What a wonderful week. Being, just being, with the kids has been magical and full of tiny little treasures. Moments i will hold close to my heart. Forever.

i promise to keep you in my heart forever.

As always, as humans, i am constantly moved by the passing of time. How we grow and change. How my oldest daughter, at twelve, feels suddenly like an adult beside me. We have the same shoe size and she is in spitting distance of growing taller than me. She is a magical creature. Full of grace and beauty. Understanding and kind. Fiery and ferocious. Precocious and cool. She is everything anybody could ask for in a girl. I am already fighting back the sad that she will probably be gone on to a lifetime of adventure in six short years. God i adore her.

promise me you will have a life full of adventure and love

The kids have been spending a large amount of time with my babysitter. She is an amazing young woman who treats them with respect and love and cares for them so well that i never worry, which is a magical thing. They go to the lake three or four times a day. How lucky we are to live here, to have a beach as close as a frisbee toss. I met them there after work the other night and being in the middle of a heatwave i marched right in the lake in all my work clothes. And they laughed and were full of glee to see me home early and there with them being silly. And parker suddenly knew how to swim. Something he couldn't do one week prior. I was momentarily sad to be missing these events, but so proud of him.

I feel lucky and proud and that my life suddenly, finally has a little magic in it.

i will always be there for each of you. i will see the grace.

This was, hands down, my best BlogHer experience ever.

no links. It's too hard and those of you will know i'm talking about you.

Sure i may have been the drunk girl on one (or two) occasions. And maybe i spent a lot of time alone. But, i also spent so many hours with great people it totally blew my mind. Really.

Did i mention it took me 16 hours to get home? And that, upon arrival, i slept three hours before rushing to pick up my kids? and i also broke into tears in the chicago o'hare airport when they canceled my flight and said i wouldn't be home till the next day.

I went to one panel that inspired me and gave me magic. I went to the community keynote which was more than worth the price of admission.

As an aside, as i type this i have every light in my house turned off and all the doors and windows open. It is hotter than hell here. And the only light the million bugs in my house are attracted to is my monitor. So, as i sit and try to put in words the amazing time i had i am being attacked by hundreds of bugs.

What i really took away was inspiration. I am so inspired.

I listened to someone talk of the magic that was happening at the conference and i talked to someone else about how much power we have and how we are missing it. That there must be a better way to go about it. We are so powerful. I realized that.

It had nothing to do with free shit, or recycling being thrown in the garbage, or walmart and pepsico. It was us. We are powerhouses. We do not need to sell a whole day of our website for a book, or a game, or a fucking girdle. Go out and buy those things. Buy them in your community, you'll do a lot more for your immediate wellness that way.

Instead, become writers. Become storytellers. Your story is amazing and beautiful and inspires. Strive to inspire.

I was so thrilled that so many people came up and talked to me and said they loved my writing, my photos. I loved it. I was thrilled. This is work. This is my passion.

And i will name one name, those women who created blogher are amazing. They inspire.

So, anyway, i have this story to tell. It really has nothing to do with anything. But it's my story.

On saturday night as everything was winding down, it must have been 2am or later. I suddenly missed my kids. A heart-hurting miss. And i panicked. My first anxiety of the whole weekend.

Oh my god, i'm never going to get home.

And somehow i was without shoes or my purse. And i freaked out. Freaked out. I am never going home, my credit cards, my passport gone. I longed to be on a plane. On my way with all the grumpy people looking towards home and the hours to endure between then and now.

I wandered back to all the places i had been. All the parties. What was that suite number? I called the police. I texted everyone.

thank you for the business card. thank you for the quiet conversation. thank you for traveling from paris. thank you for baby ezra. thank you for inviting me to the party on walnut street. thank you for taking me to bed. thank you for that quiet chat in your room. thank you for being quiet in the morning. thank you for lunch and dinner in restaurants. thank you for being my "go to" person. thank you for spending so much time with me. thank you for hanging out in robes. thank you for that swag free party. thank you for your tattoo because it made me realize i didn't need one because you have it. thank you for being awesome in the vancouver airport.

And i gave up all hope. I was never going to see my kids again. I went up to the room and demanded wine. And we sat and chatted. It was 4am or later, i think. And then i looked at the foot of my bed and said "there's my shoes!"

1. schmutzie and the palinode as roommates.

2. meeting and falling in love with amy turn sharp.

3. being inspired by a great panel on storytelling.

4. the whole damn weekend.

5. no drama at all.

I have had a great few days. A great few days that have left me on the verge of total exhaustion.

In preparation for taking off for chicago sometime in the next 36 hours i have been working a lot. A LOT. And i will work even more when i get back to make up for missing three shifts at work in the middle of the very busiest time of year. A time when we are NOT allowed to take time off.

Luckily for me i have a co-worker who happens to be one of my very best friends and understand how it is important for me to take off to this crazy conference that i can't afford so that i can feel a little bit more connected to this crazy internet life i have created. We have been planning how we will pull this off since i bought my tickets in january and low and behold the time is now and we worked it out and she is working a crazy week so that i may go and have some fun.

So, back to the good week i have had. I finished work extra early on friday night and headed into town and watched an open air concert, enjoyed some sushi with a cute and good person, had some beers with some other cute and good people and finished the night off with some tequila shooters that i probably should have avoided as i was spotted by a co-worker stumbling along the city streets at two in the morning.

Then on saturday the kids and i swam in the river which was incredible. Amidst hundreds of tubers we swam up current and floated back down. Magical.

Then! Last night at work my boss/owner of the restaurant called me in the middle of work and thanked me for my hard work and all the extra things i do and told me to take any bottle of wine i wanted. Any bottle. At first i wasn't going to take one because i was so happy just to get the appreciation. But then, any bottle? Really. It took me a whole day to decide and tonight i brought home a lovely italian wine that i have never tried and i put it up on my shelf. I am going to save that wine for the first time i cook dinner in my new home. My own home. I may have dinner with my kids or, hopefully, i will have someone special to share it with.

See you in chicago.

1. coming home from work at 11pm to find all my kids awake because "they wouldn't stop reading."

2. the resulting sleep-in until 9:30.

3. busy, busy nights at work spent talking to people from all over the world.

4. beet salad made exclusively from my own garden.

5. watching a mother and two baby deer relaxing in the backyard at 1am.

Thinking back over this past year fills me with such depths of emotion. The thrill, returning from BlogHer last year and knowing that i was ready to try and rekindle my marriage, kickstart an epic romance.

And when we did that dance of "should i shouldn't i" we found ourselves sitting face to face on the balcony late at night. We poured out or souls to each other. All of the regrets. All of the apologies. We held each others hands and committed to our best shot. Toasted to the promises that we made each other in 1995 on our wedding day.

A few days later i posted an infamous post on twitter "yo, married again." And we were greeted with thunderous applause. Everywhere we went people congratulated us, were genuinely happy to see a family reconnected.

But quickly, too quickly it started to change. The love changed. As i watched each leaf fall from the trees last autumn i felt like little bits of hope were dropping from my life. Doubt turned to fear and fear turned to anger. By christmas we were living as roommates, almost as strangers. I would look at him across the table in the morning, at dinner, at counseling and wonder "who is this man?"

The love we had, the love we hoped for, the love we wanted seemed beyond fingers reach.

And suddenly i realize i am going to BlogHer again in one short week. And i am not married again.

I sit outside and listen to a large party happening across the way. Across the field. I can hear music and people laughing. And i think if i stretch my ear just right i can hear barefooted children running about and reveling in the intoxication of adult parties and being out in the dark of night.

At first the sounds of summer at the lake make me smile. Then as i sit and sip my wine and find myself all alone and i imagine those kids and those families it all rushes in. It rushes as it wants to do.

The things i have lost, the things i have never had, the things i may never do.

For the most part it easy to be strong. It's a walking with blinders. A focus on the road ahead, not the road left behind. A parent, a home, a job. Perhaps some idle thoughts on love and careers and lost book deals and missed opportunity.

But there are these nights where i miss my children so much. It's like a gaping hole in my abdomen. Those parts of me that grew babies and loved them and gave them everything is gone. Those pieces of me go with them when they sleep in other places. Sometimes these nights are unbearable and i wander and i turn up the sad songs. I want to talk to someone but there is nobody there.

I always arrive exactly on the dot of the time i said i would when it is time to pick them up. And we come home and the house fills with their endless chatter. And the ground echoes as their grubby summer feet run in and out of rooms and grass and gardens. And once again i feel whole and strong.

I don't know where to start. It's been a ten days.

So, i'm trying to buy this house and it has involved many complications that one would expect buying a house that was built in the 1800's. Yes. It is that old. I have vibrated from love to hate one thousand times a day on this house. People say buy it. People say it is worthless.

This is my home. I feel it in my bones when i walk in the door. I feel it in the paintings. I feel it in the children that have grown up here. This will be my home. I will grow old and die here.

At the end of the day, i know i love it. It is me and i am so comfortable with old homes, none of the fear even bothers me. What bothers me? The lot size. I only have twelve years of child support. I got no compensation for my half of the family business. I can't be a waitress in twelve years; even though it is a 25 year mortgage. All the things the bank keeps coming back at me with.

Whatever. Can't they see my potential? Simple answer, no. I gave all that up. I gave up my potential to have children. To have a family. I didn't expect to be completely alone for ten years of my life raising four children. And i bailed. In a hurtful, horrible way. I bailed.

Whatever. I am at this pissed off stage right now.

I was at the dentist today. The first time in ten years. I've been busy okay. No cavities! But, he turned to me and asked what could cause this "event" in my mouth. I didn't know. I asked drinking wine? Smoking? (sorry) "No, you're too young" "I've never seen anything like this in someone so young."

And he referred me to two second opinions. One a cancer doctor and one, i dunno, something else. I lost all thought at that moment. There cannot be something wrong with me as horrible as mouth cancer. Oh please no. I keep saying it is nothing, but how did i not notice that? in my mouth? under my tongue? oh god, fuck, please let it be nothing.

I am tired of accepting all the blame. Oh i could tell you stories. But i choose not to.

Whatever. Can you smell her perfume?

Why hello. I am going a little crazy trying to buy this house and get a bunch of freelance work done, as well as, you know, job and kids.

Give me one more day and i'll be back unless i self-implode first.

1. community celebrations where i realize how many people i know and how thankful i am that my job has made me part of the community.

2. living in a country where we enjoy food and water at reasonable cost.

3. living in a place where my kids are safe.

4. living in a country where we can still make fun of ourselves.

5. customers wishing me "happy independence day!"

Seriously, i feel among the luckiest people in the world to be born into such abundance. I am proud to be canadian and plan on telling my kids every single day how lucky we are.