for where i live

for road trips

for cabins in the woods

for outdoor showers

for bad service

for surfer girls

for everything

for a perfect weekend.

Last night i had one table stay in the restaurant really late. They were a nice couple and i didn't want to rush them which is a difficult task in an empty room late at night. An exercise in patience. I sat in the kitchen reading Gourmet and peeking out every once in a while to fill their coffees and check in.

Tomorrow i will be heading to tofino for a weekend without computers.

I have never been to tofino, but have wanted to go for as long as i can remember. It sits in my heart as a magical place, a rare place on earth. Reservations have been made at a lovely restaurant and a little cabin on the beach will be ours. Wetsuits will be rented and body surfing will happen. I am beyond excited.

I made all these plans while sitting in the kitchen last night. Hoping that i may be the one having the lovely evening this weekend.

There is something to be said for a passing fancy. Something that is just there. When your heart tempts you.

There is also something to be said for love.

When something you love walks past you and becomes a passing fancy.

Knowing that fancy is momentary, but love is monumental.

All i really want is to be forgiven. To be treated as a normal human being who is deserving of respect.

My oldest daughter was having a very difficult time in middle school. Just not fitting in socially. She would come to me in tears several nights a week because she "had no friends." She may be a little awkward socially, but she is vibrant, smart, silly and loves to laugh. She would be a great friend. I know that because she is my friend.

We stayed up late on sunday night talking together. I felt helpless to offer advice that would really help her. No matter how much i would like to i can't make people like her and frankly the thought of other children not being nice to her hurts me to my core. I offered her the option of going back to her old school, the school that we pulled all the kids out of. She said yes.

On tuesday morning she jumped out of bed and happily hobbled on her casted leg into her old school and the arms of her old friends. I stopped by at recess and watched her from my hiding place in my car with a group of girls and boys giggling and laughing. A face filled with joy.

Tears ran down my cheeks. Relief and joy to see her happy again.

Also a little sad. I want to be happy again. I want to have someone's arms to run into. Someone who will forgive me and make me laugh.

Wow, those were some great questions. I'm going to start at the bottom and work my way up because it's easier that way.

Stacy of the fabulous misss asks:

You write often about really experiencing your kids and living life with them and watching them grow. I'm a new mom ... my son is almost one. What are three pieces of parenting wisdom that you have? Simple or complex ... how do you suggest I parent/mother to teach my children to live, laugh and love with integrity and respect?

For me i try and keep it simple. First is BREATHE. There are times when kids can be challenging, frustrating, infuriating; we all lose our cool on occasion. I like to try and remind myself to take a step back and breathe when i feel that adrenaline kicking in. They are just kids.

Second would be to try and enjoy the simple moments. To really try and be present when you see joy on your child's face. Soak it in and feel and appreciate that joy. It will bring you that same joy.

Lastly, for me, is to never be in a rush when you are having "kid" time. Everything else can wait, at least for an hour. Your child may never want to sing that song with you again.

Lia from Family Freitas asks:

What's your favorite food and color?

My favourite colour is blue, or maybe green, no blue. I recently took an interest in how my bedroom looks and purchased an antique milk wash dresser. I put a lovely lamp with an icy blue shade on it and an extra large candle in a glass jar of the same colour. A dark blue rug sits on the floor and a lovely raincloud archival print i bought from Supermarket sits in a frame on the wall. Every single time i walk into the room that little corner makes me smile.

I love food, it's hard to pick one thing. I am definitely a savoury girl. I can turn away anything sweet at anytime, but give me a cheese plate with some olives and a lovely glass of red wine and i will be your friend forever. I am also heavily carnivorous. I was a vegetarian for fifteen years and since i switched teams i have become a lover of venison, fish, and steak - a six ounce filet mignon is near nirvana for me.

Gwendomama of the blog of the same name asks:

What is the strangest google search you had last month? or this month.
You know I am asking that because MINE was 'addicted to prostate massage'.

Well i happened to look at these today and let me tell you i curse the day i said "fucking" on this website because it creates some creepy searches. But the top five so far this month:

1. why am i so fucking depressed

2. i'm all alone its just me how i miss my family i wish it was yesterday today i dont feel very brave

3. very sore bum just passed monster stool

4. thank you for letting me know that you will not offer me the position

5. tips on making the loudest stinkiest and longest fart ever to be made and smelled

I know number one and two aren't strange, but they touched me.

Ada's son Franklin whose mom writes the awesomtastic Dirty Olive asks:

"What are you doing?"

Well Franklin, as i sit here typing my kids are all upsatirs. Tristan is in the bath because she can finally do that. You see she broke her leg seven weeks ago and had a cast on for six, but last week i bought her an aircast that she can take on and off. She is smelling much better.

Toby and Parker are playing an elaborate game that includes army men, stuffed animals, train tracks and the two dogs.

Eliza is hanging on the bannister in mid chin-up position. She does this quite often because she is kooky that way.

When i finish typing this i'm going to go up and read some stories and tuck them all in.

My total BFF Christle asks:

What is up with that pumpkin? Seriously that looks like pumpkin abuse

That pumpkin is still sitting on the fence in the driveway. I took that picture yesterday in perfect rot stage. I also messed with it in Picnik which is my very favourite photo editing site. I do plan on abusing that pumpkin more tomorrow.

Now the more difficult questions.

Jerusalem from miastoriadivita asks:

Are you still working at the restaurant at night? Have you thought about working a more day time/morning cafe so you are not apart as much?

Yes, i am still working at night and it has been an issue. You see, i love my job. I love working nights. Daytime shifts would earn me far less money. Also, and this is important to me, i stayed home with the kids for ten years. I put in a lot of years as primary caregiver and i am not ready to go back to that. I love the financial independence and, yes, getting out of the house. I really, really like my job and i haven't had anything like that for a long time. For the time being i have no plans of changing my employment even though it would probably make my personal life a little easier.

And finally Pam from I want my mom asks:

I was just wondering if you and Shane are still working things out or if things eventually fell through

The short answer is that yes, we are still trying to work things out. It has been a very hard process that i haven't wanted to write about because the emotions run so high and it can be one of those things where you say something you regret. I can tell you that 70% of married couples who separate and try and reconcile end up divorced. Thanks for rooting for us though.

And that's that. Thanks guys. That was fun, except for that last bit.

Ask me anything and i will answer as clearly and thoughtfully as i can. except for my religion as i am still undecided....

what do you want to know about me?

in comments, links free.

jess
xx

Last night i sat down with a friend and poured out my soul. My fears, my desires, my struggles, my life. It had all been sitting there needing to come out. I have spoken with many people over the past week about what is going on in my life. Told them bits and pieces, not wanting to share everything, scared to share everything.

I have had a lot of advice. All of it good. All of it needed. Some positive and some negative. All of it very similar.

All of it leaving me with a sinking feeling in my gut.

Last night i was given better ideas. A little bit different. I had clarity on some core problems with my life. I need to make some changes.

Internal and external.

I start working with a new life coach this week. It seems like an extravagance in many ways, yet, i am very excited to work on myself. With guidance.

The kids and i just spent three days in vancouver visiting family and friends. It was lovely and everything being with family is supposed to be.

I felt loved and supported. Family, i'm learning, is a wonderful thing. A team that is always there, listening and sharing.

On tuesday evening i went out for drinks with a very old friend. Someone who has known me for twenty years. We haven't seen each other in seven years, but within a few minutes all that time just disappeared. We talked and talked. About life, love and blogging/social networking. It made me realize how much i treasure this website and the way it has unfolded. The weaving road of my life cataloged in miniature clips. I can't remember ever sitting down and talking about this little world with somebody who understands it and shares my passion for it. It was inspiring. Gave me a little boost to keep on working at it, expanding what i do.

Mostly, going out that evening reminded me what a magical thing a friendship can be. Like family, a lifelong friend has an understanding and thoughtfulness on your life that comforts. A dynamic where you feel truly present and yourself. I miss my friends from the city.

I'm a little angry at myself for taking so long to make an effort, face my anxieties, and connect with people. I go to vancouver several times a year and this was the first time that i followed through on best intentions to see people. To open myself up to the possibility for fun.

It was a wonderful little visit. For the kids and me.

I just spent an hour reading this article about David Foster Wallace (via Sweetney).

My chest is literally aching now. A short sharp pain that is just sitting there. DFW was an amazing man, An amazing, tortured, man. What moved me so deeply about the article was the similarities i felt with his life. The pain of being alive. The torment of being a quiet observer. The humiliation of mental illness. The shame.

The searching for something to make it better, to justify who you are, to make yourself better, prove yourself to the world.

The drugs. The pharmaceuticals that just don't work, or worse, change who you are. Make the world a dull, foggy, harsh place to be. And the fear of life without them. The fear of being helpless, of getting to a place when death seems the best solution to put an end to the suffering that is killing you anyway.

It also made me thankful that i've been to that place and have come back. That i am better.

Also fearful. Fearful for the day depression creeps back in, because i know it will. To believe otherwise would be foolish.

It feels strange to be feeling like something is lost today when so much was won yesterday.

Today i feel like the innocence i once had is completely gone. I've negotiated my way through many twists and turns in this life. But, this year, i have found a heart that was lost.

I found my heart. It is a sad and broken thing, but it is mine.

The innocence i lost, the thing i lost today? An idealistic dream that someone else could take care of my heart. Could take care of me. It is my heart and mine to take care of. I am the only one responsible for me. I can't always be doing what i feel is right for others at cost to me.

It all sounds so simple. Just like the little lessons i try and teach my kids. Nothing is simple.

The complete breakdown of a marriage is always two sided and it is a terrible thing. Good people make bad decisions. Good couples don't always make it. Don't always make it through.

Today is not a great day. The towel isn't thrown in yet, but like in a boxing match, both sides are holding it in the air, ready to let it drop.

Tonight there is really not a whole lot to say.

Just a big sigh of relief and faith restored in what is right.

Thank you america.

It's hard being canadian today. Being canadian and knowing what my neighbours are doing tomorrow may have some drastic effects on me, my family, my country.

We are all talking about it. What will happen to our economy. What will happen to yours. Will you still have a home next year. A job.

Will our conservative government be given a boost by yours.

How did all of this become such a mockery all over the internet. At what point is all of this not so fnny anymore. Tomorrow there may not be all that much to laugh at.

I know that i have hope. Hope that a great country can stand up for rights and freedoms and progress. That we can all share a sigh of relief in twenty four hours.

Sometimes when i'm feeling in the dumps i like to take a step back and think about things that make me happy or sad. It helps to pull things out one at a time, compartmentalize them. Each one a little thing that i can tuck away and save and accept.

Today i am thinking about things i appreciate and in no particular order i came up with these things:

~ warm showers
~ kisses in the morning
~ cheese
~ arugula
~ my new winter boots
~ sleeping in
~ composting
~ recycling
~ gardening
~ excellent local wines
~ good friends
~ late nights
~ costumes on other people
~ big tips
~ my childrens faces when they are sleeping
~ the sound of my children laughing
~ smiles with eyes
~ a knowing wink
~ music
~ songwriters
~ when i take a really great photo
~ espresso drinks made with love
~ homemade pasta
~ weekends without plans
~ modern medicine and homeopathy mixing together
~ all the things my mom taught me
~ my sister listening and giving good advice
~ sleeping

Well, i'm doing nablopomo again and here we are at day one and i'm verklempt.

I missed halloween with my kids for the second time in a row because i had to work.

Sometimes working sucks. The kids give me a lot of guilt about working. They miss me. Always asking how many days until a day off. I have been off my mothering game this week. Too many other things eating away at me.

Today my heart was pulled apart by this amazing website. Go there now, you won't be the same after.