i feel so well, oh well

I don't know where to start. It's been a ten days.

So, i'm trying to buy this house and it has involved many complications that one would expect buying a house that was built in the 1800's. Yes. It is that old. I have vibrated from love to hate one thousand times a day on this house. People say buy it. People say it is worthless.

This is my home. I feel it in my bones when i walk in the door. I feel it in the paintings. I feel it in the children that have grown up here. This will be my home. I will grow old and die here.

At the end of the day, i know i love it. It is me and i am so comfortable with old homes, none of the fear even bothers me. What bothers me? The lot size. I only have twelve years of child support. I got no compensation for my half of the family business. I can't be a waitress in twelve years; even though it is a 25 year mortgage. All the things the bank keeps coming back at me with.

Whatever. Can't they see my potential? Simple answer, no. I gave all that up. I gave up my potential to have children. To have a family. I didn't expect to be completely alone for ten years of my life raising four children. And i bailed. In a hurtful, horrible way. I bailed.

Whatever. I am at this pissed off stage right now.

I was at the dentist today. The first time in ten years. I've been busy okay. No cavities! But, he turned to me and asked what could cause this "event" in my mouth. I didn't know. I asked drinking wine? Smoking? (sorry) "No, you're too young" "I've never seen anything like this in someone so young."

And he referred me to two second opinions. One a cancer doctor and one, i dunno, something else. I lost all thought at that moment. There cannot be something wrong with me as horrible as mouth cancer. Oh please no. I keep saying it is nothing, but how did i not notice that? in my mouth? under my tongue? oh god, fuck, please let it be nothing.

I am tired of accepting all the blame. Oh i could tell you stories. But i choose not to.

Whatever. Can you smell her perfume?