I finally feel organized. Money sorted out, appointments made, house clean, children happy.

And now it is my time. Time for me to become the person i want to be. Time to continue on my goal of challenging myself.

I have signed up for Mondo Beyondo in october. It's a nice, small step for me. I don't have to actually *see or talk* to anybody in person. I can't challenge myself too much all at once.

I also signed myself up for bookcamp in vancouver. Bookcamp happens to take place the day after my birthday, so it is my gift to myself.

I have this book rumbling through my heart and body. It has been knocking around in there for over a year and this is the year i'm going to spill it out onto page and paper.

Putting this all out there to create a little pressure for myself.

xo

I woke up early this morning and quietly shut bedroom doors to sleeping babies as i crept downstairs to light a fire and put on the coffee.

Shuffling around on cold wood floors, waiting for coffee to brew, listening to the cedar spit and crack. It feels like autumn this morning. Another change. I can hardly wait to put on my boots and wrap scarves around my neck.

Listening to Monsters of Folk echo off all the closed doors. I wander down to the dock, coffee steaming, fuzzy boots warming my bare toes.

The mist over the lake is magical this morning. The house is quiet behind me. Whose dog was that howling and barking over the lake in the middle of the night?

I want to sit in a cabin, all alone, with my thoughts. sit and listen to them until this all makes sense.

This house is beautiful. i can't shake the feeling of not having a home. i long for my things. i miss my desk. i miss my bed. i miss a house that feels like home.

I have listened to the new Lou Barlow album streaming on NPR all day.

I have thought of my old friend Scott W. Gray. A boy i knew in college and have lost contact with, save for one middle of the night drunken phone call three years ago, sorry about that. I remember the first time depression seriously fucked up my life in 1994. We were both dj's at CFUV, the university of victoria radio station and he called me into one of the listening booths when the new sebadoh 7inch came in. "you have to listen to this." and i sat in fluorescent lights and broke down in hysterical sobs to this song.

And i have listened to that song over and over, over and over these past few years.

So, today i listened to his new album which is beautiful and perfect. And reminds me of those 13 years, or 14, or 15.

my beautiful friend

I wanted to write about sitting on my porch yesterday afternoon and eavesdropping on the girls sitting out on the dock, sharing secrets like sisters sometimes do. And the joy i felt witnessing this coming together. Their windswept hair and freckles in the autumn breeze, daring each other into one last swim.

And then, today, the music took over my mind. and i'm lost in it again.

fear of heights conquered! from jess howard on Vimeo.

Yesterday parker turned six years old.

He is my baby and he is so far from being a baby anymore.

Parker has really matured over the summer. His inner battle with anger and frustration has eased and as a result he is an even bigger joy to be around. I think this is mostly due to his maturing and developing and refining his skills and coordination. He can keep up with his brother and sisters now, even in verbal attacks on each other.

He has thrown out more than a few f-bombs in the past few months and his favourite "stupid-head" lingers on, but overall his anger is fast and furious now and he is able to move on quickly. Anger is fine, it's normal and given all the change in his life in the past two years i would expect him to have anger. It's when it lasts for hours and involves punching me that i object.

Starting grade one was a huge step for parker and he did it with enthusiasm and grace. Each afternoon when i pick him up he looks up from his place on the carpet and his face lights up and he grins so big, a mixture of pride and love radiating from him. I miss him madly during the day, but seeing him running around with friends and engaging in the classroom makes it a little easier.

Parker is by far my most affectionate child. He is full of hugs and kisses. Tightly puckered, full on "MWAH" kisses right on the lips. I just adore him.

I am still lucky enough to have him sneak into bed beside me a few nights a week. He always sleeps with one hand touching me on the arm, the same way he has done since he was a newborn. Of all the choices i made about parenting all those years ago co-sleeping was the best one for all of us, it has created a unique closeness that is so hard to describe.

Anyway, i love that little guy. Happy birthday parker!

This week marks the first time i have all of my kids in school full time. I have about five hours alone. Every single day.

I am finding myself lost in this time. Unsure of what to do with myself. I clean. I do laundry. I even turned on the tv this morning and watched a few minutes of "The View" (totally do not 'get' tv). Bored after a couple minutes i turned it back off.

Even the computer is boring me.

I think i'm having trouble trying to figure out what i am supposed to do with time. I need to write a list. A list of thing to do, things to do for me. My new camera is not here yet, but i know that will take up some fun time and hopefully inspire me to start that new project i have been wanting to do.

I need to get past this missing of little voices in the house. I need to enjoy the silence. Sit and listen to what is happening in my head.

via the inspiring superhero journal

Birds on the Wires from Jarbas Agnelli on Vimeo.

Reading a newspaper, I saw a picture of birds on the electric wires. I cut out the photo and decided to make a song, using the exact location of the birds as notes (no Photoshop edit). I knew it wasn't the most original idea in the universe. I was just curious to hear what melody the birds were creating. Jarbas Agnelli

have a great one! i know we will.

The first week of school is wrapping up. We have started a new custody schedule with the kids. I now get to have them on all my nights off and one work night, which means a babysitter only once a week. I'm really excited about it.

I also pick them up from school every day, so not a day will go by that i don't see them. Perfect.

Parker has started grade one and it's been tough on me not to have a little buddy around for most of the day. Another strange and sad step in parenting. He is totally ready for this major change, he loves being around his friends all day and hanging out with toby and eliza at recess.

Things are coming together for the kids and i am so thankful for that. And i get to have them all weekend and i'm not working. Tonight calls for movies and yummy food and a family sleepover in the living room.

tell me does this mean you're moving on

this morning i sat outside a coffee shop across the street from my house, the burnt house (that's what we call it to differentiate from "new rental" and "old rental"), i watched as all the trucks rolled in for another day of work. stripping the house down to it's bones. before the floor was put back on over the new foundation we found a cat skeleton. all fangs and ominousness.

from the balcony you call my name

i was sitting with my ex-husband, feeling distracted from conversation by the sounds of power tools and wood ripping free of nails. thinking about the strange irony i felt talking about divorce papers in the midst of my stalled future home.

i get the strangest looks from that bitchy crowd

i saw a lawyer the other day to go over a separation agreement i stupidly signed two years ago without getting legal advice. it's not that i am unhappy with how we divided our assets, i just felt that i needed someone to tell me what my gut already knew. knew that divorce, even in the best of circumstances, is a messy thing. no matter how we form the words into legal jargon, someone is going to get hurt. someone is going to feel taken advantage of, but, it needs to be done. we need to wrap it all up into a tidy manila envelope that we file away amongst mortgages and wills.

does this mean you're moving on

there comes a time, a morning you wake up and know it is time to move on. time to let go of all that love and anger. tuck all those memories of a life lived into your heart, somewhere safe and warm. somewhere you can let all the good parts trickle into memory and the bad things fade away.

*thank you Airborne Toxic Event for the music that has filled my heart these past few months.

I had the best weekend. The way friendship can wrap you up and make you feel whole again. The way you can say and do anything. And laughter. The laughter is still ringing in my ears and making me happy.

My friend christle and i wound our way down to the city to meet up with andrea and a friend of hers for an amazing dinner. We talked and ate and ate some more and did it all with wine pairings and muscat and herbal tobacco. It was decadent and silly. Andrea and i have been friends in the computer for years, but have never met in person though all signs pointed to us being fast friends. And we were.

After dinner we wandered over to the theatre to see band of horses who i fully admit to being my biggest crush in the world. They are so lovely and fill my heart with happiness every single time i see them live.

Andrea and i hung out in the lobby during the first band and spoke of love and loss and new happiness that is coming and is here.

As christle and i wound our way back up the highway i laughed and told her "this is what i do and i'm going to do it for you." And i put fleetwood mac "rumours" on and sung my heart out all the way home. It was so silly and funny and i did it unabashedly. because some things you can do in front of friends.

stolen over me

i feel sad. i am sad for my house i lost.

silver lining

your presence always brings me round

it changed so many things. a path.

really, i still can't talk about it. it makes me cry and i try to be strong.

we went this afternoon, the house all tented and tarped because of asbestos. completely gutted. nothing left but pillars and posts. a ghost in my house.

and i sleep in a bed that is not mine, and sheets that are not mine. and eliza cries because she has nothing of hers, not even the dogs. it makes me sad.

all i have lost.

and to each detail raise my hand

I can't believe that summer vacation is almost over. The last two weeks have been more like a nightmare and a lot less like a holiday.

Of all the skills i possess, organization would rank somewhere near tidy at the bottom of the list. Packing up all of our stuff to be delivered to a storage locker and a new rental house in the span of three days, while working and dealing with fire chiefs and insurance adjusters and a multitude of other professionals, has thrown into light all the ways my brain was not functioning well last week. Somewhere deep in a storage locker is the charger for my camera, a paycheque, my coffee grinder and two cupboards worth of dry good foodstuffs. Oh, and all, save for one, of my white work shirts. I'm sure as days go by we will figure out everything else that went to the storage locker instead of with us.

With school starting on tuesday we have begun the arduous process of purchasing new clothes for my children who grew several inches in the summer sun. Yesterday i took tristan shopping at my favourite store. I wanted to see if she would fit in ladies sizes. We came home with two pairs of skinny jeans and an authentic "bella" jacket for her.

I can't believe how fast she is growing. The changes from 11-12 have been more astounding to watch than 0-2 were. Soon we will be sharing clothes.

The other night we watched a movie in bed together while the rest of the house slept. We didn't talk much, but it was a great bonding moment for us. I would happily hang out with her all the time. She is such an amazing girl.