I know i frustrate you with my ups and my downs. My circles. Always coming back around.

For me, i see it more as a spiral. Each rotation is a little off the epicentre. The bottom. The bottom was the deepest darkest days. Back before my marriage exploded. Back when waking up was a near impossible exercise. When i retreated to my bed at every opportunity. Some days i barely made it out. Some days i barely got through, i would say i didn't get through them. I was a shell of a person. Ghostly and pale. Completely lost to the present.

I am not that anymore. The most important thing to me is to do everything in my power to never be in that horrible place again. I will always do these laps. This happy/sad dance. It is in me. It is at the root of me. It does not define me. But it, sometimes, blinds me.

When i write about these emotional waves it helps me, you help me, to pull myself back to centre. Back to middle. Middle isn't the best place in the world, but it is living. It is able to see the good and the bad. To feel, and accept, the high and the low and know that these are all normal feelings. That i can live with this.

Don't be alarmed by my meanderings. I am going through a very difficult stage in my life. I am focused on a positive outcome, no matter what it may be. I want this to be a learning and growing experience. I am on a mission to know myself, to let my self be known to me. To have faith that self is important.

I'm having a difficult time seeing the forest for the trees.

The unsettled feeling in the air. The economy, our elections, your elections, famine, disaster, random acts of violence, poverty. It seems so simple, how to fix things. But sometimes the fixing is so much harder than the living with.

I am sorry. So sorry that a thing that was once pure and magical was destroyed by me. I am sorry that the world is being destroyed as well. I am sorry that the future my children could have had is gone now. I am sorry that we all lost our innocence, our childish thinking that everything would work out fine.

I am touched by the beauty around me. It has been the most beautiful autumn i can recall. The colours are vivid, popping to the point of surreal perfection. The glow of dusk leaving me dizzy. It has been cold and sunny - my very favourite weather combination. Scarves and cardigans, thick socks and knee high boots.

I am touched and moved to tears by everyday moments. The kids skipping out of school. Boys wrestling in the evenings. The determination in my daughters eyes as she struggles to get around on crutches. Little boys in halloween costumes.

I feel emotional. Moody to the point of exhaustion.

When you break a persons heart it is very hard to mend that heart. A heart can be torn and stretched and filled, but it has its limit. Eventually it will break. Things have been hard in this house. There is anger flowing and filling in those broken spots. We work through the days to protect the children from all the sorrow, the loss of something magical. We work through the nights, talking, crying, avoiding. We wake as exhausted as we fell. A relentless circle.

It has become painfully obvious that a small percentage of the population require some advice on etiquette when dining out. As a (somewhat) professional i am going to offer up some advice.

1. As a general rule in regard to gratuity 10% is insulting, 15% is acceptable and 20% shows respect and gratitude for a good to great dining experience. As someone in the industry i always tip more than 20% whether it's Boston Pizza or French Laundry.

2. Just because the bread is free does not mean you can have as much as you want, especially if you ordered a salad and water.

3. If you had an unsatisfactory dining experience please let us know. We really want everybody to enjoy themselves.

4. If your meal is unsatisfactory please let us know right away so that we can fix it. If you tell us after you are finished we assume you are looking for a free meal.

5. If you get something extra or for free it is a gift, don't expect it every time.

6. If service is slow it means we are really busy. Before complaining have a look around. Is the restaurant full? Are there several orders going in at the same time? It is safe to assume that if you see several tables with menus open at the same time that service may be somewhat delayed. Rest assured that we are working as hard and fast as we can to get you what you need.

7. We know what you want before you do. If we are slow getting you an 8th cocktail or third bottle of wine it's because we know you don't really want that hangover or DUI.

8. If you are unsure about tasting wine follow these steps: approve the label (make sure it's what you ordered), swirl the wine in the glass, sniff and sip. (You can even skip the sniff.) This tasting is not to see if you like the wine, but to check for quality. If you don't like it you may or may not be stuck with it, depending on the variety and price. An open bottle of wine is hard to sell.

9. Let us pour your wine for you.

10. If you are in a rush, go to the drive thru.

11. If you are bringing your children please come early so that you can be served promptly and the kids don't get restless.

12. Everybody is "friends" with the owner.

13. Don't worry about your cutlery, we'll make sure you have what you need.

14. The chef does appreciate compliments. The chef does not appreciate being pulled into conversations in the middle of a busy service.

15. Don't call us honey, darling, sweety etc. It's condescending.

16. Please don't assume we know you unless we have personally served you more than twice.

17. Relax. Enjoy the food, the company, the atmosphere and the wine.

18. And then go home. If you are the only table in the restaurant on a week night don't sit and chat for two hours without ordering anything else. Lots of us have kids and families to go home to and wake up with in the morning.

Thank you.

*photo by victornuno/

It was my birthday yesterday. All i wanted was a day with my children. A day we could be together and celebrate. Not celebrate me as much as celebrate what i have.

I kept them home from school. That was the perfect start, no rushing around, no lunches to pack.

On tuesday tristan saw the orthopedic surgeon who said her leg was healing nicely and cut her cast down to a much more manageable knee height. So, she was mobile, somewhat, and we piled in the van and headed to town.

We spent the morning investigating every nook and cranny of the museum. Tristan in her wheelchair and the other kids running circles around us. We had fun. We laughed, we learned and we were together. We had a nice lunch and headed home so that i could get to work.

It was exactly the day i had hoped for.

I am not sure of what this coming year has to offer me. I have been thinking and reading a lot about self, personal freedom and state of being. A friend and reader has been offering me small bits of wisdom and clarity over the past couple years and finally it is clicking. I have been making assumptions about myself that were too simple; didn't uncover the real truths behind or under the surface. I am hopeful that this year will bring me some freedom from the thoughts and feelings that have been my dominant theme since 2006. I am hopeful that my path will become more apparent. I am hopeful that my brain will be less cloudy.

I am hopeful.

As we were beginning dinner service last night the power went out. Despite living in an area of frequent power outages, this was the first time it had happened to me at work. The restaurant was instantly silent. We had about 8 customers in at the time and were expecting a full house by the end of the evening. The silence was awkward, no music, no talking, no fans and fire from the kitchen. The restaurant had gone from a bustle to complete stillness in the blink of an eye.

We spent a few moments assessing the situation, determined that power was out for a large portion of the island (freaky) and decided to continue on in the spirit of thanks. We had a turkey hot (and done) out of the oven and could use the gas on the stoves only intermittently as the hood fans were down. Instead of choosing between a traditional turkey dinner, venison or handmade raviolis, we offered each and every person a plate of turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy and salad - no stuffing, no veg, no pretty extras.

Everybody was thrilled and as we filled the restaurant with candles and poured wine the atmosphere became a little bit magical. There was happiness and thankfulness. Everything that was important was right there in that little room. Family, friends, food. Simple and perfect. It gave me a thanks when i couldn't be with my own family.

It's thanksgiving weekend. We didn't have turkey, we had ribs. I was going to make a big dinner with all the trimmings, but life got in the way. I stayed up late last night making a photo album from my flickr photos. Going through four years of photos is a great way to remember all the good times, all the things you have to be thankful for.

I am thankful for my children. I am thankful for this life. I am thankful that life has been sometimes difficult because it has let me see the value in the good things. The small things. The big things. The love that i am surrounded by and sometimes take for granted. I am thankful that my children live in this amazing country, that they live a life free.

I am thankful for the internet. The access to information, entertainment and friends. I am thankful for this website and it's record of my life. I am thankful for you.

Mates of State "My Only Offer" from Retread Sessions on Vimeo.

Life has taken a very slow turn. Tristan and i sit around all day trying to keep entertained. We've had lots of giggles. We are only a week in and i don't think she'll be ready for school, in a wheelchair, for at least another week.

I've had plenty of time to sit and think.

Just when i felt that life was spinning away from me i was given this opportunity to slow right down. It's been good, a little reprieve at the perfect moment.

I've been ruminating about self. As in me and my sense of self. Not how others perceive me or what i think they see, what i am. I know who i am. I just don't fully understand this thing called self. How i want to be in this world and what i want reflected at me and by me. I don't think i can find peace until i understand this thing.

There are the simple things - mother, daughter, friend. But there is something more, something deeper that i left behind, that i have lost. The spirit of me. The passion, love, compassion, sympathy, longing, searching. The forces that combine in your heart and soul to make a unique whole person.

Let me tell you about my kids. They are amazing, resilient little creatures. My children fill me with pride each and every day. I wake up in the morning excited to see them, to see what new things this day will have in store.

Tristan has been amazing with her broken leg. She never complains. I feel so sorry for her; each day an exciting journey from bed to sofa and back. She keeps saying "sorry" when she complains about me hurting in her when i struggle to carry her to the bathroom. I say "don't be sorry, don't ever be sorry." It has been amazing to watch her deepening sympathy and understanding of the world around her and how her attitude and actions, and others, effect her surroundings. She is a bright star.

Toby has joined his peers in his new school with enthusiasm and charm. He is everyone's buddy. He continues to struggle with his language arts and has needed a lot of encouragement to face each spelling test and reading assignment. He is pushing through. This week he will start receiving extra support which will, hopefully, be great for him. Watching the way his apraxia continues to cause him learning and developmental delays has been heart-wrenching.

Eliza has blossomed in the new school. Reaching out to new friends and taking risks that were unheard of a year ago. She feels safe in her classroom which is not nut-free, but aware. She has never had to face this threat before and in many ways it has given her a sense of power and ownership of her allergies. She needs to keep herself safe and not rely on others to do that for her. I can see that she is proud of her bravery and that she sees the pride in me.

Parker cries each morning before kindergarten and walks out at the end of each day proclaiming "school was great today!" I hope that soon the morning anxiety will ease. He has, so far, saved his anger and frustration for home. I had visions of him whacking his classmates, but he still reserves that behaviour for his siblings. A few weeks ago he learned to ride without training wheels by, literally, pedaling away. No help. It was amazing. Now his favourite thing to do is to go to the skate park and ride around. He put his head under water for the first time this weekend. He is taking risks and feeling the reward. I am proud and a little sad to see him grow up.

My kids keep me going, make me smile, make me cry, make me proud.

Last night my beautiful daughter fell over a soccer ball and got a spiral fracture in her tibula and fibula. A break that wraps itself around and around her precious bones.

We sat in emergency for hours and hours, her in miserable pain and me helpless to do anything but stroke her forehead. She's such an amazing girl, her sense of humour staying strong throughout. As the accident happened at soccer practice all the medical staff kept calling her "sporty" and she would laugh till she winced saying over and over "I'm not sporty! My team is probably happy, i'm the worst player!"

When they put the cast on they gave her a drug that made her silly and also made it so she wouldn't remember the pain. I felt so bad for her, but it was kind of hilarious to see my eleven year old "high." She was crying and laughing at the same simultaneously. Saying "oh that hurts, oh that hurts, it could be worse..." Over and over till it became a little tune we were all singing.

Anyway, today she's in tremendous pain and in a cast toe to thigh. She will be home, immobile for a couple of weeks and in the cast for 8-10 weeks. It's going to be a tough road for a bit.