It's not vitamins. Vitamins can't fix a life.
Mondays are my very favourite day of the week. Well mondays and fridays. On monday and friday i don't work and i have the kids.
We have a very unusual custody schedule that involves plenty of back and forth. It allows me to spend both my nights off with them and means they only have a babysitter one or two nights a week. It also means i get to see them every single day as i do all the school picking up/driving maintenance stuff.
On mondays and fridays i make elaborate meals, catch up on school work and plan something fun for us to do.
Wednesday, thursday and sunday nights are my least favourite times because i don't have the kids. The house is empty, cold and lonely without them.
So, today was monday. The kids are all asleep and i do what i always do - wait till they are all sleeping and then poke around the house in and out of their rooms. Feeling foreheads, kissing noses and picking up stray lego bits.
It's funny, when they are not here i don't do anything around the house. I don't cook or clean. I don't even go in the kitchen. I work, i sleep and i sit in bed with my laptop. It's a waiting. A waiting for my family.
This past month has been a crazy one. Tons of working and not much else. Well, sadness and anxiety and worry.
I am feeling better today. I had some sort of epiphany over the weekend. Realized what was important and what was causing me stress. How i want my life to look and the hard steps i need to take to get there.
Most importantly i want to be happy and healthy.
I am not very healthy right now. I have a terrible diet. I even went more than a few days without eating this past month. That was my first clue that my life was reaching toxic levels in terms of my mental health. Waking up in the morning feeling completely depleted, realizing that i hadn't eaten the previous day. I wanted to eat, but thinking about it was overwhelming. Cooking was out of reach. Restaurants suck when you spend most of your time in one.
So, today i ate. I ate a lovely meal with my children. I ate lunch too.
I have also been feeding a sort of manic impulse to be bad. Not that bad. More of a fueling of pre-divorce rage. Raging against the dying of the night. Or something like that. Staying up too late. Hanging out with the wrong people.
All of this to say i am doing better. As for my mouth i have an appointment january 7th in vancouver where i shall get part of me cut out and examined and hopefully be on the road to a healthy body without cancer cells in it.
In between then i intend to have a mighty chawesome holiday season. Thanks to Jeremy for my new favourite word.
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