back to black

There is a quote from one of my favourite authors in one of my favourite books,

"I have a strong will to love you until eternity."

It's Mulan Kundera - "Immortality".

I had thought about getting that placed somewhere permanent - headstone, park bench, tattoo and then one day I happened upon it in flickr - a tattoo. I wasn't surprised to see someone else moved by the quote. I think it's a lesson many of us learn as we age with another person. "I have a strong will to love you until eternity" meaning, I will love you from the first day until the last and all the days in between - when I do not want to love you and even when I find it too hard to even look at you. I will have a strong will to get through these times and love you - until eternity.

That is what is called commitment. It means so much to Dickson and I. We talked about it the other night, in fact. We aren't sentimental people but every once and awhile we look at each other and the love comes easily. It makes it worth it.

And yet, that is the beauty of it all - the journey.

K wakes every day shocked to see that his wife doesn't look like Nicole Kidman. The original version of Nicole Kidman.

Meant to comment with anniversary congrats. We're coming up on 12 years too, together for 14. There are days when I miss the man I married, and wonder where he went. Then I usually realize the 21 year old versions of ourselves could never handle the life we have now, and would have run screaming from the responsibilities and mortgages and community groups...

I read a few posts and have this aching suspicion you have been and/or are depressed.

I have had bouts of depression for many years back to my childhood It seems cyclical, as does my intake of alcohol. (and pot if I could find some since becoming middle aged) I tried therapy briefly, but it only made it worse because then I had dragged another person into my drama. (btw, that's the only person that's ever glad to see someone depressed.)

I looked for natural or alternative stuff and have been VERY happy with the naturapath/chiro doctor I found. I take amino acids and some food based B-vitamins which seem to have dragged me back out to reality. I feel present in my life again and I am able to enjoy other people. My mind is sharp again and I have clarity as I participate in life.

Also, back to this particular post, I wake up next to my wife and wonder what happened to the sex driven adventurous kitten I met. She has transformed into an over-protective mother of three that instantly verbalizes the worst case scenario for every situation encountered. It's depressing. I long for the days of freedom and lust we shared. Now I practically beg for sex and do what I can to control my temper with her and the noise making toddlers, which brings me full circle to my cyclical intake of alcohol...