For the past two weeks during counseling i have looked out the window to see a hawk take off from a tree and fly off towards the mountain. The view is stunning - rolling hills and snow capped mountains in the distance. The tree the hawk takes off from stands tall above all the others. When thoughts are swelling in my heart i look out there to gain some composure.
I sit in counseling, my heart pounding loudly in my chest, and my stomach growling loudly and nervously. I sit with my hands in my lap, the fingers of my right hand holding tightly to the skin between my thumb and pointer finger of my left hand. When i feel tears welling up i pinch that skin as hard as i can, trying to create enough pain to distract my mind from the weight in my chest.
Counseling is hard. So hard. I struggle with wanting to shut down, to just walk out, to not show up. Wishing i was that damn hawk flying freely.
Wishing that life was not so damn hard. I don't care who you are or what you have done or suffered - life is hard. It sounds so self-indulgent to say that. But each night as i lay in bed i think "that was a hard day. I wish i could have made it easier. I hope tomorrow will be easier."
I hope that i will make someone laugh, i hope my children will have a good day, i hope i can summon the energy to participate actively in this life, i hope i'm not sad, i hope i'm not lonely, i hope i can have a real conversation, i hope my kids will tell me they love me. I hope.
And i sit in counseling and listen to all the things i need to change in myself or else i will continue to fail. To fail at relationships, to fail at happiness, to fail at life. And i sit there and think i may have failed some people, but i have not failed myself or my children. And i think" how is this helping?" How is this helping me, highlighting the broken.
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Man, life IS hard. Not self-indulgent, just the truth. Peace.
Posted by Jan | March 6, 2009 3:54 PM