So, this is the end of what, without any hesitation, was the very worst year of my life.

I could recap. I think i will for my own posterity because it's been a really crappy year.

January 2007 - hospitalized on the psychiatric ward for five days.

July 2007 - suicide attempt

September 2007 - end of a sixteen year relationship

December 2007 - hardest holiday season ever

There. It's done. It can only get better from here because i can't handle anything worse. The hell i saw in 2007. May 2008 bring peace and joy for my family.

And yours.

xx
jess

Just in time for the final race to christmas morning my daughter grew cat legs.

Oh well.

Things are great. The kids are eagerly finishing their final day of school. We are off on monday morning to have a lovely christmas with my family. Gifts are bought. Kids are happy. I am happy.

Have a lovely weekend.

Here i am dancing in my kitchen before i headed out to a staff party where according to the principals of social anxiety i drank too much and was home in bed at 10. Party girl i am.

People of the world...

No that's not it.

People of my world. I have returned. Somehow in these dark days of winter. Somehow instead of being bogged down by depression, i have emerged.

I saw myself tonight. For the first time in a long time. I have that fight back.

I will not take the hatred, the fear. I will not take it anymore. I am who i am. I know i frighten you. A real person full of flaws. Full of love. Full of dedication.

In front of my children. Tonight. I took a stand. You cannot continue to try and villainize me. Humiliate me.

I have made mistakes. But i have also done many wonderful things. I have volunteered hundreds of my hours to my community. I have made a better place for my children and yours.

Whether you are with me or against me. It doesn't matter anymore because i know, deep in my heart, that i am a good person.

xx
jess

It is so hard to continue writing here. The whole story. I wish i could talk about it, iron out the wrinkles, pick off all the little bits of lint that persist on my black work clothes no matter how many times i roll the lint roller over my body. A little bit of touch that feels so magical in a time when i am lacking human contact.

I have hit the wall. In terms of working. I've had enough. I am so tired. So bone weary tired. The running start on my separation having slowed to a sprint. Running the race for who can get through all of this the least hurt. The least betrayed.

I drop the kids off with their dad on friday morning then i run until monday at 8am when i pick them up. Usually working six shifts in the interim. Counting out the tips, squirreling away the larger bills. Preparing for the slow months. The months after the bounty has fallen off the tree and there is nothing left to harvest.

And then i pick up the kids. And i love them so. Stealing kisses from parker. Little hugs and thank-you's. And then i am so tired. I fall asleep for three hours after dinner. Waking to them playing in their room. Laughing. Feeling comfortable in their new home. Feeling better every week with two homes.

I wrote this one year ago:

The idea of being able to say goodbye to an emotion, a longing, a feeling that is tearing you up inside.

And yet, you are still here.

The very best thing about this detailing of my life, this writing from the heart, is that i can look back when i am full of doubt. Or lonely. I can look back and remember where i have been. I can see a future that is different.

I can wade through this time of turmoil and change. I can be comforted that i did try and make a change.

I have learned something. I have learned what friendship is. What it means to stand by the side of a person you love. Friendship is love. The toughest kind of love.

A friend is someone that you love without judgement. Someone who you trust to keep the darkest secrets and silliest moments.

A person you have never met in person, yet happily share a hotel room with, walking around in towels and underwear like you've known each other forever.

A person you can drink a bottle of wine with in the middle of the day and laugh with when they fall asleep head down in the sand or trip over a log. A friend is someone who brings you a cup of tea at the perfect moment. A friend is someone who you can talk about money with. A friend is someone who understands when you don't want to talk. Who will just sit beside you. Prop you up when you are falling. Who hugs you just when you need it most and they will know that without you saying a word.

I have not always been a good friend. I have touble opening up. Letting people in. Scared of judgement. I haven't let anyone in for so long. I have missed out on so many years of friendship. That has been a mistake. I can see that now.

I miss my chickens. Somehow i am focusing on them. The simplicity and beauty of raising farm animals, or poultry. Feeding, cleaning, dealing with the nasty gross stuff. Having something in common to talk with the farmers about. Being a part of the rural farming community. It was the height of domestic bliss for me. Children, chickens, the christmas turkey. A sense of pride in learning how to raise chickens.

Life has been up and down over the past few weeks. Storms have been making their yearly appearance. My old house, shane's house, had a tree fall on the power lines. It left him without power last week and he spent three days camped out on my couch. It was nice. It was hard. Falling into old routines so easily.

It was confusing for the kids. They liked having us all together again. We all liked it. The nights were not so easy. I had many tears. Shane and i were confused and uncomfortable with the new arrangements. It felt odd, going to bed, him sleeping on the sofa. Waking up with him gone.

On friday i had a chance meeting with an old friend. She had so many words of wisdom for me, having been through all this herself. She told me that no matter why this happened, it happened for a reason. All the guilt in the world will not help me.

I realized, finally, that i was dying in my old life. Literally. Something had to change. I made that change happen. I will always regret the way it all came about. But. But, the change, has been incredible. The pride i feel when i walk into my own house. When at the end of every week i know i have provided, all on my own, for my family. When i fall into bed, exhausted, after 14 hour workdays. After all of it. I smile at myself in the mirror. I have been brave. I have never been brave before.

The thing i am realizing about men. The men in my life. Is that they all want to leave their mark. Their little bit of ownership.

They want to control you in small, subtle ways. Little things that you hardly notice until you are buried under someone else's blanket, diggin your way out for a little bit of fresh air.

They may leave a beer in your fridge, or a scratch on your back. They may read your writing for a little hint of them.

Even my boys do it. Maybe it's parker peeing on the floor, like a male dog marking his territory. Or toby taking little things of mine and carrying them around in his pocket.

My little parker has been charming the pants off me.

Despite a very nasty eczema flare up with icky crusty scabby bits he has been happy and, mostly, without temper tantrums. My boy is very passionate. He feels everything to the extreme. Anger, frustration, love, joy.

He takes me through my paces on a daily basis. Making me breathe deeply when he throws things in frustration or hits me because he can't have his way. My goal has always been to help him learn how to express himself without having to resort to aggressive outbursts.

It has been a tough road. He is not there yet. But slowly, he is learning.

The bonus of these extreme feelings is his snuggly lovingness. If i toss and turn in the middle of the night he will sit up and give me a kiss and rub my back. If he sees that i am sad he will reach up and grab my hand. He, absolutely, cannot start the day without several minutes of giggles, tickles, and kisses.

When he is sick he asks me to go to bed with him saying "it makes me feel better."

He loves his family. Every morning when the kids get ready for school he gets sad and asks me if they can stay home. We spend our days together doing errands, cleaning and hanging out at the school. All of it is just biding time for him till he can see his siblings again.

He is such a lovely little boy. I feel so happy to have him in my life.

My little town was buried under a huge snowfall this weekend. I enjoyed a couple of snow days. Trapped in the house. Walking up and down the lakeside road to work. The soft muffle of snow all around me.

Peaceful.

No loud voices interrupting the screaming in my brain. The swirling. The swirling. It doesn't stop.

Emotions overflowing.

I am coming to terms with, accepting, my new status in the community. I will rebuild these walls. The walls around my heart. Fence myself in.