I sit in my little island hideaway, perfectly secluded and alone. Alone and anonymous, yet completely naked. I lay it out there in vulnerable shards. Shards of my life, bits and pieces that don't come together to make a complete story.
Many people think they know me because of these words i write. This is only a piece of me, the parts that i choose to share. They often seem too personal, too intimate. Thrown on the screen without hesitation.
That is not it. I choose what i write about with great trepidation. Many things flow through my head before i hit publish. The first being: is this going to hurt someone i care about? I always try to be mindful of those i love. I have hesitated to write about my separation and reconciliation because the events that surround them are intensely personal and i have wanted to protect my children from potential hurt.
The problem therein is my community. This website is read by coworkers, friends, family, my children's friends parents, and on it goes. Last winter it became apparent that there were many in my community who were aware of the events that lead up to my separation and they felt entitled to cast blame and, even, lay judgement in comments right here.
This has made me realize that i can't protect my children from information. I can teach them compassion, empathy and forgiveness. And one day i will have a conversation with them about this past year and the years before them and after them. How they were loved.
I am ashamed of my actions last year. I hurt people i loved out of greed and self-indulgent behaviour that was fueled by my struggle with depression. I have seen and felt the incredible pain i caused. I have asked for forgiveness from the people that matter most and most have given me that.
Yet, there are still those people who want to punish me. I can only imagine that it is out of great fear. Fear that it could happen to them. The simple answer is yes, yes it can happen to you. And if it does, no matter which side of the trauma you land on, you will need friends. You will need people who can listen without judging, who will stand at your side, who will forgive. Who will be your lifesaver. If you are not capable of being that friend then how can you expect to find one.
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So true - be strong.
Posted by Neesja Leger | December 5, 2008 3:31 PM