Stolen from Red Stapler.

1. What did you do in 2006 that you’d never done before? Travelled without my kids, twice. (Miami and BlogHer)
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Don't do that.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? My sister-in-law.
4. Did anyone close to you die? Stanley the rooster.
5. What countries did you visit? United States.
6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006? Happiness.
7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? July through December - battling depression and Effexor.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Surviving.
9. What was your biggest failure? Not finishing my novel.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Concussion in softball and a broken heart.
11. What was the best thing you bought? My seatbelt messenger.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My kids.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? George Bush.
14. Where did most of your money go? Mortgage, tuition, presriptions and speech ttherapy
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? BlogHer.
16. What song will always remind you of 2006? So many, but, if i had to say one it would be "I'll Believe in Anything" by Wolf Parade.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? 
b) thinner or fatter? 
c) richer or poorer? Sadder, thinner, richer.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Bike riding.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Drinking.
20. How will you be spending Christmas? Travelling.
21. Did you fall in love in 2006? Yes.
22. How many one-night stands? Huh?
23. What was your favorite TV program? Big Love.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? I don't believe in hate, except frozen peas.
25. What was the best book you read? Three Day Road and Emma (for the umpteenth time.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery? The Diggs.
27. What did you want and get? Love.
28. What did you want and not get? Stability.
29. What was your favorite film of this year? The Constant Gardener.
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I was in Miami, eating out in SouthBeach.
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Recycling at BlogHer, less rain, world peace.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006? Black.
33. What kept you sane? This.
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Rick Mercer.
35. What political issue stirred you the most? Everything GWB did.
36. Who did you miss? My mom and dad.
37. Who was the best new person you met? Hmmmm. In person? JenB. and AmandaMandajuice.
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006. Life goes by so fast. Learn to be tough on parker, sometimes.
39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. If you walk away, i'll walk away.

Thank-you and goodbye 2006 - you bastard.

I always feel a little sad when christmas is over. It comes in such a whirlwind. A flurry of activities and preparation. It's hard to be in the moment, to really enjoy the days leading up.

And then it is over. The christmas tree sits empty, dropping it's needles, hiding in the folds of the carpet to be found and vacuumed up for months.

But then there is the calm that comes over the house. The kids sedated and happy to play in their rooms, pouring over all the new treasures. Discovering that one last chocolate in the bottom of their stockings.

I have a pile of books to read. I am enjoying lazy afternoons by the ragtag tree, sipping tea, reading books and playing new board games with the kids.

I am attempting to give myself some good habits, say goodbye to the bad habits that have been my burden this year. Less wine. Less lonely nights by the computer. Long walks in the crisp winter afternoons. Alone. Listening to my thoughts while the day is still bright and the sadness that rages through my body in the evening hasn't taken hold. Earlier to bed. Even if sleep doesn't come.

I hesitate to say that these are resolutions. They're not.

They are like my new necklace. Something to remind me that i am loved, i love and i want to be loved.

And so another holiday is over, another year is almost over.

We have been in a whirlwind of travel and family. On the road since the 22nd with a brief fourteen hour stop at home for christmas morning.

Many houses, many family get-togethers, lovely food, beautiful babies, tired kids, travelling kittens and one too many glasses of mulled wine.

I'm not sure how it all came together, but it did. It has become the best christmas, i think, since i had children. They are a little bit older, a little bit easier to keep entertained and a lot more appreciative of family.

I am sitting looking out at a beautiful harbour surrounded by snowcapped mountains on saltspring island.

Wearing a beautiful necklace that shane gave me, watching my kids play chess and cars. Surrounded by my husbands family who are the friendliest, most beautiful people in my world.

It is nice to just sit. Have the kids run around happy without worrying about dishes and laundry and cooking. We are headed home tomorrow to finish out the holiday week with some organizing and cleaning and relaxing on the couch.

On my way home from vancouver. Happy holidays to all of you.

xxoo
jess

I am busy fighting the flu bug. But thought of a story.

A couple of weeks ago i held a family meeting. I decided it was time to be honest with the kids.

I told them that the medicine i had been taking was to help to make me feel better. That i had been feeling a little overwhelmed and unhappy. That i needed all of their help. That they needed to pull up their socks. Put laundry in the hampers, get in the car on time in the morning, clear their dishes at dinner, feed the dogs.

Nothing too major, just a few small things that can make a huge difference to the overall turmoil in this small house filled with six humans and four animals.

Tristan took it to heart and has blown me away by her kind spirit in the past couple of weeks. She jumps out of bed in the morning, organizes cereal for all the kids, gets parker dressed and then runs down the street to feed the cats she's babysitting. All without me ever saying a word. Every single day.

I can't tell you how proud i am of her. How she took to heart my asking for help and how she, truly, is trying to help.

She is the best christmas present ever.

I have just deleted 6107 emails from my inbox. All messages, or comments that were important to me. Things i wanted to respond to. One of them was probably from you.

I am not saying that i am going to get better at responding to people. Or commenting. Or communicating. Communication is key and the very hardest thing for me.

I just needed to get rid of that guilt.

I'm sure there was an offer to give me thousands of dollars in there that had nothing to do with anybody living in a foreign country and needing to deposit money into my bank account.

I am attempting to tip the scales in my favour by relieving stress.

No christmas baking? Pshaw. It's just bad for you, beside i have a stockpile of Vermont Nut Free chocolates for the kids.

Way less presents? Makes everybody appreciate what they have more.

Shoddy wrapping jobs? Phplth. You're just going to rip the paper off anyway.

Too many christmas specials on TV while mom naps? Priceless.

All of this also means while i had every good intention of sending out christmas cards to every single one of you who sent me one, i just can't do it. I love every card. The kids and i marvel at them. Lot's of "gee mom, you're popular!"

and "Can i have my own website?"

We are still battling the flu and colds and hoping not to subject my beautiful new nephew to our plague over the weekend. I am snotty and barky, but interestingly, full of life.

Shedding the burden of responsibility this holiday season. Enjoying my family. Enjoying you.

Thank-you for everything.

A friend reminded me tonight of the Christmas Oratorio by Bach. You should listen. It will bring you back down to earth.

To a peaceful place where simple things make you happy.

Where gifts become more about showing and giving love rather than the physical, plastic things that cost more money than they are worth.

Where a little cat becomes such a lifeforce in your home in a few short days you wonder what life was like before they were there. Before they sat on the "l" key. Screwing up your typing over and over.

And i'm sorry. I love dogs. I love animals. But, cats are much, much smarter than dogs.

But, they have smelly bums. Which they like to point out at every opportunity. Like right now. In the middle of the Oratorio, walking across my chest. Tail up.

I am in the middle of making a christmas video. I have been viewing tape of the christmas party. I have mucho footage of me drunk dirty dancing in sexy dress and bare feet. Plus sexy husband singing "I'll melt with you" and "Hungry Like the Wolf."

We are so eighties.

I am doing well. I am learning to live in this life. That life, well, maybe it's just hard. That everybody has a tough road to walk on. That maybe the choices i make are not always the right ones. That i need to accept and love what i have. That i need to let go of the past that haunts me so. That maybe, just maybe, life isn't this hard for everybody else. That, indeed, i need help.

But then? This is who i am. I see the beauty in so many small things because i can't feel beauty and happiness in the bigger picture.

This is why i was so scared of taking drugs. Why i have fought them every step of the way.

I am who i am. I have always been sad. I remember being sad when i was three. But i also remember the smell of the soil when i was three.

I remember wanting to die when i was five. But i also remember the beauty of a single tree. The moss that grew up it's side. the way the branches dipped with age. The way in fall it was barren, but in spring it would be reborn again.

I can see all these things. My children being born from beauty and sadness. How much i love them. Fill every inch of my being with them. How despite every single thing i do, they are their own person. Tristan is musical, toby is creative, eliza is strong willed and parker is too young to be anything but beautiful.

I feel so inspired. I am going to finish my novel. I know it now. I will listen to this music every night.

Can you be an artist and never paint or draw a thing?

Are words art?

This one is for chair who lost her cat, Job, last week.

We, being not overwhelmed enough, have added a new family member. He is a christmas present for the kids, who have been relentless for the past month.

His name is Marmalade. He is lucy's new best friend. The girls are both allergic, but we are hoping it will pass.

The weather here has been unbelievable. We have had more hours without power than with in the last three weeks. We are bracing for a major storm tonight with winds expected up to 100km an hour. When the storm starts we are planning on evacuating from our house because of all the huge trees surrounding us that have been loudly cracking and dropping huge branches over the past few days. Our road is littered with branches and debris, so much so that it is difficult to drive on.

Yesterday i read "Life Interrupted" by Spalding Gray. I loved Spalding Gray. His humour, his sadness, his anxiety, his love of children and gentle nature. The book, although very sad, was inspiring. How he is remembered so fondly. The deep impact he had on people and their lives.

It has left me melancholy, but ready to work on my novel again. To reach out and grasp at the small, beautiful things in life.

I went out for beer with a very old friend last night. We talked, mostly, about me. My hesitation about therapy. My distrust of the whole field of psychiatry and psychology. Bad experiences i have had. He convinced me to give it a try.

I owe it to myself, my family, my friends to do everything i can to be well. To live this life in the best way i can. To walk quietly and gently instead of sadly.

The stomach flu is taking down my children like dominoes. Each falling about twelve hours apart.

I don't really mind. Other than the mountains of laundry and their sad little faces, it's nice to take a step back from the hustle and bustle of our lives.

I did, however, learn that there are some foods you should definitely not feed your children when barfiness is on the horizon, they are in no particular order:

• chili
• chocolate
• ceasar salad
• blue jello
• chocolate pudding
• any combination of, or at all costs, all of these at the same time.

My power has just come on after a 10 hour outage. A giant windstorm swept through my little village. Trees fell everywhere, including in my yard.

We came home for a few moments, then evacuated in fear of giant fir trees falling on the house.

I have so many christmas cards i am planning on rolling naked in them.

I am okay. I called the doctor. Shane made an intervention. I am seeking therapy.

I am scared. To come out from behind this curtain. I am weak.

I am doing this for him. For you.

I am going to be better.

I am ready, so ready, to be happy.

Thank you everybody.

You know that cliche of the person who gets drunk at the office party and ends up dancing on the table?

That's me!

Two years in a row i have been the drunkest person, by far, at our school parent and staff christmas party.

I managed to hold out until after i made a speech and handed out gifts and christmas bonuses, but then! It was drunk jess. All drunk, all the time.

I wore my extra high heels again and a beautiful dress. I danced, i had fun. I made out with another mom as my special talent so that i could steal her gift. All kinds of laughter and jokes ensued. At the end of the night i leaned against other board members to hold me up. They passed me around like a paper doll.

Then shane carried me home.

Shane's band played. See.

That's him thinking "who the hell is she dancing with now?"

I am preparing myself for merciless teasing in the morning. But, it was fun.

And we have a christmas tree.

Here's me, hungover, in my extra special custom t-shirt from debbie. I love debbie.

I have recieved many cards.

I am very thankful.

Love is what i have been waiting for.

I just want someone to hug me. To wrap their arms around me and make everything okay.

I have been thinking a lot the past couple days about how much i share here. The parts of the picture that are missing. The things i don't talk about. The things i talk a lot, too much, about. I'm not sure where the balance is. How i can give a more complete picture of my life.

As i sat in the kitchen preparing dinner this evening and the kids bustled in and out on a continual basis i had to take a step back for a moment. Sit in the middle of the floor, clutching my heart, over-flowing with this immense love. The details of my life that i can't possibly put into words.

How tristan hangs around me like a little shadow, aching to always be close, learn every little thing she can. How toby will often get stuck in the middle of a thought, repeat a word over and over holding his place in the conversation until he gathers his thoughts. Sometimes when he can't get his thoughts together he'll just stop and say "so mom, how was your day?" How eliza asks me the same question every single day, "is my water from lunch old?" How whenever parker and i are alone and i lift him into his carseat he'll lean in close and plant the most perfect kiss on my lips.

I have had a very difficult day. Immensely sad about so many things. My book. Mostly my book. All the words i lost and how hard it is to start again. I sit and look at the screen and nothing comes out. I woke up this morning with swollen eyelids and a heavy heart.

But, at the end of the day, those little moments in my life. Getting to watch these four fabulous creatures grow and learn and love. That's what really matters. That's what keeps me walking a straight line.

Continue reading "take these gifts" »

I am trying. I am really trying.

I want everything to be okay. Just okay. Is that so much to ask for?

I have been "medicated" for three months. Or even more. I can't even recall.

Shitty things. Shitty days.

Things i can't talk about. Things i can't talk about because they are too painful.

I spent the morning getting an initial assesment for toby. A developmental assesment. It went well. Except that he was there. It was hard, so hard, to talk about his shortcomings. Flaws. Delays. Problems. With him sitting there. He became more fidgety every second. Climbing on chairs. Covering my mouth with his hands.

Asking, begging, me to go back to school.

And we did. The pediatrician has asked for a psycho-educational assesment. The only problem? The $2000 that stands between us and that assesment. I grabbed my heart, literally, when she told me.

Might as well cancel christmas. And food.

I am at a crossroads. Do i do what i think is right, causing significant stress to my spouse and family, or do i let my son slip through the cracks.

Easy right? Try living with that. With that husband.

I have begun thinking about christmas.

Lights have been hung outside the house. Many dollars were spent at Costco. The first few presents have been bought.

I will make this a good christmas.

I will ignore my husband when he is grumpy and christmas day.

I will not spend too much money.

I will teach my children that this holiday is about more than stuff. It is about love and family and special moments. Shiny lights. And, perhaps, snow that lasts till christmas.