Things will be wonky for the next few days as the deliciously lovely sweetney makes some design changes and upgrades for me.

She has started a new business with some other cool bloggers called Sweet Blog, check it out for all your site maintenance and design needs.

I'm in vancouver with the kids right now, so this will be good timing. I'll be back home and here on friday.

xo

It's been a week of firsts.

First sleep in the new house, first sleep in the house with the kids, first day alone. First grocery shop where the financial reality kicked in and the kids and i had to leave a cart full of groceries behind as i had mistaken the day the child tax credit went into my account.

First tears, first laughs.

The reality crashing down on me yesterday after i dropped the kids off that i was really here. Here in this house.

First walk to work, embracing the sunshine and collecting thoughts as my legs worked out the winter kinks.

There is nothing easy about all of this. This time feels so final, so definite. I am trying to think of all the positives; the vegetable garden waiting to be fed and seeded, the lovely windows looking out at the lake, the super comfy bed i bought myself, the friendships i will need to grow, the friends i already have - both here and there, the time to work on personal and professional growth.

Time alone is a good thing, i need to find comfort in solace and love in myself before i can find it anywhere else.

divorced from jess howard on Vimeo.

And so it is over. Tomorrow i will be moving out.

It is all very sad and heartbreaking and truly ending with love and a whimper.

Shane is a wonderful man, tender and loving. He is a wonderful father and has been a great provider for our family. This family will always be our family. We share a great love for our children. They will always know that. We have worked out custody arrangements that maximize both of our time with them. We will spend holidays as a family - birthdays and christmas and what-not.

We are both walking away hopeful that we will always be friends, that we will both be able to be happy again someday.

I am reading the new Wally Lamb book "The Hour I First Believed" and it has been incredibly tough to read during these past few difficult weeks. But the reference he makes to the chaos theory in it really struck a chord with me. Somewhere, three years ago, a butterfly flapped it's wings and sent my world into chaos.

I am hopeful that after the initial shock and sadness wears off my world will become calm again. I understand that it has been hard to follow what is happening in my life because of my many vague references and wailing tweets, but i have tried my best to respect the privacy of my family while trying to write out all the intense feelings i have been going through.

I am eternally hopeful that my kids will also, after their grief subsides, see that we put our greatest effort in. That each of us did everything we were capable of to make this marriage work. That we will always share a great love and that love is our children.

I won't write about this again.

I'm sitting here thinking of all the things that are driving me crazy, lego bits in the laundry, listening to my daughter play mary had a little lamb over and over on the piano, the broken flower pot. But really what's driving me crazy is this limbo my life is in.

Not here, not there.

For months i have been waiting for something to change. Listening over and over to all the ways that i have destroyed something. A heart can only be under attack for so long before it gives up. Packs the bags and moves on.

1. chubby legs and bare feet sticking out from under a laptop computer.

2. wearing all black while sitting on a bench on the first sunny day of the year.

3. sleeping in every day for the whole two weeks of spring break.

4. crocuses popping up in the garden.

5. toby bringing home a report card filled with improvements and pride.

Man, this daylight savings thing is really kicking our butts. We have trouble getting to bed, we have trouble getting up, we have trouble not being cranky.

This morning i woke up to silence at 8am. Nobody was awake yet. Being the slacker mom i am i immediately thought, meh - let's be late. I fell back asleep for a few minutes then all four kids came and joined me in bed. We giggled and laughed and taught parker the monkeys in the bed song. Pushing each of them out in fits of laughter.

It was nice. I like it when mornings start slow and relaxed with a nice moment of tenderness, it sets a good mood for the day.

It ended abruptly this morning as i felt guilty for being so slack and anticipating the "look" from the principal as i shuffled them into classes late. I rushed through a shower, shouting as i got in "20 minutes!" Then yelling again every five minutes till i was slinging my bag over my shoulder and rushing out to the car.

As it turned out my time and their time had not met when i jumped out of bed. I had started the morning slow and easy and then jarred them into rush mode. They didn't adapt. They were not ready. Socks weren't on, homework hadn't been found, lunches sat on the counter. And i snapped.

I found myself honking the horn like a lunatic in the driveway, feeling my blood pressure rise as i watched them scramble to find everything through the window.

I hate it when i do that. I set the tone and then i screw it all up by expecting them to behave like me. To get themselves ready in a blink when they are just kids - whimsical and slow.

I ended up pulling over to the side of the road halfway to school and apologizing for expecting too much from them and telling them that it wasn't fair of me to let them sleep in and have fun without explaining that we would still have to rush.

All of this to say daylight savings is a stinkeye.

You know
love is complicated.
Factor in youth
and children
and money
and family.

It's the chains that bind you.
Or the chains that divide you.

Love is unpredictable.
Love is always great.

Love never lasts.

Love in that starry way.
That i would die for you way.

You have children.
Everything changes
you would die for them
if you are lucky

But, in the end,
none of us are lucky
because when you open yourself up
to monumental love

you are lost in it.

For the past two weeks during counseling i have looked out the window to see a hawk take off from a tree and fly off towards the mountain. The view is stunning - rolling hills and snow capped mountains in the distance. The tree the hawk takes off from stands tall above all the others. When thoughts are swelling in my heart i look out there to gain some composure.

I sit in counseling, my heart pounding loudly in my chest, and my stomach growling loudly and nervously. I sit with my hands in my lap, the fingers of my right hand holding tightly to the skin between my thumb and pointer finger of my left hand. When i feel tears welling up i pinch that skin as hard as i can, trying to create enough pain to distract my mind from the weight in my chest.

Counseling is hard. So hard. I struggle with wanting to shut down, to just walk out, to not show up. Wishing i was that damn hawk flying freely.

Wishing that life was not so damn hard. I don't care who you are or what you have done or suffered - life is hard. It sounds so self-indulgent to say that. But each night as i lay in bed i think "that was a hard day. I wish i could have made it easier. I hope tomorrow will be easier."

I hope that i will make someone laugh, i hope my children will have a good day, i hope i can summon the energy to participate actively in this life, i hope i'm not sad, i hope i'm not lonely, i hope i can have a real conversation, i hope my kids will tell me they love me. I hope.

And i sit in counseling and listen to all the things i need to change in myself or else i will continue to fail. To fail at relationships, to fail at happiness, to fail at life. And i sit there and think i may have failed some people, but i have not failed myself or my children. And i think" how is this helping?" How is this helping me, highlighting the broken.

This morning i dragged parker along to an ultrasound appointment. The technician looked put off when she saw i was bringing my five year old son in with me. I just told her "he's used to being towed around with me."

He sat quietly on a chair intently looking at my organs on the screen. I told him that when you are pregnant and have an ultrasound you can see a little baby up on that screen. I could see wonder in his eyes. He was riveted.

As we walked hand in hand through the parking lot afterwards the questions started, including that lovely one; "how does a baby get in there anyway and what does the man have to do with it?" Time stopped in my head for a moment as i pondered the answer to the question factoring in his tender age and the easiest way to stop this conversation quickly.

So, i told him the truth in plain facts and opened the car door and plopped him in his booster. As i was walking around to the drivers side of the van i heard him giggling and talking to himself.

As we drove away he said "i'm NEVER getting married." I explained that you didn't have to be married to have babies. He paused. "I'm NEVER moving out."

1. people that send me snarky emails as opposed to actually commenting.

2. people that quote philosophers.

3. eyebrows plucked to nothing and filled in with pencil.

4. when my dog or cat has poo stuck on her bum and then scoots around on the carpet.

5. when, by accident, i touch the rim of a glass that someone else has been drinking out of, ditto for plates and triple ditto for people who leave snotty napkins on the table.

I've been thinking. (Surprising, i know.) I've been thinking about how i communicate.

The marriage counselor said i have a problem with shutting down/closing up. That is true, to an extent. Conversation is, and always has been, very difficult for me. I think that's why i have gravitated towards writing. It is much easier for me to write down what i think as opposed to tripping over words and hearts swelling in my throat.

My mind works so quickly and rapid fires between thoughts. When i let go and just talk i often end up making no sense, or worse, saying things i don't really mean. Or saying them wrong.

I suppose i am scared of confrontation. Does anybody like confrontation?

When faced with strong emotion i shut down. It's not a choice, it's more of a physical reaction. I am scared of hurting/being hurt. I feel like it is a safety mechanism. I take words very personally. I drive people crazy by remembering finite details of conversations forever. I remember every word that has hurt me.

Last year when a customer confronted me at work i argued with her for a moment then my whole body started shaking and i started crying. Right in front of her, in the middle of a busy restaurant. It was humiliating because i knew she was wrong, but i couldn't stand up for myself. My body had a physical reaction that i had no control over.

I have failed at so many relationships because of my inability to express myself verbally. Even at BlogHer conferences over the past four years i have showed up eager to see friends, yet unable to join in on conversations because of a deep fear of saying the wrong thing.

It is easy to be friends on the internet because my words and thoughts flow quite freely through my fingers. I find it easier to be me.

In real life though it is difficult to have communication over a coffee table via instant messaging.