Despite the fun and the humour i see around me, some days are just hard. Hard in a way that shakes you. Makes you want to sleep all day and spend the night hiding in front of the computer with some wine. Ignoring all the possible outcomes of this crazy life.
I've been struggling with my feelings about having a child with disabilities. Toby is this wonderful, dynamic, loving little boy. He fills me with so much tender love and giant sadness. I know that he is fine. I also know that everybody always notices my other kids - she's so cute, so smart, so perfect, parker speaks so well, etc. - nobody says anything about toby. It's hard. It's hard for people when they can't understand a word he says and he's so darn active and LOUD. People just don't want to make the uncomfortable effort to know him. I understand, a little.
We actively searched out the school our kids go to. We make huge financial sacrifices to send them there. We send them there for toby. I was so fearful of other children teasing him because that's what kids do. I knew that at this little school i would have more control. I do. He still gets teased.
He's in grade 1 now and the focus of first grade is learning to read. His Apraxia is evolving and making it very difficult for him to learn the simple things like letters, sounds - phonological awareness. It just isn't happening. And he's humiliated. His teacher tells me every day of the tears and frustration. She's amazing and understanding. I just feel my heart swelling. A problem that i can't fix.
This is the hardest thing i've learned as a mom. I can't make everything okay. I can't protect them from all the frustration, anxiety and sadness.
It sucks.
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I'm sorry. It shouldn't be that way. We should be able to fix everything, I know. But we can't. :-(
Posted by Denise | January 17, 2006 4:58 PM