i've taken all i have to take

I was thinking this morning about love and marriage/relationships. When i was young i was sure i would never find love. I didn't have an understanding of what love could be. I hadn't had any experience with unconditional love. My first real boyfriend i had for three years, then i met shane.

Life with shane has been anything, but easy. When we were first together our love was so intense that it was physically painful for me. When he was away from me i felt like half a person. Ours was an intense courtship.

Intense love wasn't easy. I was young and emotionally a baby. I had struggled with anxiety and depression for years already. Our early years were filled with doubt for me. I couldn't believe that he loved me just for me. I felt like i had to be better. A better lover, a better girlfriend, prettier, smarter, funnier.

As time went on we eased into a calmer, easy love. After university we both had good jobs. We had a great apartment. We had a good life. I was still unsure. I couldn't enjoy the moments as they came. I worried about our future. How i could keep him. I knew he was special.

Then the years flew by in a whirlwind of babies. Suddenly, i was lost in a life that i didn't really want. We were fiercely competitive with each other. Co-dependent. Unhealthy. Instead of working on the problem. Working on the love. I was terrified by it. Terrified of a future full of love that had gone bad. I created an escape plan that was cruel. I betrayed the man who had stood by me through everything. I don't know why i did the things i did. I was reeling in a fog of depression, suicidal thoughts, alcohol, insomnia and denial. I thought the better solution was to run away from everything. I tried to do that by killing myself. When that didn't work i lied that everything was okay and continued on a horrible and destructive path till i found myself out of the marriage.

And i spent a year thinking i could turn my back on that love. I could push it out of my heart. I couldn't.

People keep congratulating us like we are newlyweds. It's not like that. It is hard. We are working on healing. Finding new ways to be together and communicate that are healthy. Expressing our needs. Being independent. Being together. We are defying the odds. Backing out of the statistics.

Love is never black and white. It is a million shades of grey.