I have read many posts from people expressing their anger with 2009. It seems it was a year of suck for many people. One week ago i would have said the same thing, but i have been reminiscing and looking back over the past ten days and have decided that many good things happened in 2009 and i am going to quietly shut it's door with gratitude.

Not gratitude that it is over, but thank it for teaching me and allowing me to experience a year in a life with all of it's highs and lows.

2009 was a good year and 2010 will be too.

2009 thank you for:

~ Four great concerts, Wintersleep, The Killers, Kings of Leon and Band of Horses. Four nights that i went out with my closest friend, had a great dinner and a ton of fun.

~ Four healthy, happy, beautiful children.

~ Never spending a night in the hospital - any of us.

~ For my little corner of the internet. We turned a profit without ever taking a single thing for free or compromising our beliefs. - five years worth of my life, dirt and all.

~ Buying a new car, all by myself.

~ Buying a house, all by myself. Single mom and waitress. It will always be one of my proudest, personal, moments.

~ Living this year honestly. I had some great moments of family, adventure, friends and love.

~ All of you. You mean the world to me and have helped me get through some dark and lonely days.

I owe you all an apology. I am sorry.

I also owe you a thank-you. Thank-you from the bottom of my heart.

On saturday night i sent out a message on Twitter asking for help. It came out of the blue and was probably unexpected and scary. It was scary for me. I owe you an explanation.

As you all know i have had my problems with depression and anxiety. I was diagnosed as bi-polar in 2006. I was even hospitalized. I have been mostly better since then. I have had my struggles. I have had both joy and sadness in my life in all their intensities.

This has been a very difficult year for me. The end of a marriage, coping with being single and a single mom, buying a house and having it burn down and then having a diagnosis of cancer in my mouth.

All the stress has been rushing at me.

In the past month or two i have been slowly losing my grasp on reality. My heart has been slowly tightening and i have been pushing people out of my life. It is what i do. I push away and pull into myself. The push me/pull me of depression. Walking through my days in a haze, masterfully putting on my exterior mask of "just fine."

And i guess it wasn't okay. I wasn't okay. I was coping by occupying my time with kids and work. Avoiding being alone. I never wanted to be alone. Alone is when the heart crushing sadness took over.

On saturday night i was meant to work. I had the kids at their dads house. I had made no plans.

I had made no plans.

Then i got called off work. I knew, i felt it deep in my soul that this was not going to be a good night. This is when, if i was a reasonable person, this is when i should have called for help.

Instead i locked myself inside my house and a deep mania took hold of me. To the outside world all was fine. I watched a movie. I spoke on the phone with my ex-husband (shane). I downloaded some music. Then i spoke with shane again, sometime around midnight. We had a fight. I was hurt. I felt intensely guilty. Ashamed of who i was. Who i had become. How it had all slipped away and here i was alone, slightly drunk and desperately sad in my room on a saturday night.

I went in the bathroom and took a handful of sleeping pills. I didn't even think about it.

I didn't even think about it.

Then i looked in the mirror and asked myself "is this what you really want?"

"no."

That was when i turned around and took the rest of them. They went down in a chalky, messy choke. The power and speed in which those drugs overtook me was intense. I went back to my room and grabbed my phone and it was out of batteries. That is when i turned to Twitter. And i'm not sorry i did.

As i fell into unconsciousness i truly thought i was going to die. In a split second a flurry of thoughts went through my head.

you are a fucking idiot
look what you have done
people will be mad
my kids
my kids
my kids
it doesn't hurt right now
you're an idiot

This is when the internet saved my life. It sounds dramatic. It sounds silly even. I know that many people have judged me over the past few days. I have heard and read what you have said. Part of me agrees. But, truth be told, i reached out to my friends. The people who have stood by me through thick and thin. Have been there to listen to me cry through words and keystrokes.

The following 48 hours are a blur of sleep and love. Shane came and got me and swept me into his home, our old home, our family home. He held me while i slept it all away in the quiet sleep of a heart repairing, a mind preparing to come back and fight. It was the most intensely i have felt cared for and loved in a long, long time.

And then i opened my computer. And there it was. Hundreds, hundreds, of letters and messages from people worried about me. Instead of guilty i felt cherish. I cherish each and every one of you that sent me thoughts. I cannot even begin to respond to all of you and i am still not ready to talk on the phone.

But, please know, i heard it all and i am so thankful.

Thank you.

jess

Have you ever sat, sad and lonely, tried to masturbate, only to find yourself crying?

I do that all the time.

Have you ever sat by the fire watching a family movie, only to find yourself alone?

I do that all the time.

Have you ever sat in a restaurant eating lunch by yourself because you have no friends?

I do that all the time.

Have you ever sent text messages to find nobody responds?

I do that all the time.

Have you ever slept in an empty house with four empty beds where your kids should be?

I do that all the time.

Have you ever been really lonely?

I do that all the time.

I know when you have a girlfriend because you are wearing yesterdays wrinkled clothes.

And you are not aggressive with me.

Our brand new tent that packaged us on our camping trip to Tofino. It was our first trip there as a family and it was amazing.

I know you've got a heavy heart. I can feel it when we kiss.

I feel like nothing. People ask me how i am and all i can do is shrug and say "you know, just fine." That's the best answer i can come up with. Just fine.

I live a great life in a great place. I have children who are healthy and happy. I have a job. I have half a home that will soon be a brand new whole home.

It's just not enough. I keep thinking there must be something more. There must be something i am missing. Some ingredient for joy, some neuron that i just don't have.

I don't remember the last time i felt happy.

so many men stronger than me have thrown their backs out trying to lift it

I don't remember the last time i felt happy. How pathetic it sounds to even say that.

It just seems so easy for some people to be happy. I actually feel angry just being around them. What secret do they have. How can i get some.

When everything is lonely i can be my own best friend

I know what i am missing. I am missing companionship. I am missing coming home to someone who loves me. Who cares about the boring details of my day. Of my life.

Someone who can help me pick out paint colours and fold laundry and share a pot of tea with.

Someone who can look at me and know that i need a hug.

No matter how much i love my kids and spending time with them. No matter how much they enrich my life. No matter. It's just not enough.

I've been in a blank space in my head when it comes to writing. Stuck again in that rut of too much to say and no privacy with which to say it.

The problem with this public forum is the absolute publicness of it. It's not that i want to hide anything, it's the not wanting to hurt anyone.

As my life becomes more my own i find myself coming to an understanding of the past two years.

I have realized in the past few weeks i don't need your forgiveness. or yours. or yours.

I need to forgive myself. Something i am close to doing.

In my life i have never really been single. I have jumped from one relationship to another, often before the other was over. I emotionally detach and throw my heart into something else. It may be a new lover, it may be an unavailable crush, it may be an activity, it may be children, it may be sadness or longing.

I have never sat in a place where i am happy to just be me. Me without any ties to something that i need acknowledgement or recognition from. Even here. I have, at times, written with the express intent for a reaction.

That is not an honest place to be writing from.

The strongest words i have ever said have come straight from the heart without care or expectation.

e

We went to the christmas tree farm this afternoon. After wandering around in the freezing cold all five of us magically agreed on the same tree. It was a christmas miracle.

We picked a tree that seemed reasonable in height and girth. Toby was the master of the saw and laid on the cold wet ground and sawed his little heart out. Tristan and toby carried the tree all the way back to the car while parker, eliza and i goofed around.

We managed to get the tree on top of my car and then in the house. I'm always a little proud of myself when i get something like this done. Nothing is that difficult, just ominous - especially when you are used to things happening with another adult around.

We did learn one valuable lesson which i think the christmas tree farm would be prudent to post somewhere, the lesson? Trees look much smaller outside than they actually will be when you get them inside your house and discover you are going to have to completely rearrange your furniture and possibly give up an entire room for said tree to fit in.

We also decorated the tree without any battle or controlling behavior on anybody's part. It was a great day.

This one is hard for me as i spend most of my waking hours working in a restaurant. I had a few really great meals out this year; including a mind-blowing indian meal in Chi-town with Schmutzie, The Palinode, Jennui and LetterB. But, it is hard to really enjoy the experience for me because i am so busy focusing on everything that is going on around me - how the customers are responding to the food, the atmosphere, the service - that i can't really sit back and relax. Kind of like buying a car when you're in sales or going to emergency when you're a doctor, but not really.

Anyway, my best restaurant experience was sitting at that bar, many late nights, after the restaurant had shut down and talking for hours with some amazing people. Accepting advice, good and bad. Laughing till i choke. And, sometimes, crying.

It was another great year at the restaurant and for that i am grateful because it is the one constant in my life.

Because this has been a year of many difficult events in my life i am going to throw caution to the wind this holiday season and focus on the best things about 2009. GwenBell is doing a blog challenge called "The Best of 2009." I am going to do my best to do every single one of them.

December 1st, 2009 - What was your best trip of the year?

I don't travel very much. I don't have the time or money. I would love to travel more and i plan to one day.

This year i visited many local spots - Tofino, Sechelt, Vancouver (several times), Parksville and Tofino again, but in the summer.

I also flew to Chicago for BlogHer. I love Chicago.

The best trip i had was to the beach, by myself, when i needed to catch my breath. It was late august and the magnitude of my house fire was hurting my soul. I wandered down with a London Fog and my camera. I sat on the rocks and watched the sun setting over SaltSpring Island. I lined up some stones, one for each difficult thing i was facing - a broken heart, a worry about my children, health, companionship, anxiety, stress - and i tossed them in the ocean. Closing my eyes and imagining something different, something better.

A new house, health, companionship, a heart that soars.

And for a while, even after the sun had gone down, i felt at peace with myself and brave and strong.