hope bombs

You throw hope up in the air and wish for it to find you. To find everyone.

If i take myself as a single entity, just me, hope is really all i have left.

Sometimes, like this morning, we have these nice conversations. Checking in, updates on children and legal papers, and we end up chatting for twenty minutes. It gives me hope that things are working out as they should.

It also makes me so sad. I miss him in those moments. Someone who listens to my brain dumps, offers good advice and understands. Gets it. Gets me.

One stupid decision and two lives are changed forever.

I hope that someone will find me. Someone will love me. Someone will understand.

I'm done with this sadness, this self-pity. It gets me nowhere. I want to rush at life, i want to get dirty, i want to stub my toe on the steps because i am running up them too fast.

I want to be scared, to feel the sting of rejection and then kick it in the shins, shove it to the ground and run away laughing.

I want to jump in the river, feel the shock of coldness and the strength of the undertow. Let it race me towards the ocean and drag myself up the rocky shore and fall in a heap of exhaustion.

I want to sit too close to the fire, let the sparks jump on me and slap them away before i get burned.