The weather has been really, really beautiful here on the westcoast. Warm, sunny days enhanced by the vibrant colours of leaves changing and the rich smells of bonfires and wet grass. I love it, just sitting and enjoying the wonder of this world.
I have been closing in on myself, a bad habit of mine. This turning inward often happens this time of year. I think it's the knowledge that the long, dark days of winter will soon be setting in. It's almost a defense mechanism, wrapping myself in a blanket, in an effort to keep my heart warm through the winter.
This is not healthy. A distance is created between me and those close to me.
Marian wrote this to me in a comment earlier this month:
Your unhappiness always surfaces shortly after you get something you want (I've been reading you for a long time!) because you realize that although you believed the change would make you happy, you discover that it hasn't.
I've been rolling this around in my brain for the past few weeks. It struck me like a wrecking ball. A simple yet profound observation about me. It really knocked my socks off.
What do i want?
I've been trying to answer that question. Answer it in an honest way, no matter how terrifying. What do i want. I want to not be unhappy. I want feel satisfied with my life. I want moments of bliss. I want to laugh really hard sometimes, i want to smile or giggle when i'm alone thinking about something.
How to make those things happen is the question. The real question.
The real question is how to get through life when you are NOT experiencing these happy moments. Life is not about happiness always. It is about happiness in the moments when you can have it. Some people are happy in the times in between, and some are less so. The real question is how to survive the seas of regular life amid the islands of bliss. I struggle with the same thing. Love your blog. Very insightful.
Posted by DQ | September 28, 2008 3:54 PM