A few weeks ago i ventured to the swimsuit store.

*gasp*

It's only taken me my entire life to muster up the nerve to make this trip.

I went into the store and made a beeline for the black bikinis. I picked out a few and headed for the change room. The sales girl told me to try one on and let her come in and feel me up a little to check for fit.

"Yeah, right."

I tried on many swimsuits and found myself bursting out of every top. The sales girl kept knocking and asking how things were going.

"Umm. Fine. I kind of need a bigger top. And more support!"

She tossed a new top over. I tried it on and it was comfy and i looked plumpy. I twisted and turned and realized that i was wearing a bra and panties. Seriously. Underwire, shoulder straps and back fasteners. A bra. But it fit. I headed glumly to the counter and was ready to plunk down $100 so that people would think i was wearing my bra and panties at the beach.

Then i saw a woman, not too different from me, waltzing around in a turquoise and brown tankini and board shorts.

"Wait! Stop! I need to try that on."

I was prepared to crawl under the door of her change room and swipe it as she pulled it off. But, they had one in my size. It fit. It was cute and it was summery. And, most importantly, not a bra and panties in disguise.

Without looking at the price "I" waltzed up to the counter and proclaimed my desire to purchase the perfect swimsuit. Did you know that swimsuits are damn expensive? They are.

Luckily our recent re-mortgage has left us with a false sense of prosperity and i charged on my freshly paid off mastercard.

I was wearing it at the beach today and my scrutinous family member who's married to a plastic surgeon said:

"Your boobs look really good for someone who nursed four kids for so long."

Score. Boobs look pretty good. I'll take that.

As you know i weaned parker a few months ago. It was hard blah, blah, blah.

The hardest part? The changes in my body.

We all also know that shane was pretty eager to have me milk-free. As it turns out i am not so eager.

First of all i have gone from a generous 38D to a wimpy 36B. Pretty much overnight. Also? I gained five pounds. I've pretty much lost it again, but it hasn't really helped my confidence when naked. I noticed the other night that when i lie down my boobs (whats left of them) disappear into my chest.

It just isn't fair. After all my pain, suffering and sacrifice birthing and nursing four kids i am left with a flabby tummy, silver stretch marks across my belly, three distinct cesarian scars, half-filled water balloon boobs and skin tags.

This should be my time to celebrate my body and all it has done. The re-birth of my sexuality.

Instead i have a body that is a road map of the devastation of kids. It's a good thing i love them. It's a good thing that when the lights are out i still feel the same and my husband doesn't really give a damn about all of that.

I've been thinking lately, as i tend to do, about myself. About how hard it was in the winter and how everything changed for me when the sun started to shine. I've been wondering why. I know there's SAD and the fact that i am isolated and alone. An experience intensified by monsoon like rain which lasts for months.

But there has got to be more to it than that. Why was this winter so much harder? Is next winter going to be the same?

I think a huge part of my winter of depression was weaning parker. Something that i didn't pay enough attention to. The sudden change in hormones and relationship to my children. Wondering why i even did it in the first place. Frustrated by my own discomfort with nursing past two years. I have been in the trenches of babyhood and breastfeeding for close to nine years.

Except now.

And that is the second part. I am becoming a different person and i am not sure who that person is. I am no longer pregnant or a mother to babies. I am a mother to little people that are becoming increasingly independent of me.

Who am i?

When i started having babies i was young. I married young. I wasn't really a woman, an independent woman, yet. I had the beginnings of a career and a vague notion that i could do very well in life.

Then i did very well having babies. And here i am now. How do i do this?

What a day. What a week.

Tristan went back to school today. One down. Toby, parker and eliza are all still sick. That makes one full week, since last monday, that i've had sick kids. It changes your reality, these sick kids. I've found it challenging, to say the least, to continue writing in these past eight days.

And so. And so i welcomed shane's input last night. And so it was a departure from what i would normally say, from what lines i would normally cross. When he sat down at the computer i watched him from the couch (chesterfield) and wondered what he would say about me. I hoped he would wax poetic about his love for me. How i am perfect. Everything he ever dreamed of.

But, i am not perfect. I am full of holes in logic, perception and reality. The thing is. The thing is he knows all that. He knows exactly who i am. And that...THAT...is exactly what makes love happen. Sure, i found his description of me a little tactless, a little base. But, in the heat of the moment there is no tact, no grace...just panties and bras in the way of what we really desire. And what we desire, in my house, is close personal contact - skin on skin - and i love him for all his honesty and abruptness about that.

Because when it comes down to it, the reason we are a team, is because of this strong bond that we have - emotionally and physically. Saggy boobs, beer bellies and all.

And yes, we introduced wine and beer back in to our household on sunday night. And thank you to everybody that commented to shane, and all the dads, and all the people i have never heard from before. It has been an exhilarating day of phone calls home to office; "sixteen comments! i am totally winning!"

And thank-you for not quite letting him win. And i won't let him guest blog again for, at least, awhile. Lest it get to his head.

I have a breastfeeding category for archiving my posts into. I thought that once i weaned parker i wouldn't add anything else to it. But oh! i was wrong. Because now i can worry and obsess about what breastfeeding for those many, long years has done to me.

The other day though i realized it's not that bad. Yet. I figure the worst is still yet to come.

But enough about me!

Shane has been eagerly awaiting the day when the ratty, threadbare nursing bra would come off. I know some women are okay with their partners having access to the boobies while lactation is happening. Not me! Poor shane, cry me a river, has waited since 1996 to see them again. I never really warned him way back then that he had better say his goodbye's so he felt a little ripped off. He never got to cop a last feel. (Not that he didn't try.)

That has been the second part of the problem that has been causing me some anxiety and kept me robed at all times in, at least, a bra. The last time he saw felt full frontal i was 26. I was 26 and i had never had any children. I was 26 and thin and perky and small nippled.

How can i compete with my 26 year old self?

So, the other night whilst laying down together i lifted up my bra and gave him access. For a brief moment. I tell you he smiled like a fifteen year old after a drive-by flashing.

Then it occurred to me. He doesn't care what they look like. He's waited so long they could be deflated watermelons after a draught and he'd still be happy. He just wants them back.

Tonight as i was putting parker to bed we were chatting and snuggling and enjoying each other. Every night when i put him to bed i sing him a few songs, itsy bitsy spider, you are my sunshine and take me out to the ball game, then i kiss him and tell him i love him and i'll see him in the morning. Then he says "i love me too mommy. Night night. Sleep tight. See you in the morning." It's all so damn cute it nearly kills me.

So, before our ritual tonight, but when he knew it was time, he looked at me with his bottom lip puffed out and quivering "still no booby mommy?"

"No parker. It's all gone now. You're doing such a good job."

"I really miss booby mommy."

"I know baby. Me too."

I swear at that moment i almost gave it all up and whipped it out for my baby. The quivering lip? It kills me.

Besides, i'm really not seeing the benefits over here. For these nine long years i have been dreaming of being able to take medicine when i'm sick, drink alcohol without guilt, have my formerly small boobs back, and lose these extra pounds that THEY told me would come off once i finished breastfeeding. Fat storage my ass! It's just fat and it's here to stay apparently. Unless of course i actually do something about it.

I took medicine and it totally freaked me out. Drinking? Eh, whatever. I never really worried anyway because there is no way i could live for nine years without alcohol. And! And! MY BOOBS! They are still huge. Well, huge for me. (This should be a good google night) I am comfortable as a 36B or even C. That is the way i always was and that is what i want back. Even if they do sag and my nipples are radically different from the nice little flat, pink ones i used to have. Even if all those things why are they not getting smaller?

So? Why the hell did i do this? Oh i know, i know! The whole having to go at kindergarten snack time and give him his booby thing.

Since i weaned parker he sleeps through the night.

ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!~ oh i crack me up!

Since i weaned parker he wakes up every 20 minutes screaming for me. And then he takes forever to get back to sleep. Grey's Anatomy was a total bust last night. Such a bummer.

He's also very constipated. Yesterday i felt as though he was channeling his inner leta armstrong as i had to, literally, pull a giant hard as a rock poo from my babies little sore bum. He was screaming and crying and asking to go to the doctor.

I gave him lots of fruit and veggies yesterday, but i need help! I'm hoping he'll sleep better when his gut feels better.

How do you cure extreme constipation in a two year old?

Well, i made it through my weekend, barely. We came home last night to very little fanfair. Parker was underwhelmed to see me. I was surprised. He seemed fine.

Until bedtime. I went to put him to bed and he smiled slyly at me and asked "booby now?"

"I'm sorry parker, it's all gone. I left them in vancouver."

And then my lovely young baby summoned the rage of a thousand scorned toddlers. He grabbed my face with both his hands, leaned in real close and yelled for twenty minutes;

"BOOBY BOOBY BOOBY...!!!!!!!"

It was quite the possession. I expected blood to spurt out his ears at any moment. Finally, i had to go and sleep in eliza's bed with her and let shane take over night three of operation booby drop.

So, last night i bored myself sleepy. I didn't really know what to do with myself. I sort of wandered around lost and feeling a cranky knot in my tummy. No matter how much i told myself parker was fine i couldn't stop wallowing in worry. I'm fairly certain all this is as hard on me as it is him.

I went to bed at 11:00 and felt pretty certain i wouldn't sleep a wink. Not a wink i tell you. That is until i woke up with a gasp and adrenaline rush at 5:30 in the morning. Six and a half hours of sleep! In a row, in a row in one night! Now, i'm sleepy as hell. I felt the wonderful lull of sweet, sweet deep sleep and i want more. I managed to doze on and off until the very reasonable hour of 8:30.

I spoke with a teary parker on the phone. He said "i love me mommy. can i have booby now?"

At that moment my heart burst into flames right in my chest. In between my rock hard right boob and empty left one.

Today, the girls (my gorgeous daughters tristan and eliza and my beautiful niece bryn) and i are going toobing at the ski hill and for haircuts. Tomorrow morning we are off to fancy pants brunch at the Hyatt.

If i make it through tonight.

I am heavy chested. Why? Because i am off on my girls weekend without parker! My boob, just one, is feeling a little overwhelmed. Parker has only nursed on the right side for quite some time. So, i'm lopsided - one large engorged boob and one happy go lucky little boob. Awesome! That is just what a girl coming off of cold sores, dry skin PMS acne zits and newly defined wrinklage needs to build that self esteem. Do they make bras for weirdo boobs like that?

I don't even know what to wear to bed tonight. Out of habit i brought my nursing bra and silky girly boxers. But, if the mood struck me i could sleep naked. In my parents house! The horror of it all.

Plus, sleep. I could, theoretically, sleep through the entire night. For the first time in almost nine years i am going to sleep alone and uninterrupted. Except for my GI-Normous righty booby.

I'm freaking out a little here. Plus! No alcohol. Fucking shit. I think tomorrow night i might even go out. With friends! I just have to find some of those - friends. That is if i can find an outfit to suitably hide my righty lefty booby problem.

I feel obliged to start this with i'm tired. Real tired. We are fighting colds and flu's and backaches and asthma. The usual suspects.

Parker has been sleeping a little better. He goes to sleep pretty easily most nights. Except on days when he naps because we have reached the black hole of not quite needing a nap but I WILL GET REALLY GRUMPY AND LOUD AROUND 4:30 AND IT WILL LAST UNTIL BEDTIME but then i will go to sleep really freakishly easily.

He's even *knock wood* been sleeping from the time he goes down until around midnight. Which means i get 3 or more hours of uninterrupted time alone. So! You'll be seeing a lot more of me in all your comment sections and i am a lame commenter so watch out! Then, well, he wakes up 3 or 4 more times for *ahem* the booby. So, tired. Always with the tired. Not to mention that i have FOUR kids. That in itself is exhausting. Two kids are exhausting too. I think this whole motherhood thing is wrinkle causing exhausting no matter how many of the little things you have.

So! I have a very cunning plan! Aha! In two weeks we are splitting the kids up and having a girls weekend and a boys weekend. I will be traveling to vancouver with the girls for two nights and, if all goes according to plan, that should be the end of operation booby drop.

Or not. Because i have spoken of these things MANY times before.

With apologies to SJ.

My boobies? They, actually have already dropped. Eight years straight of breastfeeding will do that. Shane has sympathy now though because, apparently, gwyneth paltrow wants a boob job now because of breastfeeding apple. Ha! If it's good enough for her, then hell ya! I get new boobs too!

But, i have been slowly weaning parker. He's hands-free all day - has been for quite some time. It's the nights. It's not really sleeping when he wakes me every hour is it? I'll just call it night-time cause it sure ain't sleep time. Anyway, when he wakes up i tell him "okay parker but just one minute." He says; "okay mommy, just one minute." And? It's actually working! One minute 47 times a night. Or thereabouts.

And tonight? Tonight i left before bedtime, the only more than a minute portion of the evening. When i came home he was asleep and then? Awake! I ran upstairs and lifted up my shirt at the ready and he said "i want some water." And i gave him some, out of his new elmo straw juice box thingy. But, that's not the best part.

The best part? He went right back to sleep. No booby!

Thank you very much.

A little late, but, better late than never.

I won't go into details why christmas sucked the big pudding. Suffice it to say that a sensitive mother needs support from her spouse - not the biggest grump-ass scrooge ever on christmas morning.

But. But! Dear ingrid internet the weaning has begun! Parker is sleeping in his sesame street cute as hell toddler bed.

At bedtime we talked about being a big boy and that big boys sleep in big boy beds and, most definitely, do not wake up every hour for booby. He seemed to agree. And i agreed.

And, though my heart is breaking, this is what i need. I need sleep. But, it's hard to say goodbye to my last little baby and those special moments. It's going to take me awhile to get over this.

Last weekend when my parents came to visit they stayed in a somewhat fancy hotel in Victoria. They can't stay with me because of the filth.

Anyway, we drove down saturday morning with our four kids plus a friend of Tristan's to visit and torment the hotel staff. After we all went swimming the kids were starving and so we went to the somewhat fancy hotel restaurant that was hoping to trick you into believing it was a fancy restaurant. They were THRILLED to see me, my mom and five filthy kids.

The kids were very well behaved if i do say so. The waiter came to take everyone's orders. He went around the table asking each child. When he got to Parker Parker sat up in the huge chair (no highchairs please we are fancy) and said clear as day "i would like booby."

****my kids nor my house are filthy, they are just kids and a house with four kids and two dogs constantly destroying it. i have to say this because i can't believe how many people actually believe everything i say.

By way of an update please read the brief below:

Parker is asleep. He is asleep and he has only nursed once today. I am giving myself a little time here. 2006. That's my goal. So, i have a few weeks to complete this task. But, i am holding strong, despite waking up with a 24 hour backend flu bug this morning that rendered me unconscious on the couch all day. I think my immune system is still week from the pneumonia and the little bug that Toby had at the beginning of the week spread like wildfire straight to me. Lucky me.
******
What should i be taking to boost my immune system?
*******
The christmas presents have been bought, sort of. Parker is getting an easel, it is only to be used for chalk in the short term as he still draws on everything. I freecycled our old one in the summer. That's okay though because i fancy a new wooden one. I am so over the Little Tykes plastic.

The other kids, in case you want to know are as follows:
Toby - 100 army men, an army castle and Trouble board game
Tristan - Harry Potter Scene It game, Hermione time turner necklace and many books
Eliza - My Little Pony Stuffy, Fur Real Twins, Light Brite

There's other stuff, but that's the gist of it.
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The shoes are still in the bag. I showed them to shane and his eyes lit up a bit. But, i am questioning my ability to walk in them. I think they may be returned. Stay tuned.
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Happy Turkey Day to all my american friends. Our turkey is due to be put in the freezer next week. Today i watched the PeTa turkey video. My turkey has it REALLY good. He freaks me out though.

Shane once wrote a poem about me that had the line:

she gives me a sore back like a job

Well, tonight parker has given me a sore back. Seriously, i want to tear my brain out and send it out with the recycling. I want to gouge my eyeballs out with my Dr Sears endorsed boppy pillow.

Parker has reached that unfortunate stage of not really needing a nap, but not quite being able to make it through the day without one. Some days, the good days, he doesn't nap and goes to bed and zonks out in seconds at 7pm. Other days, yes like today, he has a nap and then it is my own private hell when i try to put him to bed. TWO HOURS i spent lying beside him. Coaxing him, bribing him with booby, pleading with him, and eventually yelling. I yelled at my perfect little two year old boy. Then i called Tristan, my future mother 8 year old, and she tried. Because she's seen all this before. She feels my pain. Parker wanted nothing to do with his big sister.

Frustration won and i lost my cool. I hate that. Eventually, i stood at the end of the bed and said "GO TO SLEEP! SHUT YOUR EYES!" And exhaustion beat him and he succumbed.

But, you can write this down. Because this time i mean it. Tomorrow he shall say goodbye to the booby. AND he will go to sleep on his own. At least, begin to learn to do that. I will begin 2006 free from breastfeeding and co-sleeping. Mark my words internet. This is it!

I'm kicking myself for wanting to be different when i had my first child and opting into the attachment parenting phenomenon. Not that it's been all bad. I treasure those moments sleeping with my little babies and waking up to their smiling faces beside me. But the lack of sleep. The constant waking. The mommy-brain. I. Can't. Do. It. Anymore.

He did, however, because he's perfect except for the sleep thing, pee on the potty three times today. He kills me with cuteness. As he was "washing the dishes" while i made dinner he declared "OH! I have to go pee.... i've got work to do!" And off he trotted to the bathroom to sit on his little potty seat. (What do you do with that penis when they sit on the seat anyway? I am constantly tucking it down for him. But i don't think i can do that forever. Right? Right!) And then he wiped. A lot. Wiping is the reward when you're a potty training toddler. All that toilet paper! Pure bliss. Piece by piece. At some point i will break the news that boys don't wipe, gross things that they are.

And so you see i just want to love him because he is the cutest thing ever. I don't want to be mad at him every night.

Sorry crazy homeschooling lady that keeps emailing me - Dr Sears and his sidekick wife can still kiss my sleep-deprived ass.

Eliza has mastered the look that embraces the way i feel.

We came home early (yesterday) due to Eliza's explosive belly. My parents, who live in fear of the flu, had my bags packed and in the car within minutes of the vomitus eruptis. All mission plans were aborted and i am still sleep-deprived and parker is still the booby man.

I am, however, feeling better.

We had a joyous evening of trick'r treatin. As a bonus when we moved here we happened to move into a neighbourhood where everybody goes full throttle into halloween. Although all the houses are on two acre parcels we live on a loop that is about two kilometers around. It's the perfect poop you out trick'r treat romp. Probably 20 houses. Each house handing over oodles of treats and in some cases cans of pop? and full size chocolate bars. Thank-you wealthy country retirees.

Parker is getting sick and sat the whole time in the stroller, cozy in his pumpkin costume eating lollipops. Eliza,as the angel, made it the whole way without a complaint. Toby (dracula) and his friends Nicky and Roman, characters from the Matrix complete with shaved heads!, yelled out "awesome" and "double awesome" every time they saw a firework. And Tristan the Port-a-potty! Let me tell you that girl can rock out the cardboard box costume. She collected more candy than anyone as she was (a) so original, (b) she ducked down in the box at every door step and when they answered popped her head out yelling "trick or stink!", and (c) well she's Tristan and beautiful and cute and funny even dressed up as a toilet.

Photos coming later today. I was a little remiss in the taking of photos as the day was such a huge mess of business, but hopefully, i got a few decent ones.

When we got home i got Parker into bed and lay down beside him and he said "really need booby."