I am coming back for you, leave the house after supper
meet me at Low Gap, I will come with two horses, one in each
hand, they will be striped with darkness and the shadow
of deep wells.
"The Jesse James Poems" Paulette Jiles
The one thing i fail to learn, year in, year out, is that expectations will get you nothing. Expectations will give you sleepless nights and stomach aches, longing and doubt, disappointment.
My birthday weekend turned out to be full of antibiotics and changes of plans and making do with what was on hand.
The kids and i had a great time together, which at the end of the day when i look in my heart and think of what i truly want - it is special moments and memories with them. We played laser tag and hung out with family. I was a little off because of a nasty infection, but my sister, the doctor, quickly sorted me out. I was a little off because i had expected to see friends and have some time to myself and my dreams. I was a little off.
The kids mirrored my mood, my mood swings. We all swung high to low, glee to anger. It was a challenging weekend. I have to remind myself that holidays are especially difficult for them. We are not together as a nuclear family, we are together as a new family. Post-nuclear.
I have to learn to limit my expectations to what they can handle, what is best for them. Save my dreaming for my time without them.
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