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March 16, 2009

it was only a change of plans

bolt

I'm sitting here thinking of all the things that are driving me crazy, lego bits in the laundry, listening to my daughter play mary had a little lamb over and over on the piano, the broken flower pot. But really what's driving me crazy is this limbo my life is in.

Not here, not there.

For months i have been waiting for something to change. Listening over and over to all the ways that i have destroyed something. A heart can only be under attack for so long before it gives up. Packs the bags and moves on.


Posted by drowninginkids at 11:16 AM Permalink

Comments (209)

Sometimes you just have to tell people to back the f*ck up, you know? How long do you let other people beat you up? How long do you beat up yourself. I hate when it comes down to this, when I'm ready to move on but others feel like I haven't been punished enough. I think you've been punished enough, Jess. The question is, do you?

fiona

sometimes things are better left unsaid...that was what I was advised to do when I disclosed personal information to a psychologist when I needed someone to talk to...

she advised me to stop behaving destructively to myself?!..I didnt know what she was talking about, really?!...I was being destructive to myself, wasnt everyone around me doing that very thing?...

as it turned out, she was right and it took me many years to accept myself, with all of my faults and all of my behaviours, OCD and anxiety related, to say "hey...I am here and ok..love me or leave me, but I love me and thats all that matters"...

it was then I realized that I was ok because I said so and not because I was told I had to be....

xo

You are too tender-hearted to take much attack, I think. You seemed so happy and competent and strong when you were on your own, though I know it wasn't easy...I hope you get that back again.

I totally get that feeling. Working through some of that in my own head right now.

I agree with the first commenter. I told my mom to fuck off the other day. I was tired of her criticism. A person can only take so much Jess, and you kick ass. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

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