I have been thinking about time, the passing of years. I am half way through my life if my genes are any indication. My lifestyle, on the other hand, could put some variables in that equation.

Stress. I try to remain calm. I try to let things happen as they may, repeating over and over in my head "things always work out as they are supposed to." But stress gets the better of me often. Sometimes it's the mornings, getting the kids to school. It's actually more like forcing them to school. Pretty much every day i have one child who refuses to go and i have to physically shove them in the car and then drag them to class. Sometimes it's money. Handing over all my tips to the babysitter, realizing that i've come out even with a gas tank blinking on empty.

Sleep. I love the nights. I love staying up late when the house is silent except for the crackling of the fire. Aimlessly cruising around the internet, curled up in bed reading until i have to close one eye to still see the words. This late night lust leads to lack of sleep and morning struggles. I just can't break the habit. No matter how tired i am in the day i always perk up at night. I think my sleep debt after all the years of child-induced sleep deprivation and the following years of being a night owl is reaching epic proportions.

Food. Although i love food. I love the ritual of cooking for my family. I love dining out. Although i love all those things there are very few days that go by where i actually manage to eat properly, instead i focus my energy on feeding the kids and the customers.

I realize at this midway point in my life i need to take on a healthier attitude about my life, but in so many ways it suits me just fine.

It's canadian thanksgiving this weekend, because we like to do everything a little differently.

This year we are not eating our own turkey. We're not even having turkey, just a small roast chicken with my four lovely children and my beautiful husband.

I have so many things to be thankful for this year. Mostly, i am thankful for effexor. The rain has started in earnest. We might get a little bit of snow at some point, but from now till may it's pretty much rain and days that never get fully light. I am also thankful that my children are all healthy, and i, for the most part have been a good mother to them.

Last night at dinner eliza looked at me with her big brown eyes wide open shaking her head earnestly;

"mom, you know what carter says all the time in kindergarten? Fucking."

Tristan and toby's jaws nearly hit the floor.

Still shaking her head earnestly, with no trace of a smirk "he does. really."

I am so thankful for those big brown eyes, the innocence of youth and the word fucking coming out of the sweetest five year old girl in the world.

My children, as i suspect most others, are very fussy eaters. I started with all the best intentions. Offering a variety of foods right from the start. I remember making my own organic baby food and offering lots of green vegetables to go along with the sweet potato and banana. As they got older i would use the food grinder to give them whatever tasty offering we were having for dinner.

Then they got older and impressionable. Then they had older brothers and sisters that were fussy. And now every night when i put dinner on the table i am met with a chorus of noses in the air whilst repeating their mantra "what else is there?!"

There are very few meals i can make that they will all eat; spaghetti w/meat sauce, spaghetti w/meatballs, sausages with broccoli and cheese sauce, tofu and snap peas w/rice, tacos, burgers, marinated flank steak w/salad and roast chicken w/ the trimmings. That's about it. I know it might not look that bad, but there are 365 nights in a year and we never eat out because of eliza's allergies and eight meals get old pretty fast.

Amazingly one other meal has recently entered our repertoire and this is really freaky. Freaky in a "what the hell is wrong with my children?" kind of way. They love, LOVE, mussels, clams and scallops. In a coconut, curry broth. In linguine like the kennedys make. Pan-fried. You name it, they'll eat em and even call them "ears." As in "i want more ears!"

Last night in an effort to expand our repertoire a bit i asked a friend with equally fussy kids what hers like and she suggested meat balls with cheesy tomato rice. Sounds a little too Kraft casserole for me, but i decided i'd try it. Because the cooking is killing me. I love to cook really good food, full of fresh aromatic ingredients. I'm a good cook. I can't keep cooking the same things.

So, i called the kids for dinner, brought out a dish of meatballs (turkey tonight) and was met with a chorus of "meatballs! yum!" Then i went and got the casserole with rice, tomato sauce and cheese. I placed it on the table and lifted the lid. Toby burst into hysterical tears. No words or complaints just huge heaving tears because i had done the ultimate sacrilige, the mixing of the foods. Without permission or warning. I had mixed flavours and food groups. Horror.

Eliza tried some, burst into tears and barfed ONTO her plate. Tristan ran from the room gagging and screaming. And parker. The boy of spring loaded gag reflex. He vomited upon seeing the vomiting.