You throw hope up in the air and wish for it to find you. To find everyone.

If i take myself as a single entity, just me, hope is really all i have left.

Sometimes, like this morning, we have these nice conversations. Checking in, updates on children and legal papers, and we end up chatting for twenty minutes. It gives me hope that things are working out as they should.

It also makes me so sad. I miss him in those moments. Someone who listens to my brain dumps, offers good advice and understands. Gets it. Gets me.

One stupid decision and two lives are changed forever.

I hope that someone will find me. Someone will love me. Someone will understand.

I'm done with this sadness, this self-pity. It gets me nowhere. I want to rush at life, i want to get dirty, i want to stub my toe on the steps because i am running up them too fast.

I want to be scared, to feel the sting of rejection and then kick it in the shins, shove it to the ground and run away laughing.

I want to jump in the river, feel the shock of coldness and the strength of the undertow. Let it race me towards the ocean and drag myself up the rocky shore and fall in a heap of exhaustion.

I want to sit too close to the fire, let the sparks jump on me and slap them away before i get burned.

Did i tell you i was going to Baltimore? To visit this lovely lady and her beau?

Yes? No?

Well, i'm not going now. I will go, in april. Just not now.

Things have been all wiggly around here. I mean, i love my home. Love it, capital l, love. But, it has cost me way more than i had anticipated - which is all fine and good - just emptied out the savings and credit cards and all that.

The wiggly part is the kids. They are very happy in this house, but at the same time unsettled. It comes out in anger mostly. Anger directed at me. And, oh, it's tiring and heartbreaking. Parker lashes out at me all the time calling me and "idiot" and other harshities. I try and keep my head about me, remind myself he is only six. Have consistent consequences for bad behaviour. But when he is yelling at me and toby is moping and eliza is being stubborn - all at the same time - i feel like flopping on my bed and crying. Big sloppy tears of frustration and sadness and isolation.

So yes. I can't leave them right now. No matter how i'd like to. How i'd love the escape to snowy baltimore and friends, but as tracey said, i need it to be an escape, a holiday. Not something stressful.

I have read many posts from people expressing their anger with 2009. It seems it was a year of suck for many people. One week ago i would have said the same thing, but i have been reminiscing and looking back over the past ten days and have decided that many good things happened in 2009 and i am going to quietly shut it's door with gratitude.

Not gratitude that it is over, but thank it for teaching me and allowing me to experience a year in a life with all of it's highs and lows.

2009 was a good year and 2010 will be too.

2009 thank you for:

~ Four great concerts, Wintersleep, The Killers, Kings of Leon and Band of Horses. Four nights that i went out with my closest friend, had a great dinner and a ton of fun.

~ Four healthy, happy, beautiful children.

~ Never spending a night in the hospital - any of us.

~ For my little corner of the internet. We turned a profit without ever taking a single thing for free or compromising our beliefs. - five years worth of my life, dirt and all.

~ Buying a new car, all by myself.

~ Buying a house, all by myself. Single mom and waitress. It will always be one of my proudest, personal, moments.

~ Living this year honestly. I had some great moments of family, adventure, friends and love.

~ All of you. You mean the world to me and have helped me get through some dark and lonely days.

Our brand new tent that packaged us on our camping trip to Tofino. It was our first trip there as a family and it was amazing.

This one is hard for me as i spend most of my waking hours working in a restaurant. I had a few really great meals out this year; including a mind-blowing indian meal in Chi-town with Schmutzie, The Palinode, Jennui and LetterB. But, it is hard to really enjoy the experience for me because i am so busy focusing on everything that is going on around me - how the customers are responding to the food, the atmosphere, the service - that i can't really sit back and relax. Kind of like buying a car when you're in sales or going to emergency when you're a doctor, but not really.

Anyway, my best restaurant experience was sitting at that bar, many late nights, after the restaurant had shut down and talking for hours with some amazing people. Accepting advice, good and bad. Laughing till i choke. And, sometimes, crying.

It was another great year at the restaurant and for that i am grateful because it is the one constant in my life.

Because this has been a year of many difficult events in my life i am going to throw caution to the wind this holiday season and focus on the best things about 2009. GwenBell is doing a blog challenge called "The Best of 2009." I am going to do my best to do every single one of them.

December 1st, 2009 - What was your best trip of the year?

I don't travel very much. I don't have the time or money. I would love to travel more and i plan to one day.

This year i visited many local spots - Tofino, Sechelt, Vancouver (several times), Parksville and Tofino again, but in the summer.

I also flew to Chicago for BlogHer. I love Chicago.

The best trip i had was to the beach, by myself, when i needed to catch my breath. It was late august and the magnitude of my house fire was hurting my soul. I wandered down with a London Fog and my camera. I sat on the rocks and watched the sun setting over SaltSpring Island. I lined up some stones, one for each difficult thing i was facing - a broken heart, a worry about my children, health, companionship, anxiety, stress - and i tossed them in the ocean. Closing my eyes and imagining something different, something better.

A new house, health, companionship, a heart that soars.

And for a while, even after the sun had gone down, i felt at peace with myself and brave and strong.

Neil is brilliant. He is a master of getting people to his blog. He is funny and charming on twitter. He writes and links to lots of people. He starts small little scurries of opinion. All of it makes him someone that everybody knows. I do know him, i spent a few hours hanging out with him in Chicago last summer and found him charming and gracious and kind.

Anyway, he is doing his yearly Great Interview Experiment and i am taking part. I was interviewed by "D" at Decoy Betty and here is what i had to say:

Why is believing there is magic in this world so important to you?

I think, if i am honest with myself, i need to believe there is magic. You see, i have had a very tough three years, it hasn't been anything that many, many other people don't go through - it's just that they *keep* on happening. But, in between it all, in the middle days, i have had moments of great bliss. Large and small. I have seen the magic in my kids amazing resilience. I have seen the magic in a few kind words at the exact needed moment. I have felt love that hurts so much it makes me cry. I have seen my daughter light up when she visits her fairy house in the morning and there is a new and tiny note waiting for her. I need to believe that life will cut me a break soon, that i will magically have a wonderful future.

What are your top 5 songs to sing in the car?

This is a tough one. I'm a bit of a music junkie. Five songs that have really carried me through the past year are:

1. "Skinny Love" by Bon Iver

2. "The Night Starts Here" by Stars

3. "Halfway Home" by TV On The Radio

4. "Weighty Ghost" by Wintersleep

5. "Milk Thistle" by Conner Oberst

And, everything by Band of Horses who are my musical super heroes.

Now that all of your kids are in school, you said you have 5 free hours during the day (when they aren't sick with swine flu - yikes!) how do you spend that time; and how would you like to spend that time - in dream land?

Lately i've been spending that time doing the Mondo Beyondo course and learning how to use my Diana camera. The Diana is a vintage inspired plastic camera. I have several lenses for it and an Instant back which lets me take mini "polaroids." I love it, but it's simplicity has proved very difficult.

In dream land i would spend that time doing some kind of exercise that i actually enjoyed and working on my career as a photographer.

Can you write a haiku (5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables) about what it's like when your youngest claims into bed with you some nights?

chubby hand face down
softly snoring kicking sheets
winter breeze kisses

Aren't they supposed to have a seasonal reference? I tried...

From looking at your photos (and that one entry about your facebook photo), I can see you like arms and legs but rarely have photos of your face, why is that?

Honestly, i'm the only one who ever takes photos of me, especially since i've become a single mom and, more truthfully, i almost always look bad in pictures other people take of me. I lost my self-confidence in regards to photos. I suppose that part of it is getting older too. It's hard to get a picture of me where i actually look like me. My legs and feet though? They always look like me. I also like the feeling a picture of feet gives me. My kids feet have so many stories. All the places they have been and the places they will go.

I suppose the same can be said for my Facebook profile pics that have been a series of pictures of my legs and feet - dancing, jumping, running - going somewhere. It reminds me that i do have places to go and a future to embrace.

I've been to British Columbia and I still have nightmares about those giant banana slugs, do you ever get over seeing them around your yard? Have you ever stepped on one? Do they make a yucky sound?

I kind of luck the slugs. They have a hole on the side of their head that they breathe out of, it's kind of cool. I hated them as a kid though. One horrible summer i stepped on one in bare feet and it squished between my toes. *shudder* I still remember exactly how that felt. I've stepped on them in shoes and they actually 'pop'. It's pretty gross, they pop right out of their slimy skins.

I couldn't pick a winner myself because all the comments and dreams were so amazing. So, after a brief search and one judge running screaming from my home, i found Neil on Twitter and asked him to pick a number and he said "11". So lucky number 11 is...

Jess! Who writes an amazing blog and has had her share of tough times this year. I know Mondo Beyondo will be perfect for her.

Thank you so much everybody. Your dreams were inspiring and amazing and brought joy to my weekend.

I had the best weekend. The way friendship can wrap you up and make you feel whole again. The way you can say and do anything. And laughter. The laughter is still ringing in my ears and making me happy.

My friend christle and i wound our way down to the city to meet up with andrea and a friend of hers for an amazing dinner. We talked and ate and ate some more and did it all with wine pairings and muscat and herbal tobacco. It was decadent and silly. Andrea and i have been friends in the computer for years, but have never met in person though all signs pointed to us being fast friends. And we were.

After dinner we wandered over to the theatre to see band of horses who i fully admit to being my biggest crush in the world. They are so lovely and fill my heart with happiness every single time i see them live.

Andrea and i hung out in the lobby during the first band and spoke of love and loss and new happiness that is coming and is here.

As christle and i wound our way back up the highway i laughed and told her "this is what i do and i'm going to do it for you." And i put fleetwood mac "rumours" on and sung my heart out all the way home. It was so silly and funny and i did it unabashedly. because some things you can do in front of friends.

Things will be wonky for the next few days as the deliciously lovely sweetney makes some design changes and upgrades for me.

She has started a new business with some other cool bloggers called Sweet Blog, check it out for all your site maintenance and design needs.

I'm in vancouver with the kids right now, so this will be good timing. I'll be back home and here on friday.

xo

My thoughts are a random jumble.

I had the strangest dream last night that i was out on a date with Anthony Bourdain and i was terrified the whole time that i was going to have to eat some gelatinous, half-cooked, fatty, fleshy thing that i couldn't wrap my head around actually hanging out with him. The whole dream was me avoiding any place that looked like it might sell food, so much so that i woke up pissed off at myself that i missed an opportunity.

Valentine's weekend went by without remark. Well, there was that couple on sunday night that sat with their bodies angled away from each other and at the end of the meal she looked purposefully away while he sat with his face in his hands.

Eliza has had lice twice in the past few weeks. I think i have lice by proxy given all the head scratching going on.

I got the results of Toby's psycho-educational assessment last week and, as i expected, he scored in the gifted range for the majority of topic areas. Except for reading and writing which he scored exceptionally low. He has an official learning disability diagnosis which will allow him to receive the extra help he has so desperately needed for years. If i can get him through school without too much trauma i am sure he is destined for great things.

My lovely friend Kelly has continued to amaze me with her strength of character and ability to speak out and speak up on issues of race and equality.

Another good friend is in the finals of a contest to win a trip to BlogHer. Do me a favour and go vote for her.

I'm sorry for my random thoughts. Life has been awkward and tiring. My heart won't let my fingers find the right words to say everything i need to say. I am just letting it wait. Letting the skipping beats slow down.

Okay, so there's this DJ on the radio who has a blog. I have a crush on his whole family (even though he NEVER plays my requests) because they are young and happy and in love and exactly where i was ten years ago. They make me wish i appreciated what i had when i did. Jeremy did this meme on his blog last week and i'm going to do it too, though i think his is much better because *he* wrote it.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Let’s see how much you remember!

1. Was your first pregnancy planned? Sort of. I knew that i wanted babies and it just sort of happened. That whole pull out method doesn't really work, you know?

2. Were you married at the time? Yes, 18 months.

3. What were your reactions? Freaked out and happy and thinking i had to quit smoking.

4. Was abortion an option for you? Not the first time around, but by the fourth... we talked about it.

5. How old were you? 26

6. How did you find out you were pregnant? i peed on a stick, twelve times, then just to make sure did it again at the doctors office.

7. Who did you tell first? Shane. I don't remember who i told next, but i do remember shane flying to vancouver to let his family know, i think they have forgiven me for THAT mistake.

8. Did you want to find out the sex? I did, but i didn't. I wanted to buy stuff, but was paralyzed by not knowing. So ended up bringing a baby home to almost nothing.

9. Due date? June 13, 1997

10. Did you have morning sickness? No, just nausea and then diabetes and four months of insulin.

11. What did you crave? Burritos from Taco Time.

12. Who/what irritated you the most? I was working at the newspaper at UVic at the time and everybody i knew in the SUB was all like "how much weight is she going to gain?" I think i scared most of the university kids with my baby rack and belly.

13. What was your first child's sex? Girl

14. Did you wish you had the opposite sex of what you were getting? Nope, for sure wanted a girl first so that, at least, something was familiar.

15. How many pounds did you gain throughout the pregnancy? Tons! 80 pounds.

16. Did you have a baby shower? An awkward one full of indie rockers.

17. Was it a surprise or did you know? I knew.

18. Did you have any complications during your pregnancy? Gestational diabetes, group B strep, forceps delivery.

20. How many hours were you in labor? Waaaay too many. 47 hours.

21. Who drove to the hospital? Shane. We stopped on the way to get a chocolate milkshake because i knew the diabetes would soon be gone.

22. Who watched you give birth? Lots of doctors and nurses all yelling "push jess, push!!!" It was a little dramatic at the end and we needed that baby out of there.

23. Was it natural or c-section? Natural.

24. Did you take medicine to ease the pain? Everything i could get.

27. How much did your child weigh? 7lbs 6oz.

28. When was your child actually born? June 7, 1997 at 1:06 am.

30. What did you name her? Tristan Thea

31. How old is your firstborn today? 11 1/2

Why hello friends. Today is delurking day and i am posting this a little late. So, let's just say this goes right through until tuesday afternoon. I don't get many comments, i think, for a variety of reasons like; what can you say to the crazy lady, i don't comment much elsewhere, i'm not active in my comments section, and i'm a little boring.

I considered turning comments off permanently on january 1st, but decided instead to try and be a more active comment manager.

Anyhow, show me a little love today and i will try and reciprocate that love. Why don't you tell me your favourite fruit. Mine is a tie between dragonfruit and cape gooseberries. Or, just say hey.

In my effort to show some reader gratitude i am going to try and explain the contents of my herbal pharmaceutical shelf. I've had several people ask about the supplements i take since i stopped taking prescription medicine.

My longtime standby has been Rescue Remedy. I keep it in spray form in my purse and a couple bottles around the house. I use it when i'm feeling anxious or a little off kilter. I also use it for Parker when he is having temper issues or when his skin is itchy, itchy, itchy from his eczema. It works really well for him. I have found that it's usefulness for anxiety has lessened over the years, but i still like it for that off kilter thing.

Holy Basil is my newest weapon for anxiety. I take a couple tablets before stressful situations and drink it in tea form any old time. I love it and really feel it's benefits.

I also take a multivitamin, flax seed oil and trace selenium for mental health.

I have also started taking activated charcoal tablets for my anxious stomach. The majority of my anxiety focuses on my digestive tract and since starting activated charcoal on a regular basis i have felt healthier in the lower half of my torso than i have since i was a child.

That's about it. It's no magic solution, but it is what works for me more often than not. I am in no way suggesting that what i do is right for everyone. Mental illness is serious and often requires pharmaceuticals and those pharmaceuticals save lives. I don't have any qualms about people taking the medicine they need to make them healthy. For me, this is what works.

Go with love.

Oh, but comment first.

Wow, those were some great questions. I'm going to start at the bottom and work my way up because it's easier that way.

Stacy of the fabulous misss asks:

You write often about really experiencing your kids and living life with them and watching them grow. I'm a new mom ... my son is almost one. What are three pieces of parenting wisdom that you have? Simple or complex ... how do you suggest I parent/mother to teach my children to live, laugh and love with integrity and respect?

For me i try and keep it simple. First is BREATHE. There are times when kids can be challenging, frustrating, infuriating; we all lose our cool on occasion. I like to try and remind myself to take a step back and breathe when i feel that adrenaline kicking in. They are just kids.

Second would be to try and enjoy the simple moments. To really try and be present when you see joy on your child's face. Soak it in and feel and appreciate that joy. It will bring you that same joy.

Lastly, for me, is to never be in a rush when you are having "kid" time. Everything else can wait, at least for an hour. Your child may never want to sing that song with you again.

Lia from Family Freitas asks:

What's your favorite food and color?

My favourite colour is blue, or maybe green, no blue. I recently took an interest in how my bedroom looks and purchased an antique milk wash dresser. I put a lovely lamp with an icy blue shade on it and an extra large candle in a glass jar of the same colour. A dark blue rug sits on the floor and a lovely raincloud archival print i bought from Supermarket sits in a frame on the wall. Every single time i walk into the room that little corner makes me smile.

I love food, it's hard to pick one thing. I am definitely a savoury girl. I can turn away anything sweet at anytime, but give me a cheese plate with some olives and a lovely glass of red wine and i will be your friend forever. I am also heavily carnivorous. I was a vegetarian for fifteen years and since i switched teams i have become a lover of venison, fish, and steak - a six ounce filet mignon is near nirvana for me.

Gwendomama of the blog of the same name asks:

What is the strangest google search you had last month? or this month.
You know I am asking that because MINE was 'addicted to prostate massage'.

Well i happened to look at these today and let me tell you i curse the day i said "fucking" on this website because it creates some creepy searches. But the top five so far this month:

1. why am i so fucking depressed

2. i'm all alone its just me how i miss my family i wish it was yesterday today i dont feel very brave

3. very sore bum just passed monster stool

4. thank you for letting me know that you will not offer me the position

5. tips on making the loudest stinkiest and longest fart ever to be made and smelled

I know number one and two aren't strange, but they touched me.

Ada's son Franklin whose mom writes the awesomtastic Dirty Olive asks:

"What are you doing?"

Well Franklin, as i sit here typing my kids are all upsatirs. Tristan is in the bath because she can finally do that. You see she broke her leg seven weeks ago and had a cast on for six, but last week i bought her an aircast that she can take on and off. She is smelling much better.

Toby and Parker are playing an elaborate game that includes army men, stuffed animals, train tracks and the two dogs.

Eliza is hanging on the bannister in mid chin-up position. She does this quite often because she is kooky that way.

When i finish typing this i'm going to go up and read some stories and tuck them all in.

My total BFF Christle asks:

What is up with that pumpkin? Seriously that looks like pumpkin abuse

That pumpkin is still sitting on the fence in the driveway. I took that picture yesterday in perfect rot stage. I also messed with it in Picnik which is my very favourite photo editing site. I do plan on abusing that pumpkin more tomorrow.

Now the more difficult questions.

Jerusalem from miastoriadivita asks:

Are you still working at the restaurant at night? Have you thought about working a more day time/morning cafe so you are not apart as much?

Yes, i am still working at night and it has been an issue. You see, i love my job. I love working nights. Daytime shifts would earn me far less money. Also, and this is important to me, i stayed home with the kids for ten years. I put in a lot of years as primary caregiver and i am not ready to go back to that. I love the financial independence and, yes, getting out of the house. I really, really like my job and i haven't had anything like that for a long time. For the time being i have no plans of changing my employment even though it would probably make my personal life a little easier.

And finally Pam from I want my mom asks:

I was just wondering if you and Shane are still working things out or if things eventually fell through

The short answer is that yes, we are still trying to work things out. It has been a very hard process that i haven't wanted to write about because the emotions run so high and it can be one of those things where you say something you regret. I can tell you that 70% of married couples who separate and try and reconcile end up divorced. Thanks for rooting for us though.

And that's that. Thanks guys. That was fun, except for that last bit.

Ask me anything and i will answer as clearly and thoughtfully as i can. except for my religion as i am still undecided....

what do you want to know about me?

in comments, links free.

jess
xx

This whole blogging thing has been difficult for me lately. Part of it is that i'm just not sure who i am here and how much i want to spill forth. I can't, for the sake of those i love, just let it all come rolling out. Though there are many days when i would like to.

There is also time. I feel time slipping through my hands. I'm working full time now, five nights a week. I spend my days with the kids and my nights working. There is little time for much else.

The biggest thing right now, today, is jealousy mixed with insecurity. Feeling like the social outcast.

It seems like everywhere i turn writers i love and admire, women i have met, people i felt equal to - they are experiencing all these amazing things in relation to their blogs. They are on Tv, in the newspaper, getting book deals, writing in anthologies, invited to various free trips and swag fairs, even getting cars to drive around and meet other bloggers.

I'm wondering where i went wrong. I can't even get the BlogHer people to return my emails. I feel like a schlump. Like my sixteen year old self wanting so badly to fit in somewhere - even with the misfits.

I know that a huge part of it is my anxiety around friendship. Meeting people. Talking to people. Even sending emails. I know that, at the end of the day, this little website is here as a place for me to record my life. It is here for me. All the wonderful people who read it and share my life with me are the bonus.

I need to be more thankful for that. Appreciative that i even have this space, this opportunity.

My daughter is not lame. She is growing in to something that frightens me a little. Pure and raw beauty.

Not a meme taker or maker i shall concede to gwendomama because i have loved her for a very long time now, plus she constantly reminds me of true loss and true love.

So, Things I Think Are Lame Today

Gossip - it's very hurtful people.
Cheese - i love you but you make me visit the toilet more often than the recommended dosage
post-breastfeeding boobs - where for art though my 20's
big yummy hamburgers = gas
divorce - you suck
being crazy in the head - it's just not something people can relate to
recycling - fast food joints and their heaps of garbage - i call you shit to the environment.

4x4

4 Jobs I've Had (this year)

~mother to four screaming, lovely beasts 4, 6, 8 and 10 years old
~worked at a tasting bar at a winery
~waitress
~substitute educational assistant

4 TV Shows I watch

~Kitchen Nightmare
~Sesame Street
~big black screen
~no #4

4 Places I’ve Been (this year)

~chicago
~port renfrew
~vancouver
~the ocean

4 Music Artists I’m Listening to Right Now

Oracular Spectacular - MGMT
Humminah - Kim Barlow
Juno Soundtrack
Sigur Ros - Hvarf - Heim

I get a lot of emails asking me questions about various things. Yesterday a woman asked me:

If I can ask, how did you tell your kids? How did you explain it?

She was asking in reference to her four year old. It's hard. For me i have just taken it slowly. Mostly because i don't have all the answers and i've been watching for clues from them as to when they need more information.

When we first separated we sat them all down and told them we were going to live apart for awhile and that we still loved them very much and that would never change.

As time has gone by and it has become more clear that the marriage is over i have taken small opportunities to fill them in. I like talking in the car. They are a captive audience then. Plus, they are relaxed. Sometimes i will just ask them how they are doing with the stuff with mommy and daddy. Or i will ask them if they have any questions. They usually do. Mostly wondering about the houses and how long we are going to live in this one.

A while ago toby asked me "Mom, are you and daddy ever going to be together again?" They are hard questions to answer. I have realized that they just want the truth. The truth in a way they understand, that is age appropriate and no too complicated. I just told him "no, i don't think so." But then he takes that as having a little hope because i said "i don't think so."

"So, you might?"

"Well toby. No i don't think so. I think that this is the way it is going to be."

And you know what? He was happy with that answer. He just wants the truth. Kids need to not be surprised. If you give them the credit of being able to handle the truth better than small lies they will be so much happier. Just like they don't like spaghetti for dinner when you promised pancakes. They don't like uncertainty in their lives. They just want to know what is happening and what is going to happen.

I have learned something. I have learned what friendship is. What it means to stand by the side of a person you love. Friendship is love. The toughest kind of love.

A friend is someone that you love without judgement. Someone who you trust to keep the darkest secrets and silliest moments.

A person you have never met in person, yet happily share a hotel room with, walking around in towels and underwear like you've known each other forever.

A person you can drink a bottle of wine with in the middle of the day and laugh with when they fall asleep head down in the sand or trip over a log. A friend is someone who brings you a cup of tea at the perfect moment. A friend is someone who you can talk about money with. A friend is someone who understands when you don't want to talk. Who will just sit beside you. Prop you up when you are falling. Who hugs you just when you need it most and they will know that without you saying a word.

I have not always been a good friend. I have touble opening up. Letting people in. Scared of judgement. I haven't let anyone in for so long. I have missed out on so many years of friendship. That has been a mistake. I can see that now.

I am taking a week away to take care of some personal stuff. Stay focused.

In the meantime please check out a new project that leah and i have been working on. I am very excited about it.

Introducing:

RealMental!

May I ask more - I haven't read all of your blog - but can you tell me about your extended family and in-laws. What are they like? Do they love close-by? Who is your favourite person in the world (apart from hubby and kids) - and why?

My in-laws live about two hours away by car and ferry. They are amazing and supportive. Grandma babysits regularly.

My family lives about five hours away by car and ferry. They too are amazing. I don't talk about them out of a shared agreement.

My favourite person in the world is my pal christle. She is one of those amazing women who are caring, empathetic, funny, fun to be around, understanding and an awesome parent. She is even the guardian of my kids. She is my only real and honest friend around here.

What is it that you think will help your depression if you don't believe in therapy, pills. Do you think the depression will go away on its own or that you'll learn to live with it?

I think honesty will help me. I don't like therapists because they try to fit me into a mold. It's like the educational system that is taught on a median. It works for most of the kids. I am not like other people and all the talk in the world won't make me open up to a complete stranger. That takes years.

I am still on medication.

I don't think it will go away on it's own - well it could. But, i am working hard to improve the life around me. How i see and hear the world. My expectations. Everything. I am in no way leaning back hoping for help to come to me. I have a lot to live for. I want to live for. I am going to be better.

I am off like a dirty shirt at 5am tomorrow and due to arrive in Chicago around 7pm. Regularly scheduled navel gazing will be interrupted by gossip and snap judgments based solely on appearance.

Okay, here we go. You guys have been tough on me.

First from flippy

"Are you still drinking a lot?"

Why no. Shane confronted me several weeks ago about my drinking. I have family members who are alcoholics. I am very aware of this trait in me. I like to drink. And now that i have no secrets from anybody i will tell you that i spent most of my winter and spring months drinking in a desperate attempt to self-medicate. It came to a point where i was hiding my drinking from shane and my family.

We have talked about it. A Lot. I have not quit drinking all together. But, i am very aware of every drink i take. I am trying my best to be a better person. I am not drinking in excess.

That is the best i can give you right now.

2. From my fourth floor friend Jessica "How are you really doing? Honestly and truthfully?"

I am doing okay. I am saddened by the loss of friendship my suicide attempt has caused. That has been the most difficult. I am really, honestly, feeling better than i have in a long time.

I am not seeing a psychiatrist. I am seeing my family doctor twice a week and going to marriage counseling. I have not changed my medication ( 15mg of cipralex/daily) and have been refused any other anti-anxiety medications. My pharma-network whatever has an alert on it and i cannot have any medication without doctors permission.

Today? I will not kill myself.

3. From blackbird What's your favorite ice cream?

I don't like sweets. A new thing this year. I think it's chemical. But, my old time favourite was Green Tea.

4. Do you believe in heaven, an afterlife, God? - from Susan

No. I don't. I have never been to church, except for funerals. I have read the bible. Although it is hard for me to comprehend that this is it, i have been through many near death experiences with family members and friends. I just didn't see it. When i almost died i didn't see it.

I believe that we are here on earth for a reason. That we have energy. Positive energy comes back. I guess i believe in karma. I hate to think that my children, that i, am gone when we are gone. But i do.

I do, however, believe that while we are here we can make a profound difference. Whether it be by stopping wrongs, recycling, being positive, defending others, living an honest and positive life, being kind to others, loving. I am a positive person. I love people. I believe in an honest life. I believe in kindness.

I do not, however, believe in god. There is too much suffering in this world. I'm sorry for that.

5. Are you still seeing a therapist? Is your heart really open to getting help or do you feel a general distrust of the process and doing it to appease others? Also, if you don't mind, I'd really like to know if your older children (especially your oldest girl) are talking to a counselor.

No i am not seeing a therapist. I am seeing my family doctor weekly and i am attending marriage counseling.

I do not believe in the process and i am doing it to make my husband happy.

My children are not seeing a counselor.

I would like to be clear that they were not here the night i overdosed. They were all away with family. They do not know what happened. They know i suffer from depression and that sometimes it becomes too much and i need to see a doctor/hospital to make me feel better and change my medication.

6. Do you like shoes? from schmutzie./ I love her.

I love shoes. I have recently embraced high heels. I have three pairs. Two of which i will be sporting in Chicago. My favourites are my Earth shoes.

7. How can I help? from my friend Ade.

You can't. Being here. Every comment is wonderful and nice. Someone who has known me so long. My Sparks purse, which i carry everywhere. It's perfect.

8. How's Toby? from ellen.

Toby is perfect. He rubs my back. He tells me he loves me. He needs me more than ever. He is on the verge of learning to read. He tries hard. He needs me. I am doing my best. I worry all the time,

9. Do you think that if you worked outside of the home it might help? How much do the kids understand/know and is counselling helping them to deal with their emotions?

I am looking for a job.

I'm pooped. You have exhausted me.

Best weekend in such a long time. Such a long time.

I love music. I love the music i love. It dominates my life. I carry my iPod from home to car, car to home. I gave up on kids music years ago.

Yesterday when i told tristan we were going to see band of horses she said "oh, i love them - you're so lucky!"

I did feel lucky. I haven't been out to a show (other than shane's band) for ten years. It felt like no time had passed. There were still people i knew. New friends to meet (Ada and Andrea and my UVic friend.)

Women who have shared my life with me. Meeting them in person.

Hearing the music that i listened to in my hospital bed.

It was amazing. It was, cliche as it sounds, life changing.

When they played the songs that have been the soundtrack to my life i very nearly wept. I wanted to fall down and cry the tears. The tears that have been waiting. Waiting inside me. Listening to them sung so loudly, so beautifully. It was nearly too much.

And then we wandered the streets of victoria. No curfew. Nothing. We walked and we talked.

It was the most perfect evening i can remember. I am so thankful that there are bands like Band of Horses.

Beautiful music.

I have been tagged by schmutzie, and because she is beautiful and wonderful and sent me a lovely gift and is having a tough time i feel i must comply.

The rules are:

• Each player creates a list of eight random personal facts/habits.
• At the end of your post, list eight people who you want to tag to also do this meme.
• People who are tagged will post these rules and write their own list of eight personal facts/habits.

Eight Of Jess' Personal Facts/Habits

1. Since going on Lexapro i have twitches that take over my body at night making sleep impossible.

2. I can't eat before 1:00 in the afternoon.

3. I have a large tattoo on my tummy that has been stretched out by pregnancy four times.

4. I have broken my tailbone four times - last time yesterday.

5. I am very claustrophobic. I can't stand being hugged or being in a room without, at least, two doors.

6. I count my steps all the time. 37 steps from kitchen to bathroom. 10, 312 steps to highschool from my childhood home.

7. I can't sleep without some kind of booby support.

8. I like to self-medicate.

And now for the eight who are tagged for this meme: YOU.

Some awesome Canadian mother of four (yippee, a club!), Chantal, gave me a "thinking blogger" award.

It kind of took me by surprise. I don't think i give people much to think about, or never really thought of it in that way, until recently. Since getting official "cred" as a crazy person by spending time on the psychiatric ward i have been getting quite a few personal emails from people asking me for advice. I never know what to say and often leave them sitting in my inbox causing me great anxiety every time i see them sitting there. It's not that i'm rude or ungrateful for the support and encouragement i receive here. Quite the opposite really - it overwhelms me. Lately i have had to just not sit down at the computer because what started out as an outlet for my restless fingers has slowly turned into a monster i'm not sure what to do with. Sometimes i want to give my blog a time-out for bad behaviour.

I just, simply, am not qualified to give advice. I have treated myself so poorly for so long and now look where i am. I am the last person in the world to offer advice, in the words of Bloc Party "i've never known what's good for me." I can't even accept the help that's offered to me. instead i continue to keep up with all my bad habits. I keep hoping for the best, sweeping it under the rug and perpetuate the "everything will work itself out" mindset that was so prevalent in families when i grew up.

At the same time i am fiercely protective of my children and work with them on a daily basis to learn better coping skills and social skills than i have. I want to teach them from my mistakes. I want them to have a good life, a magical life. Yet here i am spilling my guts to the world on a daily basis. My kids all know about this site, but i've asked them not to read it. As they get older this becomes more of a challenge. A blogging conundrum that i have read over and over. At the end of the day i truly believe that there is never anything wrong with the truth. Growing up surrounded by denial and lies would be far harder for them than having a mother who feels and thinks.

I would love to hand out some Thinking Blogger awards, but i always dread picking people out of the crowd. I was never a popular girl in school. It wounded me - being picked last for the teams in PE - damn you dodgeball. I read a lot of different blogs and rarely comment on any (sorry). They all make me think. There are two that i can say because they are in retirement:

dirty olive who i miss like peanut butter
and
crazy us.

Wow. Making me think. Here's the questions answered (ones sent privately don't count - sorry.)

1.if you could be anything, what would it be? ANYTHING!????!???

I'd be marmalade the cat. Chase a few mice. Get a few scratches and tummy rubs. Eat whenever i ask. Sleep whenever i want.

Or, i'd be a politician. But, from experience, it's much easier to dream of change than to actually make change happen.

2.If you could live anywhere, where would that be?

Right around here. But, down the road a few miles right on the Lake with, at least, 25 acres. I would have more cats, more dogs, more chickens, a donkey and a jersey cow. I would swim every single day in the summer and i would skate in the winter. I would have a huge vegetable garden. My house would also come with housecleaners.

3.If you could choose between being invisible for a day, or being rich ($100,000 in your pocket) for a day, which would you choose and why?

I thought about this one all day. But in the end i'd have to go for the money. I'd be too scared to hear or see something i didn't want to if i was invisible. Kind of like the internet. If i had $100,000 i'd pay off my credit cards, i'd pay tuition for a year and speech therapy for a year and i would go on a vacation with my whole family that didn't involve tents or no showers. I would also give mike some money.

4.Do you like girls?

You silly. Of course. I have two daughters.

Oh. Wait. You mean like. Well, i was a women's studies major. Let's just say i've dipped my toes in that pool and though i would like to say never say never - i am a married woman.

5.What was your favorite thing to do when you were 6 years old?

My very favourite thing to do when i was six was bake with my mom. I had my own mini tart tins and cooking tools. I fondly remember sitting with my mom in our kitchen making jam tarts, punching down bread dough, rolling pastry. I loved each and every moment i spent alone with her in our kitchen covered in flour.

6.What is your favorite activity to do alone?

Sit in the school when it is empty and type. Write my novel. I like being here in the evening, knowing, and feeling, the immense energy that fills it all day. Feeling the remnants of that and the anticipation of the next school day. Yet it is quiet and calm and dark and all i can hear are the frogs in the pond next door. Plus the school is 100 years old and i like to sit in the dark and picture all the lives that have danced and laughed in these hallways.

7.are you still raising chickens?!?

Well, my chickens were all killed by a cougar. We still have one wild chicken living in the trees. We are, tomorrow actually, going to pick up 5 brahma pullets, 5 old english pullets and one of each rooster. I am going for the small chickens this year. I have missed them, but they are dirty and gross too. I really miss Stanley. He seems to have been reincarnated in Marmalade the kitty - who also thinks he's a dog.

8.Favourite memory from 1997?

June 7, 1997, 1:18a.m.

Tristan Thea Sparks born via forceps.

9.What's your favoritest music album of all time?

Impossible question.

Ten favourite bands?

The Shins
Wolf Parade
Jawbreaker
Sebadoh
Buzzcocks
The Police
Modest Mouse
Matthew Sweet
The Clash
The Cure

10. Who was the first guy you ever kissed, and what was it like?

His name was Kevin. He was a singer in a band. I was in grade 9, he was in grade 12. He sang "I'll Melt With You." It was my first love. It was amazing and still fills me with such happiness. But he broke up with me after three short weeks. I was heartbroken. I've never let anyone break up with me since.

I am tired. Today i am tired of talking about me. So. Let's talk about you.

Well, let's let you ask about me. I want to know what you want to know. Ask me your questions and i will tell you no lies.

I'll simplify it a bit. No questions about my family - my parents and siblings. I had sex twice yesterday and i do own a large purple vibrator which is hidden under my dresser and hasn't seen the light of day in months, if not years.

Other than that. What do you want to know? First ten questions answered.

In pain.

Broken tailbone.

Beautiful blog.

Stupid ice skating.

Posting will be light for the next day or two as i get ready to unviel my brand new site.

Ooooh. It is so cool.

It's gonna knock your knickers off.

Special thanks go here.

In other news shane and i went out for dinner last night. We shut down the restaurant. The only other couple there were very drunk and on their way to Vegas in the morning for a quicky divorce. He had apparently spent eight years in prison, just had his foot sewed back on and offered to service shane in a most dirty way.

I am feeling squiggly in my head, but a little better now that i am on the third day of lowering my dosage.

See you soon.

Hello world.

Seeking

One blogger type person very familiar with Movable Type to redesign my site to my very anal expectations. Also provide ongoing technical support.

Must like pretty things.

No caricatures.

Knowledge of feedburner, audioscrobbler, ad content and general geekiness. Bring it on.

Willing to negotiate a fare wage or an exchange of children and/or dogs for service.

Respond here.

**UPDATE**

My blog is totally going to kick your blogs ass!

My old and very dear friend, whom i once had a huge crush on, is going to work on it for me. In between his time doing websites (UK) for Coldplay.

I feel very happy.

Read this.

It has been haunting me. Mocha sent it to me.

The idea of being able to say goodbye to an emotion, a longing, a feeling that is tearing you up inside.

It may not be tearing you up, it may just be a haunting doubt. Or just a doubt.

Similar to what i said before. Is this what my life is going to be like? Walking along this road, frustrated by the different paths that your life and your spouses have taken. When did we come to that fork in the road? When did our want's become different? When did it become okay to treat me like a doormat? More importantly when did i let that happen?

At what moment in time, i really want to know, did i let go of caring. Of voicing my rights as a human being? Of being treated with respect. Not respect - love?

Was it when i gave birth? When i was so vulnerable, when i let every defense down because i had to birth a child. Am i that gross? Did i really lose all sense of self-worth then and pour myself so completely into my children that i lost every single little bit of backbone i once had.

Why is it that now, when i need help the most, when i want a life back that i am losing the tug-of-war. That everybody just wants me to "make it all go away."

Make what go away? Me? I am sad. I am unhappy.

I want to say goodbye to sad. Send it out the door.

I have had enough of you. I have had enough pain, insecurity, anxiety. I don't need you.

"But you do need me. I am you. Without me you couldn't write. You couldn't be so honest. You could never love."

Well. I don't know.

Do i want to say goodbye to you? You bring up a good point. I am who i am because of sadness. I have fought you through children and marriage and love and drugs.

And yet, you are still here.

My roomie that just won't leave.

Stolen from Red Stapler.

1. What did you do in 2006 that you’d never done before? Travelled without my kids, twice. (Miami and BlogHer)
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Don't do that.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? My sister-in-law.
4. Did anyone close to you die? Stanley the rooster.
5. What countries did you visit? United States.
6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006? Happiness.
7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? July through December - battling depression and Effexor.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Surviving.
9. What was your biggest failure? Not finishing my novel.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Concussion in softball and a broken heart.
11. What was the best thing you bought? My seatbelt messenger.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My kids.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? George Bush.
14. Where did most of your money go? Mortgage, tuition, presriptions and speech ttherapy
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? BlogHer.
16. What song will always remind you of 2006? So many, but, if i had to say one it would be "I'll Believe in Anything" by Wolf Parade.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? 
b) thinner or fatter? 
c) richer or poorer? Sadder, thinner, richer.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Bike riding.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Drinking.
20. How will you be spending Christmas? Travelling.
21. Did you fall in love in 2006? Yes.
22. How many one-night stands? Huh?
23. What was your favorite TV program? Big Love.
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? I don't believe in hate, except frozen peas.
25. What was the best book you read? Three Day Road and Emma (for the umpteenth time.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery? The Diggs.
27. What did you want and get? Love.
28. What did you want and not get? Stability.
29. What was your favorite film of this year? The Constant Gardener.
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I was in Miami, eating out in SouthBeach.
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Recycling at BlogHer, less rain, world peace.
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006? Black.
33. What kept you sane? This.
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Rick Mercer.
35. What political issue stirred you the most? Everything GWB did.
36. Who did you miss? My mom and dad.
37. Who was the best new person you met? Hmmmm. In person? JenB. and AmandaMandajuice.
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006. Life goes by so fast. Learn to be tough on parker, sometimes.
39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. If you walk away, i'll walk away.

Thank-you and goodbye 2006 - you bastard.

I didn't even know! I feel so humble. And foolish. Now i'll have no votes and voting closes tonight.

So, ahem, you know...if you want.

je suis fatigue.

Parker was up all night with the tummy flu. Alternately rubbing my back to make sure I was okay, throwing up, and asking me to rub his back. He was very sweet.

I slept restlessy from 5 til 7am dreaming the same dream over and over which involved ada, chair, and kilowatthour (i know her name, but not sure if it's private and myself flying around trying to escape some bad dudes. Sometimes we could fly all on our own (as toby would say, sweet) and sometimes we had magical flying machines.

Obviously with the machines we could fly higher and faster and our adventure took on more wacky twists and turns, frizzle chickens living in chairs bedroom! When we had to fly on our own we often flew into trees that looked like the whomping willow.

All in all i woke up exhausted and exuberant.

This comes to you courtesy of my pal MB and letter B, who i also love.

Things I Did For Love

1. Chose to love
2. Bought and wore black lace garters, bra, and thong
3. Chose a c-section instead of a VBAC
4. Tried the backdoor
5. Talked dirty
6. Had four babies
7. Stayed home
8. Got a prescription
9. Walked away
10. Came home
11. Gave up a family
12. Got a new family
13. Went to Miami
14. Had my tubes tied
15. Supported self-employment
16. Became financially dependant
17. Cried
18. Learned to love making out
19. Started swearing
20. Had sex in Lake Okanagon surrounded by people
21. Skinny dipping
22. Loved someone
23. Went to bed
24. Turned off the computer
25. Listened to Ween
26. Loved this song
27. Shaved and waxed
28. Let someone believe in me
29. Moved to the country
30. Remembered.

Lists of Things (stolen from kilowatthour, who stole it from blackbird, who stole it from schmutzie)

1. Things on my desk: digital rebel, video camera, various cables, stack of bills, empty wine glass, cup of coffee, candy wrappers, stack of books to read, my new book from jenB, benjy ferree cd, board meeting minutes, our new life insurance policy, and a hairbrush.

2. Things on the table: flashlight (powers been going out a lot), guitar picks, remote for stereo, giant stack of books including: Aligator by Lisa Moore, Little Polar Bear by Hans de Beer, Elmo Loves You, SpinSelling by Neil Rackham, Now I'm Reading, You: An Owner's Manual and The Alchemist. Also our new Health Plan Policy.

3. Things I am wearing: Black trouser socks, Old Navy Black Skinny Cords, New Shirt from She-Bible Clothing, lime green bra and undies. Silver hoop earrings, heart ring, wedding ring, and lovely silver necklace.

4. Things in my bag: Two books i'm reading, wallet, toby's wallet, all the kids medical cards, bank books, and birth certificates in a ziploc, three lip glosses, clonazepam, effexor, business cards leftover from BlogHer, various school memos, allergy bag with two epipens, benadryl and an extra cell phone in it. Lot's of little treasures including matchbox cars, polly pockets, bouncy balls, shells, marbles, rocks, hockey cards. A pack of Trident Whitening gum in blue.

5. Things that made up my lunch: coffee and two Wasa Crackers with Cream Cheese. A jalapeno stuffed olive.

6. Things I wish I'd never swallowed: various parts of a pen i choked on while getting in trouble by the principal in grade 9.

7. Things I have a fondness for that are less than obvious: National Lampoon Christmas Vacation, the smell of dirt, people's hands.

8. A thing I wish was not stuck in my head: Every single Disney Movie Song ever written by Elton John and Celine Dion.

As it turns out i am not a luddite. Future Shop, even after i asked, sold me a $1000 camera that is not compatible with my computer.

Stupid future shop.

Stupid sony camera.

As it was my birthday recently and nobody bothered to get me anything and i was feeling depressed anyway i went out and bought myself a gift.

A very expensive gift.

A sony digital video camera with a built in 30g hard drive. Yowza.

But, and this is a question for all you apple computer superheroes, i can't figure out how to upload the video to my computer.

The camera seems to be trying to talk to my camera, but i get nothing.

Nothing.

And here i have this exhilirating five minute video of me wandering around my house and yard introducing y'all to everybody. Even the chickens. Chickens!

Can anybody help me. I feel like such a loser.

I have this crazy idea. Tell me what you think.

As part of his work shane does a lot of conference calls that he records as mp3's. Making the call is free. You get an access code and call a 1-800 number. The conference can accomodate up to 50 people.

I want to start a monthly bloggy crush chat. And then post it here for the world to listen to.

I picture talking with all of you about topics like depression, medication, children, boobs. You know.

We'd have a specific topic each time and talk like internet friends do. Like people who share intimate details, but have never met or even talked.

What do you think?

Ada, through a friend, talked about googletrapping. It is such an awesome idea. I love the thought of finding old friends. Bringing them to you through writing.

I would love to do that, except i have no old friends. I've never really had friends. Just shane.

No matter how cliche it sounds, nobody has ever known me like he knows me. I've never been myself with anyone else. Not at anytime in my life. I have always felt like i was living my life around other people and their needs. What they needed me to be. I have always been that person.

The less pretty, but supportive one.

The less athletic one, who celebrated your gold medal while holding the silver.

I suppose what i would really like to googletrap is my family. I wish i could go back in time before i had a blog. I wish i could keep my secret vox blog and never have started this drowninginkids thing which i love so much, but has changed everything.

I wish i had friends.

I'm a terrible friend. I will always make excuses to excuse myself out of meetings and playdates. I can't talk on the phone or in person. My kids have lots of playdates, but i always anxiously watch the clock for pick-up time because i dread those few moments of adult interaction. Dread is really not a strong enough word. I love people, but i hate talking to them, but i want to love talking to them because i really love them.

My god, i'm a mess today.

I've been struck with parkers stomach flu at just the time that i need to be available to many people. I am already weak mentally, socially, and physically and now dealing with this absolute depletion of every reserve i have has sent me for... i don't know. A regression.

Today has been a step backwards.

Things i love and wanted to share.

First off:

Awesome!

• My Mom's Blog by Thoroughly Modern Millie
Millie spoke at the keynote address at blogher on "how is your blog changing your world?" She is amazing, cute and charming, oh and 81! I want to scoop her up and put her in my purse (except it's a diaper bag.)
• the adventures of leelo and his potty-mouthed mom.
I got a leelo sticker at blogher. I love this blog.
• the kilowatthour
She's a med student. She's awesome. period.
• benjy ferree
What's not to love? Go listen.
• the naked ledger
Other people's money. Watching it being spent.
• blogburst
I have been on the cover of the Life section of The Statesman four times this week. So awesome.
• 60bugs
My own personal drowninginkids shirt, plus "a is for awesome" for parker and "w is for whatever" for eliza. So perfect and debbie is the best, most generous person ever.
• yogabeans!
New post today with more barbie!
• vox!
Want an invite? I have three two.

Nice weekend everybody.

When i was in university i had my own radio show on the campus radio station. My show was called "my grandmas big red car!"

I loved doing my show. Spending hours in the record and cd library. Fondling stack upon stack of 7" records. Picking out two hours worth of music. Then locking myself in the booth and turning the speakers up really loud for my show.

I never really knew how popular my radio show was. The CRTC said that every phone call counted for 700 listeners. I usually got four or five calls. That was good enough for me. There was a fine balance between being too popular, which meant the music you were playing was a little bit too mainstream, and being a navel gazing loner.

I feel that way when i look at bloglines and see how many people subscribe to my blog. How many people would one subscriber represent? How do i compare to other people i really like? How about those ones that i secretly lurk on? And, crap, i am NEVER going to get that many!

So many people talk about commenting and comments, traffic, blog courtesy, blah, blah, blah. I can't keep up with all that and frankly, i don't want to. I love getting comments and i always check out the blogs of commenters. I comment every now and then. I just don't have time. I appreciate all the blogs i read. I appreciate everyone that reads my blog. Isn't that enough?

Okay, i admit it, i'm a mess. I'm socially inept, cold sore ridden and full of self-doubt and anxiety. I'm lovely. I'm a blogging loser. My heart starts to skip beats and my palms sweat when i go to leave a comment. I try hard. Really i do. Always reading, admiring, nodding my head in agreement. Yet, i can't say (or type) a word without sounding like something i am completely not. This whole social system is awkward and i feel like a dopey nerd stumbling through it.

Today when we were in victoria tristan asked me "why does everybody look different here?"

I gazed at my four children. Unkempt, hair full of tangles, cinnamon toast remains on their cheeks, slow mall walkers. Everybody else was keeping steady paces, looking clean and groomed and with places to be and no time to waste.

"Because it is different here."

That was the best i could do.

And it is different here too. On the internet side-road of blogging. People are different here. They are nice and caring and warm and inviting. Clever, charming and smart. I feel like the country folk, if the country is thirty minutes from the city.

Despite my springtime happiness i have been experiencing regular anxiety attacks. I feel my chest weighing down on me and feel like i am dying. I think through everything i have to lose. It's unbearable.

This thinking about goals and careers and blogher.

And this morning i pulled out an old, old bra that i haven't worn since 1997 and it fit me again. Bye bye breastfeeding boobs. I won't miss your massive size.

So many changes. So many birthdays. So many bloggy friends to meet.

Well, well well... the good things just keep rolling in for me! I feel so lucky. And so happy!

I'm going to say that for awhile because it feels so good.

Anyway, yesterday in the mail i got a lovely note and a yummy chocolate bar that looked a little something like this:

from the lovely and talented chair whom i adore and wish could be my little sister.

But wait! The fun, it just doesn't end! I got this most awesomest of awesome packages from Dana (oh please let me have gotten that right, i have a few dana's [lucky me again!] commenting). Now dana knows her chocolate. To wit:

and! even chocolate mint perfume! who knew?

Yay you! Yay me!

Thank-you.

Jen, who happens to be one of my other favourite moms with four kids tagged me last week with this meme. I've been wanting to do it for so long and am, just barely, finding the time now.

Ten simple pleasures are:

• My new iPod. I love it so much. I had no idea how much i missed having music in my life until it came back again. Paige has helped too by giving me so much new music to love.
• That i don't have to worry about this for five months.
  
  
• Instead i can worry about how dirty my feet are.
  
  
• baby chicks. this one is just a few hours old.
  
  
• columbines
  
  
• afternoons at the lake.
  
• summer clothes on cute kids.
  
• lemon poppyseed cake - homemade of course.
  
  
• having pesto back in my life and protecting my family when shane is away.
  
  
• primary baking at school.
  
  

I could go on and on. I am so happy to be happy. Life is good and precious and wonderful and fun.

Consider yourself tagged my favourite moms.

As some of you remember i recently had some questions about chicken recipes. I'm proud to say i have made many of the recipes and i have almost gotten over my fear of raw chicken. The thing is though that my (live) chickens are molting and going a little crazy right now and when i look at their little bald spots they look JUST LIKE CHICKEN!! OMG.

Tonight i am trying chair's chicken recipe with a little twist; i diced the chicken before putting it in the marinade and i plan on sauteing it with some garlic and olive oil and tossing it with linguine and serving it with feta on top and sauteed zucchini on the side. That should go over GREAT with the kids!

For dessert? A side of sour grapes.

I have noticed recently that lots of bloggers are getting jobs writing on other blogs. LOTS of other blogs. (I must be twitchy today what with all the CAPS) Now i am happy that these women are making money doing what they love and providing an income for their families. All that stuff? Awesome.

But, i keep looking for posts, actual posts on blogs, and get redirected to other blogs. My mind? It is weak and tired. I can't keep track of all the blogs and who writes where and which jen is this anyway? Can't they get paid to write their own blogs? Why have seven blogs when you can have just one? You hear that big corporate companies cashing on blogging talent! I want to read the same old blogs with the same old writers and have them get paid to do that! I don't want to be tracked and clocked and become part of the corporate machine.

Have a great weekend!

The flu. I got the flu on friday night. Actually, i'm not sure it was the flu, more accurately i think i fell into the exhaustion trap. Sad hearts, staying up late and middle of the night anxiety attacks caught up with me and i woke up saturday morning with tummy pains and a body that ached. Unfortunately my brush with millionaires and a chance to snazzy up in my fancy shoes and pretty dress was set to happen saturday night.

I stayed in bed all day hoping to feel a little better. I didn't really but had a long hot shower, took a bunch of tylenol 3's and gussied up as best i could. The "gala" was interesting and could have been fun if not for my rumbly tummy and foggy head. We were seated at the head table which proved to be the best table to be at during the "live" auction.

I learned something. Rich people? They are more than willing to spend $2000 for a pair of drumsticks used by metallica. And hey! It's fun to be a part of that action. I came very close to winning a bid for a parking spot at the private school the gala was on behalf of when i sneezed and raised my hand at the $1400 mark.

But, i made it through with as much grace as possible and completed part one of my six fingered plan to employment.

I spent the rest of the weekend in bed reading blogs and catching up on mommywars! And? I just don't get it. Is this really a new battle? Am i not seeing it? Working moms vs stay at home moms? As far as i can tell this battle has been going on since my mom had children.

The thing of it is though. The thing that really bothers me - and this is not a revelation - most of the moms weighing in are parents to one child. I understand that it is always hard to leave a child in care and go to work, that the decision is one that is often made by financial necessity, the desire to have a life outside of the home, to have value in society because we all know there is little value in being a sahm.

But, when you are a mother to two or more children every decision is made more difficult in leaps and bounds by the children you have. When you have three or more children staying at home becomes more of a necessity, at the very least, while you still have babies. And when you have multiple children you have babies for many years. Every single one of those years that you stay home you become less employable and lose more of the you that once existed. It's not as simple as dropping a child in care somewhere while you get your feet back in the waters or take care of your own needs. Your needs are put on hold for a long time. A simple exercise routine is held hostage by multiple drop offs and pick ups, after school activities, cleaning, shopping, cooking, entertaining... on and on. The mere thought of organizing care for multiple children with complicated schedules becomes so financially burdensome that staying home becomes the best option - for the family. Once again, as the mother, your needs are put last.

Now, i know i chose to have lots of kids and my burden is my own. Yet, everywhere i look the best opportunities are being given to the mothers with one child. The best blogging jobs, the highest traffic, the speaking opportunities. I'm speaking solely about the blogosphere now. Mothers with one child have the most time to devote to blogging and, as such, are heard the most. But, those experiences that were once mine don't represent my life, or lots of others, at all. We know how to take care of toddlers and what to expect from the early years of schooling. Not that these aren't still difficult times, they are just not surprising anymore. And no, i haven't made an effort to make money off this whole thing. That's not why i do it. But, i am frustrated when i hear of great mothers not getting them.

What am i saying? I'm lost in the muddle of my words. But, i think that the mommywars are being played out by a group of parents who don't represent the rest of us. Those of us with more than one child. Those of us who are deeper in the trenches.

I am attempting to block some ip addresses, but i am hopeless and useless with geeky stuff. If i block you please email me and let me know. This really only applies to those of you in british columbia!

Everyone else shooooo. Go enjoy your weekend.

What an amazing bunch of women (i'm pretty much convinced there's no men out there...hello? hello?) you are. Really, i mean that.

Such thoughtful and thought provoking comments today. Why do we blog?

I think the resounding answer is "because we can." I think part of that answer is that you're brave enough or crazy enough to do it. No matter how many people are reading your slice of the pie you are always opening yourself up for hurtful comments. But really, those are so few and far between.

I think the friendship, support and sense of belonging that the community brings are what most people hang on to, what keeps us posting when there's not much to say or when there's too much to say.

*******************************************************************
We are sick with some weird cold/flu virus. I bought (finally) one of those digital ear thermometers the other day and i have been running around checking all the fevers and spreading all the wax. Tristan has been hardest hit holding steady at 102-103 since last night. Parker and Eliza are okay, i'm hoping they stay that way as i don't want to end the longest winter ever in the hospital.

I keep trying to type something interesting and i come up with nothing but crappy snotty sneezes. So, i will say goodnight and hopefully be back fresher and clearer tomorrow.

Thanks for all the comments!

I was tagged by Chantal at Bread Crumbs in the Butter and dammit, i hate chain mail which is all it really is, but i'm too superstitious or too much of a keener not to do it. I got tagged!

Ten Years Ago:

Shane and I were living in a huge 2 bedroom apartment in Victoria, it was actually the main floor of a character house - i still miss it. We were young and happy. Just us and our dog, Pesto. I was working at an alternative newspaper and running a small record label. Shane was starting his graphic design business and playing in a locally popular band, Gallery 6. We went out to see bands pretty much every night. It was awesome and i still miss it, sometimes.

Five Years Ago:

We had just purchased our first home, a duplex in Victoria - we didn't stay long. We bought a fixer upper a year later and made our fortune (ha!) off that. Tristan was three and Toby was one. What i really remember is how happy i was. I had great friends whom i had a daily playdate with at the local park every weekday, Tristan and Toby happily rode around in the bicycle trailer for hours on end and i was in great shape. About 2 weeks later i found out i was pregnant with Eliza.

One Year Ago:

Four kids and a new house in the country. A new school for Tristan, her fourth, and Toby's first year in kindergarten. I was very lonely last september. The first few months in the country were very tough. I've never felt so isolated and alone. But then we found our school and the community involved with it and everything changed.

Yesterday:

Hmmm. I shaved off an ungodly amount of pubic hair and have been paying the price back in golden itchiness ever since.

I also took Toby to a four hour birthday party (insane parents) and then went shopping at Old Navy. I'm sorry, but i love Old Navy. I can buy three pairs of cords for $100 and wear them all winter, then toss them out. Plus! They come in short. Hello size 8 short. You fit me perfect - no sewing - I don't sew. Then i went to see The Forty Year Old Virgin. I left after 40 minutes because my popcorn was gone and the movie wasn't nearly good enough to waste anymore of my precious four hours on. It was funny though and i laughed so hard i cried during the waxing scene - i think probably out of sympathy. Plus, there was two guys sitting right behind me laughing obnoxiously loud and kicking the seat PLUS THERE WAS ONLY THREE OF US IN THE ENTIRE THEATRE. But somehow sitting right behind me was the best spot they could find.

Then i picked up Toby from the party, drove home, made lasagna, cleaned up the kitchen, fed the dogs, folded laundry, fed the chickens, bathed the kids, did the homereading from school, put the kids to bed, nursed Parker 75 times, watched Desperate Housewives, West Wing (walked the dogs) and Greys Anatomy, read a few blogs, did "it", put the chickens to bed, nursed Parker 75 more times, went to bed.

Five Songs I Know All The Words To:

I really can't answer this because i know the words to pretty much every song i've ever heard more than once, i'm funny that way. Anyway, the 3hive podcast has lots of songs that i think are pretty cool.

Five Snacks:

rice crackers with creme fraiche and jalapeno jelly
milk duds - only available at the theatre
grocery store cucumber sushi
apple sauce
veggies and dip

Five things I'd do with 100 million dollars:

I don't know! Buy a bigger house and a new car - some hybrid that seats 8!
Play with my children.
Donate a lot.
Eat lots of yummy food.
Get a swimming pool.

Five places I'd run away to:

Kihei, Maui
Toronto
New York
Italy
France

Five things I would never wear:

high waisted pants
hot pink
blue eyeshadow
ass writing
bikini

Five Favourite TV Shows

Six Feet Under
Entourage
The Sopranos
Survivor
Rescue Me

Five greatest joys

Tristan
Toby
Eliza
Parker
An evening out with Shane

Five favourite toys:

iBook
iPod
eMac
Canon Digital Rebel XT
the trampoline

Current Reads:

Entertainment Weekly
A gazillion children's books
Little Earthquakes
Heavier Than Heaven
Barnyard in Your Backyard

Five People I am tagging to do this:

kiss my crisis
twisted cindy
refinnej