Over the past week i have noticed ads on television for a new show "Toddlers and Tiaras." Each time the commercial came on a little shiver rolled down my spine and i had to say to myself - do not watch that. I could just picture my mother screaming at the television set. She has a habit of getting very angry with anything on television that goes against her tightly wound morals.

Anyway. I found myself up and alone on tuesday night and what did i watch? Toddlers and tiaras. My first reaction was horror. Little girls! With sprayed on tans and make-up and shaky, shaky hips. And their mothers and fathers! Encouraging, Participating.

I watched the whole show. And then i slapped myself in the face and very possibly kicked my own ass.

Who am i to judge? And more importantly, why would i? These are families who are supportive of each other, spending time together and, seemingly, celebrating each others successes and relishing in the company of family.

I am well aware that the show is nothing more than a glorification/vindication of these families. It's intent to create animosity in the viewer. To make you despise those parents and draw the unspoken correlation back to that little girl who was murdered.

I let my kids ride their bikes without a helmet in the driveway. Children die from not wearing a helmet. If you saw a photo of my child without a helmet will it spark you with anger? Perhaps, if it is a subject that is close to you. You may notice the lack of helmet and strike it up to a bad choice. Will it fill you with rage? I doubt it.

I've been thinking about the show since i watched it. Part of what i try to teach my kids is compassion and understanding of the world around them and to never judge other people for their actions, but to try and understand the reasons behind those actions. To accept the world and all the varied souls in it as dynamic and unique. We don't need to agree or understand everything, but we do need to be compassionate and forgiving.

1. instant coffee in a pinch.

2. finding a toonie in the melting snow.

3. learning as much as parker while reading him the Magic Treehouse series.

4. really, really great lentil soup.

5. an hour alone in the bookstore.

1. sick days with kids = hours of reading on the couch; a much needed brake.

2. ginger ale, out of the bottle, first thing in the morning to battle the Amitriptylene dry mouth.

3. having the excuse of "pre-reading" to indulge in the Twilight series.

4. good friends blogging.

5. the bacon grease burn on my arm coming to perfect scab picking healiness.

This morning Parker, in the midst of an angry moment, said to me "i wish you were in heaven."

Now, i know he's only five, he didn't really mean it and he didn't understand the sting those words would have. I couldn't get angry with him, i just told him how much those words hurt and asked him to apologize to me. I got a grudgingly angry "SORRY!"

Parker has always been a little fireball. When he is hurt, physically or emotionally, his reaction is anger. Even rage. I have tried and tried over the years to get him to understand the route of these aggressive feelings and channel them somewhere else. Or, better yet, to just walk away.

I have not had much success. I keep hoping that he will grow out of it, that he will change.

Wanting a five year old, whom i adore, to change is kind of a ridiculous goal. For now i will continue to reward the good and ignore the bad. Unless you have a different idea?

I am trying to wrap my head around writing a grace in small things post and i just can't think of anything to say today.

Yesterday i had a yucky doctors appointment and then i discovered eliza had lice after her bath and then while checking toby i found a flea in his hair. Total ugh. Then, of course, my night ended with a fight.

I took my first Amitryptiline before bed and woke up dizzy, foggy, and dehydrated. I hate this.

I am trying to see the good in everything, but sometimes, sometimes we all just need to wallow.

1. marmalade the cat, held upside down in tristans arms and stretching to a mighty meter and a half, arms and legs pointed straight out at opposite ends.

2. nienie. Incredible and inspiring.

3. an hour and a half nap with parker in the afternoon.

4. a really great song.

5. plans for chicago in the summer coming together.

My day has been full of ironic twists in what, i can only assume, is a karmic payback.

Bright and early this morning i headed to the doctor for that wonderful annual physical. All is good; weight, blood pressure, heart, lungs, reflexes, other parts. I had a couple of concerns which the wonder of google had me alternately feeling like a hypochondriac and on the verge of death by curious disease.

One thing was nothing. A lump is sometimes just a lump.

The other thing has me headed out in the morning for blood tests and CAT scans. You see, for a couple months when i engage in a certain activity, just as i get to the best part of that activity, i get a sudden onset migraine that feels more like my brain is about to explode. So, i've stopped doing that activity because i really didn't want my head to explode.

The doctor was a little concerned, but had heard of this problem before. Which is always a relief because i don't want to be some medical phenomenon.

He prescribed me a low dose of an antidepressant which has some success in relief of migraines. I can't help feeling like i am coming full circle. Just days after i write that big post about not taking medication, i am here, blue pills in hand.

1. getting my hair cut and my eyebrows waxed every five weeks.

2. talking with parker about the 44th president over our weekly lunch date.

3. folding laundry with parker and laughing at him turning all the socks into sausage rolls.

4. not attending the general meeting at school and not feeling guilty about it.

5. gossiping over a bowl of edamame beans.

1. wearing little asian shirts to work this month.

2. extra strength advil.

3. singing a song in my head when my kids whine to avoid breaking down.

4. mojitos on the beach

5. looking at my c-section scar(s) every morning and being thankful for modern medicine saving my eliza's life.

Thanks to schmutzie for that title.

I have been struggling in small and large ways recently. I vacillate between anxiety, paranoia and calmly accepting this life. At times i struggle with this feeling that the world is out to get me. That no matter how i try, how hard i work to be a good person, how i trudge forward to a better future - i am simply not capable of being the person the universe needs me to be. That i am doomed to a life of loneliness.

That when my children are grown i will be left an empty shell with no past, present or future.

I know that my children are, in many ways, my life's great work. I know that they are and will be amazing, generous, complicated creatures. But, will they look at me and wonder why i never did more. Why what i had was never enough.

I have always struggled with trying to be content with being a mother, a homemaker, a wife. Many women live happily in the privileged state that i exist. There is a home, food, clothing, toys - everything we could possibly need. Yet, i have wanted more. I want more.

I want success in something that i can wrap my fingers around. Something that will be respected and appreciated. Most of my twenties and thirties have flown by in this whirlwind of family. The shiny faced university graduate full of expectation and promise got lost. Now i approach middle age and i have not accomplished any of the things that young girl hoped to.

I have watched and supported my husband as he has turned drive and determination into a successful business. I think i am not alone in resenting this common position in a marriage. He has both the children and home and the success and respect from peers.

Doubled up with that is the frustration that if i was a middle aged man returning to the workforce my possibilities would be much less limited. It was not my dream to be a waitress. I do enjoy it. I love food and the mysterious dance of dining. I am too old to become a chef. It's hard enough for female chefs to garner respect or status, restaurants do not hire beginner chefs older than 35. It doesn't happen. It is a young man's game.

I don't even particularly want to be a chef. It has been one of many occupations i have rolled around in my head and crossed off a mental list.

I am frustrated. I wonder if being a mother was a socially respected and status garnering occupation i would feel any differently.

1. my ipod and it's bose docking station in my bedroom, it makes folding laundry a little less horrible.

2. delurking day giving me insight on my readers.

3. stars "take me to the riot"

4. The United States of Tara and my brave friend LeahPeah

5. copious cups of tea with milk and honey.

We escaped up island for a couple days this weekend. It was really lovely to have time with the kids without any of the pressures of home and work.

I stayed one night and then left with tristan to head to work saturday night and drop her off at a birthday party. Tristan and i had a great time together. She is a super companion. As she gets older she is so much fun to be around. She's comfortable with quietly listening to music or chatting away about anything. We both read Twilight last week and discussed it at length on the drive. I asked her if she were bella if she would want to be a vampire or stay human and she said "i'd stay human because i don't think i could resist human blood, i can barely resist candy right now!"

I love all the ages and stages of parenting. They are all so exciting to witness. I am really looking forward to this next stage of raising children.

1. 20% tips.

2. laughing with friends.

3. bringing home a giant moonsnail shell only to find a giant crab living in it, then run around screaming like girls with the girls.

4. spending several hours alone with my oldest daughter.

5. watching the kids swimming, each of them progressing huge amounts.

1. coffee ready for me in the morning.

2. sun shining on the snow making the whole world sparkle.

3. being woken up by a giant cat biting my nose.

4. cappuccino's with hearts in the foam.

5. rushing out of the house to go to a cabin on the beach for the weekend.

1. everybody on that plane is safe.

2. while sitting beside parker admiring his new love of drawing he says "I think i want to be a book writer when i grow up. It's just so interesting."

3. talking honestly with my daughter about not being invited to a birthday party and how we can try to make the best of the situation.

4. eliza bravely going on her field trip today and later listening to how fun it was.

5. knowing that this cold i have will go away.

1. taking the high road.

2. parker fishing a toy out from under the bed saying "come to poppa," and thinking he may very well be a poppa some day.

3. toby stubbornly refusing to cut his hair and me stubbornly admitting it looks really cute now.

4. safely drinking water out of a tap.

5. back scratches.

1. getting a private email from a reader that is tender and kind and inspiring.

2. making shellfish bouillabaisse for dinner and watching the kids eat the squid and octopus.

3. serving dinner to a husband and wife out celebrating her 94th birthday.

4. finally compiling all my random journals into one.

5. the giant, under the surface, pimple on my chin finally subsiding - a bit.

Why hello friends. Today is delurking day and i am posting this a little late. So, let's just say this goes right through until tuesday afternoon. I don't get many comments, i think, for a variety of reasons like; what can you say to the crazy lady, i don't comment much elsewhere, i'm not active in my comments section, and i'm a little boring.

I considered turning comments off permanently on january 1st, but decided instead to try and be a more active comment manager.

Anyhow, show me a little love today and i will try and reciprocate that love. Why don't you tell me your favourite fruit. Mine is a tie between dragonfruit and cape gooseberries. Or, just say hey.

In my effort to show some reader gratitude i am going to try and explain the contents of my herbal pharmaceutical shelf. I've had several people ask about the supplements i take since i stopped taking prescription medicine.

My longtime standby has been Rescue Remedy. I keep it in spray form in my purse and a couple bottles around the house. I use it when i'm feeling anxious or a little off kilter. I also use it for Parker when he is having temper issues or when his skin is itchy, itchy, itchy from his eczema. It works really well for him. I have found that it's usefulness for anxiety has lessened over the years, but i still like it for that off kilter thing.

Holy Basil is my newest weapon for anxiety. I take a couple tablets before stressful situations and drink it in tea form any old time. I love it and really feel it's benefits.

I also take a multivitamin, flax seed oil and trace selenium for mental health.

I have also started taking activated charcoal tablets for my anxious stomach. The majority of my anxiety focuses on my digestive tract and since starting activated charcoal on a regular basis i have felt healthier in the lower half of my torso than i have since i was a child.

That's about it. It's no magic solution, but it is what works for me more often than not. I am in no way suggesting that what i do is right for everyone. Mental illness is serious and often requires pharmaceuticals and those pharmaceuticals save lives. I don't have any qualms about people taking the medicine they need to make them healthy. For me, this is what works.

Go with love.

Oh, but comment first.

1. listening to the NPR "All Songs Considered" podcast every monday.

2. salmon sashimi with lots of wasabi.

3. my weekly lunch date with Parker.

4. witnessing parker learn to read - it doesn't lose any of it's magic, even the fourth time around.

5. witnessing tristan becoming a tween; sleeping in, staying up late reading, locking the bathroom door, general dislike of her young siblings, creating a funky unique wardrobe for herself.

1. putting a ponytail in my daughters hair every morning because i'm the only one that can do it right.

2. customers that don't get angry when service is slow.

3. soda and cranberry juice.

4. clean sheets and freshly shaved legs.

5. finally not hating my freckles.

I was talking with a friend the other day about happiness. We had been discussing how we were both a little melancholy within our current day to day life. She said "i just want to have a really great day." and i thought about that.

I want that too.

How many really great days can a person have in a year? I mean REALLY great. One a month, a week a year?

I had a really great day when shane and i went and saw Beck and Band of Horses. I had a great day recently being lazy and watching a movie AND having a nap and then going out for dinner on my own. I had a couple great days camping with the kids last summer.

I haven't had enough great days.

Shouldn't we have a great day more often? Are my expectations too high?

Of course, when i start thinking this way i begin to feel super guilty because there are a whole lotta ways to have a bad day in this world and no shortage of people having really bad days.

1. butter. yum. with everything. in everything.

2. being able to finally get the recycling out after the four feet of snow have almost melted.

3. walking in the rain without worrying about getting wet.

4. walking out of counseling - knowing it's done for another week.

5. holy basil tea.

1. My youngest son bravely making it through kindergarten despite his separation anxiety.

2. Spending hours watching the fire in the woodstove.

3. Taking only fifteen minutes to have a shower and get dressed and out the door and the hat that makes that all possible.

4. A good book in a comfy bed.

5. Knowing how to make a really great salad dressing.

1. knee socks.

2. little clusters of toys left mid-play. it's like small views into the lives of my children when i'm not here.

3. getting that piece of popcorn out of my teeth.

4. cheese toast and orange juice for breakfast every day.

5. houseplants that don't die.

I just spent the better part of two days reading Twilight. Tristan expressed an interest in reading it so i thought i'd better check it out first to see if it was appropriate for an almost twelve year old. (verdict? Undecided.)

In spite of myself that book sucked me in, back in, to this vortex of my youth. My sullied youth spent with died black hair, black eyeliner and pale, pale skin. I would spend hours hidden away in my room reading and listening to music. Not miserable, not happy. Melancholy. A melancholy fueled by sad songs and books that i lost myself in, completely. A good story sucks me in and alters my perception of reality. I become lost in this nether conscious that is not present and, somehow, not somewhere else. Just floating in the words of a story. Soaking them in and letting them pulse through my body.

My penchant for staying up late started when i was around ten years old. At that time i started having horrible nightmares and developed a deep fear of sleeping. More accurately; sleeping when it was dark. I would force myself to stay up until the sun began to break the night sky. I would read secretly in my closet with a small lamp. Tucked in a ball on the floor, doors closed, blankets tight around me. Over the years my fear of the dark subsided and i began to look forward to the long nights alone in my room with my favourite characters and words as company. My nightmares occurred less often, but were as intense as ever. My reaction to them turned from fear to anxiety. I still wake up mid panic several times a week. All the words and stories i have read over a lifetime crossing wires with my real life in nightmarish tales that leave my sleeping mind terrified.

Reading Twilight reminded me of those feelings. I wandered around work in a daze last night, looking forward to the quiet dark of the house upon my return. Digging right back in to the story and the blissfull state of not here or there.

We had (another) snowstorm last night which resulted in the first day back at school being a snow day. Tristan and i sat around making this video which details my (typical) day from 3-11pm. I promise to lay off the videos soon, just having fun figuring out imovie.

a night at work from jess howard on Vimeo.

2009. Here you are. I thought things would be different by the time you got here. I thought that if i had a whole year without depression things would be a lot more rosy on january 1, 2009.

Well, to be fair, it is january 2nd and the first thirty six hours of 2009 i spent a great majority of working. The last push before the slower months set in. Ironically, on january 1st i made more money than i did on any night in 2008 - a good sign i think.

So 2009, let us start again. This year i want to continue on a positive mental note. I have been off medication for nine months now and have, to be honest, noticed very little difference, save for the anxiety. Anxiety has been a little wacky, but a friend told me to try holy basil and it has helped immensely. (Also, activated charcoal for my anxious tummy) I want to do things to promote a healthy mind/body balance this year.

I have one major personal goal in relation to healthy body and that is to hike the westcoast trail. I plan on doing this in the early fall. I did half (or less) of the trail when i was twelve with the Junior Forest warden troupe i belonged to. I like the idea of the challenge, the danger and the beauty. I'll need to train for a couple months before hand. I might be a little big-headed, but i have great stamina and i think i will be able to do it without begging for mercy at any point. Last september i ran 10 kilometers with the kids one morning without having jogged for years prior.

I have one personal goal with regards to artistic development and that is to finish the book proposal i started last summer AND write the book. At least a first draft. I have an awesome story in my head and i need to get it out.

I have one goal in regards to mental health and that is to eat better, sleep better, drink better. I eat well when i do it, but often skip meals because of time constraints and find myself starving at midnight. I don't sleep well. I have nightmares on a regular basis that cause me to have moderate anxiety in bed. I also still have parker sleeping beside me and he keeps me up for several hours a night. I don't drink enough water during the day and then find myself playing catch up in the evening which results in many trips to the bathroom through the night (back to sleep again.) I have worked on moderation in regards to alcohol consumption, but have been slipping back into bad habits under the stress of marriage 2.0. I need to make some changes there.

In general i don't want to make any huge plans for this year. I still feel like my future is very uncertain and many things still need to be changed in my personal life. I need to communicate my needs and be honest with myself and others about what i really need and want. I have some major goals for my kids, but i think i'll write them out separately.