I'm thinking it's probably a good thing i didn't end up being a stay-at-home mom to four school aged children.

Although i have had more days with sick kids around than not since school started in september, these days when i am home alone for five hours? I go stir crazy.

I think i don't know how to be alone. I know i don't know how to be alone.

I have friends that lunch, and yoga, and hike. Sometimes i think i should be doing those things. I should be climbing mountains, drinking wine over raunchy conversation, teetering around in high heels and put together bodies.

I should have friends. I joined Bitches Who Brunch knowing full well i would never, absolutely ever, show up.

I am socially inept. I am exactly what people think of when they hear about women who spend their days on twitter and facebook. I am a geek.

Geek sounds too romantic.

I am the living, breathing picture of social anxiety.

I can get all up in your face on the internet because i don't have to talk to you. I don't use any live chat applications, i rarely answer emails, i log in to skype in the very wee hours of the night to talk to one person. I never go "online."

I am alone, i choose to be alone, but i feel paralyzed by being alone.

Mondo Beyondo has started and it is so very challenging. Challenging in a terrifying and beautiful way.

Putting pen to paper, not fingers to keyboard. There is something so different about that. In a strange way it is so much harder to be truthful and honest with yourself in ink. A piece of paper that is so fleeting, yet so permanent. It is like i am tattooing these words on my arm.

My dreams, my values, people that inspire me, finding hope to fill my empty heart. The part of my heart that is not filled by the great love that is my children. The very small list of people whom i cherish.

To change my life. To chase my dreams, whatever they may be.

Mondo has come at the perfect time. After years of challenges and loss and sickness i am ready to begin again. To take all the good and perfect things and let the rest fall on the path that is behind me. I am ready to be fresh faced and excited by the second half of my life.

I'm afraid i've lost my way.

I've been in a blip. A little slip. I've done and said some stupid things. It's not a surprise, but it caught me by surprise. Things were moving along, getting better.

I know exactly what it is. The change of season, all the different stresses. The new custody schedule. The loneliness. The lack of focus.

I love summer. I bloom and flow in summer. Roll with the punches. Hey! Nothings gonna get me down!

I always come around again and i know i will this time. I have exciting things happening this month.

I guess i don't have much to say today. That is how i feel. I don't have much to say and so i say nothing at all. I sit in my bed and i sleep and i read and i think. I need to add dreaming to that.

I finally feel organized. Money sorted out, appointments made, house clean, children happy.

And now it is my time. Time for me to become the person i want to be. Time to continue on my goal of challenging myself.

I have signed up for Mondo Beyondo in october. It's a nice, small step for me. I don't have to actually *see or talk* to anybody in person. I can't challenge myself too much all at once.

I also signed myself up for bookcamp in vancouver. Bookcamp happens to take place the day after my birthday, so it is my gift to myself.

I have this book rumbling through my heart and body. It has been knocking around in there for over a year and this is the year i'm going to spill it out onto page and paper.

Putting this all out there to create a little pressure for myself.

xo