The long weekend is almost over. Thanksgiving continues it's two day celebration. I have done two services of turkey at two different restaurants. Today i will do one more.
Smiling, chatting. Families celebrating and giving thanks. Eating massive plates of turkey and gravy and stuffing. Feeling generous.
I always tell my customers about my children. Chat about school and activities. Plying them with wine and cider.
I was invited out twice this weekend. I couldn't go. Partly because of this rotten cold i've been hanging on to. But mostly because my social anxiety is strangling me a little.
I'm used to having someone by my side. A child. A husband. Someone to take the spotlight off of me. I am not ready to be the only. To be pitied. To take sympathy. To talk about myself.
Instead i have been retreating to my condo. Sleeping. Thinking. Reflecting.
I'm not sure how i am going to be able to make friends. Be a friend. In this new way. It will come.
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I totally remember how it felt to be without the support of a husband or child. Make a list of what you are most afraid of in relation to being "out there" and fielding the pity and sympathy and isolation and embarrassment. Then with each item, ask yourself, "what's the worst that could happen?" Usually, when I investigate my fears in this way I realize I can handle them.
Reality is usually friendlier than the scary movies we run in our minds.
Posted by marian | October 8, 2007 1:23 PM