan and Eliza and now, apparently, we have a little troll to keep Toby happy. The kids leave notes and gifts for them and magically the fairies and trolls return the favour.

Sadly though the mother of this house is so damn tired and sleep-deprived that she often forgets that she is the conduit through which this magic happens. I have had many, many disappointed faces in the mornings when the fairies and trolls forget to leave messages.

I'm gonna photo-blog my day today and will include the fairy house.

bye my lovelies.

My conversation this morning with Shane:

Him "How come when i fart it's gross and disgusting, but when you do it's hilarious?!"

Me "Hmmm, i dunno. Because i'm funny?"

Him "Not really."

I am mad busy today so this is a brief note. I have a General Meeting at the school tonight which i have to *gulp* do a speech-type thing at. I am very nervous, damn i wish i had some zanax or something. Also, all those people are crazy for hugging and i hate hugging, unless it involves the fruit of my loins, i really hate the hug. That is also causing me almost as much anxiety - damn hugging. Fuckity fuck.

Also, yesterday Parker wandered away. I was putting laundry away and he just disappeared. I ran frantically screaming down the driveway and found him wandering down the road with a stranger lady and the dogs. Terrifying. He walked a full block down the road - BY HIMSELF! He's not even two!

Fucking dogs thought they were going for a walk and led him along happily. The neighbor lady, i'm sure, thinks i was out drinking gin or something. I can't even tell you the terror i felt. Fuck. It was really bad and scary and terrible and then the "what if's". Yikes.

So, i had some wine last night because i'm such an excellent mother.

Yesterday i got my first cheque for doing editing and writing for that canadian living thing. It felt really good to deposit that money into our account.

Later!

Well, i can tell you one thing. The only good thing about the ped. ward at Victoria General Hospital is our hot, hot pediatrician. He has seen me many, many...,many times at my very worst. After 36, 46, even 48 hours without sleep or a change of clothes and damn if i care because he is a hot, hot hunk. *swoon*

Anyway, i am back at home after a long weekend full of emergency rooms, fucking student dr.s and nurses and their damn questions over and over again, a short (long 24 hour) stay upstairs in ped's and a visit to the mentioned above ped's office in Victoria this morning. Parker is fine as can be expected of an almost two year old pumped full of steroids and ventolin. You really haven't lived until you've seen a toddler very high on repeated doses of ventolin.

I can actually say that i am glad that i am a wimp-ass and have not weaned him yet because the booby is all he's had for a good three days. Also, getting old - i mean real old as in elderly - is pretty scary when you spend hours in emergency and see the varying states of degeneration and neglect in the old and frail.

So, that's that.

Sleep now.

Fucking board meeting tonight.

Eliza has a cold. Parker has a cold. Ever since Eliza was 14 months old whenever she gets a cold she ends up in the hospital for cold-induced asthma. Parker had pneumonia twice last winter from a cold and ended up in the hospital both times.

Today Parker woke up wheezy and after a trip to the clinic we have started him on the nebulizer treatments of steroids. He is sleeping now and sounds terrible. I know i am going to end up at the hospital in the next 24 hours. I am feeling sorry for myself. I want to curl up in bed and stay there. I don't think i can face another fall/winter of this.

Of course i will, but it is so draining. I am feeling a downward spiral and i have to kick myself in the ass, pick myself up by my thong - ha! just kidding, no thongs or the requisite waxing that goes along with it for me. Pick myself up by my Jockey granny undies and perk up for damn sake.

I've been feeling so funky-low lately. Part of it is (obviously) hurricane Katrina and the surreal feeling of having my happy life continue totally uninterrupted amidst all the suffering. I know people are always suffering, but something about it happening in America, it really is scary. Makes me think about our storm last year and how we baled out after only two days without heat, electricity or water and how totally helpless we were even in that circumstance.

The other part is that the funky feeling leaves me totally closed up. I can't answer the phone, talk to other parents at the school, talk with Shane in the evening or even bother to log out of AIM or respond when people ding-dong me. I am completely alienating myself and in very typical fashion (for me) i went out and bought seven new chickens today (including Charlie the 2nd!). When i was young my parents always bought their way out of tough situations. It was easier, i suppose, than actually dealing with problems. I remember when my dog got hit by a car in front of me; instead of comforting me and talking about death my dad came in and said we'd get a new dog the next day. Now that i think about it, i suppose that i am doing the same for my kids by buying a new Charlie the rooster. But, we did have a burial and use the experience to talk about death and we did mourn for a reasonable amount of time (for a chicken).

You see, next weekend Parker will turn two. I have never had a two year old and not another little baby. Crazy as it sounds it's killing me inside. I have agonized over this sadness i have about not having more babies and i just don't know why i feel this way. I am more than busy and fulfilled and in crazy love with my kids and most days i know i would explode if i added another child to this plate. But, but... the babies. I love the babies. I love being pregnant. I love the baby moon. I just want to do it over and over again. Blah.

Soon i will be over run with chickens and puppies and god knows what else trying to fill that empty baby spot.

The other part of the problem is that my brother is an alcoholic. An alcoholic in the worst sense. He's been sober one year on October 1st. But before he became sober he came as close to killing himself as one person can and it was hard.

So, Shane and i have been known to enjoy some wine - on occasion. Over the summer the occasions became more and more regular. Around the end of the summer we realized there was a problem - perhaps. Or maybe just the beginnings of one. Either way, that is not who we are. We are parents and parents don't do that and stay good parents.

So, now we are not drinking. But, i'm bored and i miss our nights on the balcony talking for hours on end. An alcoholic summer is fun. And i am conflicted about that.

Then again, maybe it's the change of season and the kids going back to school and being the fucking president. Now THAT is killing me.

Remember this?

"purple punch buggy! No punch backs!"

Well, being the brilliant parent that i am i introduced that game to my children that NEVER STOP FIGHTING! You can imagine me driving down the highway (i do that A LOT living rurally) with my kids all punching each other, screaming, crying AND arguing over who saw the punch buggy first.

To add insult to injury i, brilliant again, decided that there really weren't that many punch buggies around so we added in:

"smart car - no smack backs!"

Parker loves that one and yells it constantly from the moment we get in the car instigating the screaming and yelling "Parker! There's no smart cars...aaaaaahhhh.......(smack)"
"smart car - no smack backs"
"Parker!!!"

Infinity.

Today Parker added his new refrain "smells like (sniff, sniff, sniff) smart car"
"smart car - no smack back!!"

Well, it happened. The first day, and the second actually, have come and gone. It's nice to be back at school seeing all the kids friends.

I feel this sense of 'what now' disappointment. It's hard to have two still at home because, well, it's two still at home.

My strike ended at a draw. I decided it's time for some healthy food and an all new "one for all and all for one" attitude at the dinner table. Meaning, i am making one meal and if they don't like it - tough titties. Jamie Oliver's "School Dinners" show really inspired me and caused me to take a step back and realize i'm within a nose hair of twinkies and cheetos in the lunch box. Literally. Junk/convenience food is a slippery slope and I am climbing back up that trans-fat mountain. No re-claimed meat in my house!

In lieu of an actual post or anything interesting to say, let me say that school starts in the morning and we are all a-quiver with excitement. We have spent many days and many dollars doing the necessary preparations.

Toby and Tristan will be entering grade 1 and grade 3 or, as we say in the country - pine room and cedar room. We spent a good part of the weekend finishing up the painting of the school.

Photos from Shane's birthday can be seen on flickr.

I know i have spoken of it many times. Many, many, many times. But, I am so freakin tired. I'll be standing out on the balcony, notice that the basil needs water, go to fill up water, and while standing at the sink filling the water, notice that the dishwasher needs unloading. Then totally forget about doing both.

Tonight i went on strike. I mentioned to Shane i was making quiche for dinner and he rolled his eyes.
"what?"
"What, what! I don't have to like everything you make!"
So, i went and told the kids what was for dinner which was met with a chorus of "NO! WE HATE QUICHE. WE HATE EVERYTHING!"

To which i declared a strike.

"I don't care what you eat for dinner, but, no sugar! I'm not cooking until tuesday."

Then i went and had a nice little huff on the hammock. The hammock which was a birthday gift for Shane from his brother and I which was met with more grumpiness and i detected a hint of eye-rolling. But i tell you. I spent a good part of the day on that hammock and it is like heaven.

Parker and i spent the morning on it watching the kids play and singing row, row, row your boat and looking at treetops, birds and clouds. It was one of those perfect moments. I wished that someone would come and take a candid photo with me looking beautiful and blissful beside my beautiful and blissful baby on the brink of his second birthday.

My mind has been missing for a long time. I have spent many similar moments begging my mind to accept that moment into it's memory. But, i tell you, there is nothing there. I have no memory of the last 8 years. It is all a blur. Last i looked i was 26 and pregnant. Now i have the mushy gooshy belly that my children love to poke there little chubby fingers aa-aa-a-lllllll the way in to.

See, i forget what the hell i was going to say.

Yesterday was Shane's 34th birthday. We had a nice evening, although he's presently a little grumpy as he's quitting smoking. He quit 4 years ago, but recently started up again. He's been doing a hynosis tape he downloaded off the internet. Coincidentally his mother is off on a one week meditation. Yes. A whole week. without talking. I fear the worst for my future.

I have been purposely not watching the news as it is all too much for my soul to take. I'm not a soldier...

it feels good

xx
jess