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December 17, 2007

greet the brand new day

It is so hard to continue writing here. The whole story. I wish i could talk about it, iron out the wrinkles, pick off all the little bits of lint that persist on my black work clothes no matter how many times i roll the lint roller over my body. A little bit of touch that feels so magical in a time when i am lacking human contact.

I have hit the wall. In terms of working. I've had enough. I am so tired. So bone weary tired. The running start on my separation having slowed to a sprint. Running the race for who can get through all of this the least hurt. The least betrayed.

I drop the kids off with their dad on friday morning then i run until monday at 8am when i pick them up. Usually working six shifts in the interim. Counting out the tips, squirreling away the larger bills. Preparing for the slow months. The months after the bounty has fallen off the tree and there is nothing left to harvest.

And then i pick up the kids. And i love them so. Stealing kisses from parker. Little hugs and thank-you's. And then i am so tired. I fall asleep for three hours after dinner. Waking to them playing in their room. Laughing. Feeling comfortable in their new home. Feeling better every week with two homes.


Posted by drowninginkids at 9:58 PM Permalink

Comments (5)

marian

Jess, You're in one of those "if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger" periods of life. It's a marathon. Things will change and shift and you'll manage one way or another. It's so great that the kids have each other. You can do this.

Posted by marian | December 18, 2007 5:52 AM

Victoria

So I don't really watch Dr. Phil, but I like to quote one thing I heard him say back when he was still credible, you know, the Oprah years....
He said that nothing ever stays the same. That's not the profound bit. He said that one year from now all situations will either be better or worse, but they will absolutely never be the same. So when you think about it, this spot you're in at this moment is passing by. A year from now you'll either be enjoying an improved life or loathing a worsened one. The choice is yours. You can choose to work toward a better future or let it worsen by sitting on the sidelines. I think you've made that decision already, but remember that it's a constant choice you must make.
Keep in mind that this too shall pass, so savor the good bits and sift out the bad after you take away any life lessons that come along with the yuck.
Okay, Dr. Phil only said the bit about situations either being better or worse in a year's time. The rest was the coffee talking.

Posted by Victoria | December 18, 2007 7:55 AM

denise

Jess do you work during the week? Who watches Parker?

Posted by denise | December 18, 2007 8:22 AM

Deanna

So why can't you talk about it?

Posted by Deanna | December 18, 2007 9:14 AM

jessica

Hugs Jess,

I understand, the bit about the writing. I do wish you would continue with it....and remember that it is your story, and in that you tell as little or as much as you like.

The work thing, it was bound to happen sometime. Actually I'm proud of you for not hitting burnout earlier.

Those magnificent kids of yours are doing just fine. Take a bit of that constant worry you hold in regards to them and put it at ease. And do please take extra special care of you.

Posted by jessica | December 18, 2007 12:34 PM

Best Buys!