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We went to the christmas tree farm this afternoon. After wandering around in the freezing cold all five of us magically agreed on the same tree. It was a christmas miracle.

We picked a tree that seemed reasonable in height and girth. Toby was the master of the saw and laid on the cold wet ground and sawed his little heart out. Tristan and toby carried the tree all the way back to the car while parker, eliza and i goofed around.

We managed to get the tree on top of my car and then in the house. I'm always a little proud of myself when i get something like this done. Nothing is that difficult, just ominous - especially when you are used to things happening with another adult around.

We did learn one valuable lesson which i think the christmas tree farm would be prudent to post somewhere, the lesson? Trees look much smaller outside than they actually will be when you get them inside your house and discover you are going to have to completely rearrange your furniture and possibly give up an entire room for said tree to fit in.

We also decorated the tree without any battle or controlling behavior on anybody's part. It was a great day.

I woke up early this morning and quietly shut bedroom doors to sleeping babies as i crept downstairs to light a fire and put on the coffee.

Shuffling around on cold wood floors, waiting for coffee to brew, listening to the cedar spit and crack. It feels like autumn this morning. Another change. I can hardly wait to put on my boots and wrap scarves around my neck.

Listening to Monsters of Folk echo off all the closed doors. I wander down to the dock, coffee steaming, fuzzy boots warming my bare toes.

The mist over the lake is magical this morning. The house is quiet behind me. Whose dog was that howling and barking over the lake in the middle of the night?

I want to sit in a cabin, all alone, with my thoughts. sit and listen to them until this all makes sense.

This house is beautiful. i can't shake the feeling of not having a home. i long for my things. i miss my desk. i miss my bed. i miss a house that feels like home.

This week marks the first time i have all of my kids in school full time. I have about five hours alone. Every single day.

I am finding myself lost in this time. Unsure of what to do with myself. I clean. I do laundry. I even turned on the tv this morning and watched a few minutes of "The View" (totally do not 'get' tv). Bored after a couple minutes i turned it back off.

Even the computer is boring me.

I think i'm having trouble trying to figure out what i am supposed to do with time. I need to write a list. A list of thing to do, things to do for me. My new camera is not here yet, but i know that will take up some fun time and hopefully inspire me to start that new project i have been wanting to do.

I need to get past this missing of little voices in the house. I need to enjoy the silence. Sit and listen to what is happening in my head.

have a great one! i know we will.

The first week of school is wrapping up. We have started a new custody schedule with the kids. I now get to have them on all my nights off and one work night, which means a babysitter only once a week. I'm really excited about it.

I also pick them up from school every day, so not a day will go by that i don't see them. Perfect.

Parker has started grade one and it's been tough on me not to have a little buddy around for most of the day. Another strange and sad step in parenting. He is totally ready for this major change, he loves being around his friends all day and hanging out with toby and eliza at recess.

Things are coming together for the kids and i am so thankful for that. And i get to have them all weekend and i'm not working. Tonight calls for movies and yummy food and a family sleepover in the living room.

Man, this daylight savings thing is really kicking our butts. We have trouble getting to bed, we have trouble getting up, we have trouble not being cranky.

This morning i woke up to silence at 8am. Nobody was awake yet. Being the slacker mom i am i immediately thought, meh - let's be late. I fell back asleep for a few minutes then all four kids came and joined me in bed. We giggled and laughed and taught parker the monkeys in the bed song. Pushing each of them out in fits of laughter.

It was nice. I like it when mornings start slow and relaxed with a nice moment of tenderness, it sets a good mood for the day.

It ended abruptly this morning as i felt guilty for being so slack and anticipating the "look" from the principal as i shuffled them into classes late. I rushed through a shower, shouting as i got in "20 minutes!" Then yelling again every five minutes till i was slinging my bag over my shoulder and rushing out to the car.

As it turned out my time and their time had not met when i jumped out of bed. I had started the morning slow and easy and then jarred them into rush mode. They didn't adapt. They were not ready. Socks weren't on, homework hadn't been found, lunches sat on the counter. And i snapped.

I found myself honking the horn like a lunatic in the driveway, feeling my blood pressure rise as i watched them scramble to find everything through the window.

I hate it when i do that. I set the tone and then i screw it all up by expecting them to behave like me. To get themselves ready in a blink when they are just kids - whimsical and slow.

I ended up pulling over to the side of the road halfway to school and apologizing for expecting too much from them and telling them that it wasn't fair of me to let them sleep in and have fun without explaining that we would still have to rush.

All of this to say daylight savings is a stinkeye.

It struck me the other day that the list of things i'll never have again is getting longer. Not a great revelation, but it bothered me.

I will never wander around the park with a baby in a carrier rubbing and smelling their sweet head under mine.

I will never have the joy of toddler babble fill my house again.

I will never fall asleep in the rocking chair at 4 in the morning with a newborn in my lap.

The list is miles long.

This passing of time is such a slap. It sucks in so many ways because all those little moments of joy are gone forever and no matter how hard i sit and meditate on the memory, it is only a memory. A faint recall. The smell? I remember it was great, but i can't smell it again. The sound? It was intensely cute, heart filling. I don't remember it. I remember i loved it all. But, it's gone now.

Sure, there's still a ton of good stuff to come. Bring it on. I just miss the parts that have already been played.

It's thanksgiving weekend. We didn't have turkey, we had ribs. I was going to make a big dinner with all the trimmings, but life got in the way. I stayed up late last night making a photo album from my flickr photos. Going through four years of photos is a great way to remember all the good times, all the things you have to be thankful for.

I am thankful for my children. I am thankful for this life. I am thankful that life has been sometimes difficult because it has let me see the value in the good things. The small things. The big things. The love that i am surrounded by and sometimes take for granted. I am thankful that my children live in this amazing country, that they live a life free.

I am thankful for the internet. The access to information, entertainment and friends. I am thankful for this website and it's record of my life. I am thankful for you.

School starts in a few short weeks and i am sad. This summer has gone by in a whirlwind of working, camping, lakeside fun and beginning fresh.

We have packed up most of our two households and made many runs to the dump, the recycling, the salvation army and a storage locker. On thursday night we closed on a new home, each of us contributing fifty percent of the down payment. Equal partners.

Tomorrow i will go and enroll the kids in new schools.

My life has this theme of constant change. I am tired of it. I am hopeful that this move will be our last for a very long time. That we will be happy as a family again.

Shane and i have had an amazing month together. It has been painful and hard, but open and honest. We know how the problems started, we know about mistakes that were made. Now we just have to learn how to keep on this positive track together. It's not all a bunch of roses. There have been minor setbacks and some angry words passed. All of these things happen because we care. We care about each other and we care about ourselves.

We are terrified of ever going through another year like this. There are moments of trepidation and fear. There are moments of anger and resentment. There are many moments of quiet contentment.

Things are going just fine without the kids. I've gotten in this zen of knowing they are okay and enjoying the break from babysitters and early mornings after late nights at work.

I spent several hours on the beach yesterday and came up with a beautiful and sad story that i think is the beginnings of my new novel. I don't think i'll save it for NaNoWriMo. I think i will start plugging away. It's exciting. Getting to be a speaker at BlogHer has invigorated me.

In previous years the days and weeks leading up to the conference had me worried about clothes and white teeth. This year i'll have none of that. P-shaw trivial worries. I'm just excited to get there. Embrace the chaos of the conference.

I feel on an upswing for no particular reason. Just happy to be alive and coming through, coming full circle.

My life is so far from perfect, but it is my little life.

I wish i had written more this year because i hardly remember a thing. This year, first year, post loss of marriage and the life i expected has been so very difficult. I can hardly give justice to the emotions that i have gone through. The complete heartbreak, guilt, shame, pride, exhaustion. Everything coming full circle on a daily basis. It has been so tiring. Just this bone weary tired. I never thought i could fight my way through a year like this, but i have.

And here i am, full circle. Off to the conference, healthy in mind and body - well healthier - and feeling ready to take it all in. This year i am not broken. I am healing. I am alone, yet loved in so many ways that were unimaginable to me in the past. I am just so grateful and thankful. Tonight i am happy.

A few weeks ago i went for a fabulous meal at a local french restaurant. In between your appy and your main they serve an intermezzo. An intermission for your palate between two courses. Two wonderful plates of food.

I am taking an intermezzo.

The things i am going through and talking through are far too intimate to share here. I will be back soon. I will probably post some photos.

Thank-you for all your kind words and support.

This week my kids are on their second week of spring break. I am running a spring break camp at the school. All five of us are dragging our sleepy butts out of bed at 7am every morning to come and play for ten hours a day. Many parts of me are wondering what the heck i was thinking spending long days taking care of 12 children.

But, when we roll in to bed completely exhausted at 8 pm and sleep soundly i know we are having great days.

It is a good reminder for me, looking after other children. It reminds me that my children are just as happy, and in many ways happier, than other kids. They have their little quirks. But they are filled with challenges, love and activity. They are great little humans who are confidant about their places in the world.

There are better ways we could spend our break. We could be in hawaii. But this place? The school they are completely comfortable at, surrounded by friends and wide open fields? This is perfect childhood bliss for them.

We went to Rainbows last night. It is such a fantastic program. It tugs at my heart strings when they talk about loss. The loss of a family. But, it has been really great for the kids to see that the experience they are going through, the feelings, are not theirs alone. That other kids are experiencing the same things.

Separation has taken a turn for the worse this week as money issues get involved. I am reminded once again how little value is placed on being a stay-at-home mom. I have actually been questioned how i contributed to the family. It hurts me so much to see myself valued at zero dollars when i gave up ten plus years of my life to raise my children. And they are fantastic children. The value in that is not measurable.

I don't want to drag this through the broken internet waters. But i am just so dismayed by just how slowly we have come along as a society in valuing family.

On the other hand toby got out of bed this morning and said "mom? mom! you are the best mom ever. No really. I can't think of a better mom than you."

Just in time for the final race to christmas morning my daughter grew cat legs.

Oh well.

Things are great. The kids are eagerly finishing their final day of school. We are off on monday morning to have a lovely christmas with my family. Gifts are bought. Kids are happy. I am happy.

Have a lovely weekend.

Here i am dancing in my kitchen before i headed out to a staff party where according to the principals of social anxiety i drank too much and was home in bed at 10. Party girl i am.

Today was boys day. Yesterday was girls day.

The kids are doing well. Moments of sadness. Moments of grief. Really, it's going better than i could have hoped.

They have been spared any of the public humiliation that i have felt. I have been keeping them very close to me though.

The comment on my last entry about the man i had an affair with was from a parent at the school. People assuming they know an entire story. Assuming they know me. And judging me based on assumptions. At times i feel like leaving the school. But i won't because i know it is a great place for my children.

hobbes - internet

Th problem with having the kids monday to friday is that my time with them is wrapped up in school, activities and playdates. We never get to *really* spend time together.

This morning we declared family day.

After waking up groggy we headed back to bed. Parker, eliza and toby began a quiet game in their rooms and tristan and i settled back in for a two hour snooze. Smiling at each other through the doorway. It was the most relaxing morning i've had in a long time.

This working ten shifts a week is starting to wear me down.

We went out for brunch and bought some new clothes for the kids. Trying to build up their wardrobes at my house. Toby has decided that track pants are his friend which is fine by me as they are only $8 per pair. Tristan and eliza are bonding over clothes and beading. Sharing a room is helping them to finally forge a sisterly bond. Parker refused to even look at clothes and then had a minor spaz in the car on the way home because he didn't get any. That boy. He is as difficult as ever. The temper of a grown man stuck in traffic.

I forgive him though. I was the youngest of four too. I understand how difficult it can be.

I am getting ready for my evening work. The kids and i snuggled on the couch, warmed by the wood stove. Not a single complaint about a babysitter tonight.

It was a good day.

Children tend to process things quickly. Wearing their hearts on there sleeve so to speak. My kids were instantly sad, angry, confused when they found out about the split in my marriage. Over the past five weeks they have continued to process and let me know exactly how they are feeling. Be it telling me directly or kicking me in the shin repeatedly.

I have been doing a lot of reaqding on children and divorce. I think, the key here being the "i think", that kids are resilient and can handle much more than we give them credit for. Including divorce. What they can't handle is when we, their parents, don't handle the situation well. How i talk about and process this divorce is key to my children processing it in a positive way.

It's okay for me to be sad or angry. It's okay for me to talk to them about it.

Retreating to bed. Angry outbursts. All the self-centred hokey-pokey that i may be inclined to do is not okay.

I think i am doing these things. The positive things. For me, the key to letting go and moving on, is helping my children to do the same.

I have been clunking away on my ten year old laptop. No flickr, no twitter, no iphoto or itunes. It's been tough. All my coping mechanisms gone. I have ordered a new macbook pro and am eagerly awaiting it's arrival.

I rented a house today. Damage deposits paid. Wood ordered for wood stoves. Furniture to beg, borrow or steal.

A new life to begin.

I have taken a second on-call serving job at a local fine dining establishment as well as being a teacher's assistant at the school part time.

Things are coming together.

And falling apart.

The kids are doing well. I am worried about them. I will do my best. I wake up each morning and think that i am going to make it the best damn day possible for them. I wake up in the middle of the night to find them all in my bed with me. We sleep soundly. Happily together in sadness and fun.

I miss the dogs and the kitty.

I am feeling much better. More grounded. Thoughts are still swirling in my head, but i realized that they are there because i have so many things going on. Pulled in so many directions.

The other night in the midst of panicing that i was getting very manic i forgot to stop and listen to my body. Which, contrary to my belief, was not all that manic, but in the middle of a several day long anxiety attack.

School has begun with a joyous gusto. The kids are happy and i am happy to walk in the school and enjoy the fruits of my labour. All my hard work as president is showing. Things are running as they should - all the little kinks ironed out.

The sun came out again this afternoon so we rushed to the lake as we are always anticipating the last swimming day as autumn approaches. We were the only ones on the beach. Our favourite beach - not private, but secret, for locals only. I sat and listened to my ipod as the kids laughed and ran like carefree kids. It was a magical afternoon.

Another day to be thankful for. I will be thankful for this day. Always. A chance to stop for a few hours and calmly enjoy my children. The waterfalls built in the sand, toby finally confident in his swimming, eliza writing words in the sand - so proud of her emergent reader status, parker reading a book quietly on his blanket and tristan laughing and giggling with her best friend - still a child.

A day late as usual. I hope you notice i spelt mum the way you like it. I never really understood why you spelled it that way until i heard you explaining it to Eliza. The soft "u." And you are a soft you. I love you.

I wanted to tell you i'm sorry. Having a daughter who clings to my legs constantly has made me realize how hard it was for you having me cling to you as a child. It was only because i adored you. Worshipped every moment with you. When you went out to work i was sad to see you go.

As a grown up with four children of my own i admire you for all you did. I hope that i can be half as motivated and determined as you were as a young mother. Everything you did, you did so well. Whether building a playground at the school, volunteering to coach the track team, teaching preschool, selling real estate - you did it all with gusto and success. I am proud of you.

I am also sorry for the years 1985-1987, 1994 and the past six months. I know you worry about me. I know you don't know how to help. But, rest assured, you are helping. Checking in on the phone.

Most importantly you should know that how i feel is no reflection on you. I am who i am, who i have always been. I will be okay.

I love you. Happy Mother's Day.

I was looking at my oldest daughter today as she ran through the house looking for some aveeno for her dry skin. She was naked, fresh from the shower, red bummed and still very much a little girl.

Yet, soon she will be ten years old.

Ten years. Where does the time go.

I've been thinking about that. Time. My life has felt so long. At moments too long. Like waiting for this suffering to end.

But then? But then i look at my kids. I look at that picture. I think about all the things i have done from 26-36 years of age. The woman i have become.

I am proud of who i am. I am proud of the children i have. I am proud to have four kids who make me happy, frustrated, sad, in love, madder than i ever thought i could be. I am happy for the life they have given me.

And so another holiday is over, another year is almost over.

We have been in a whirlwind of travel and family. On the road since the 22nd with a brief fourteen hour stop at home for christmas morning.

Many houses, many family get-togethers, lovely food, beautiful babies, tired kids, travelling kittens and one too many glasses of mulled wine.

I'm not sure how it all came together, but it did. It has become the best christmas, i think, since i had children. They are a little bit older, a little bit easier to keep entertained and a lot more appreciative of family.

I am sitting looking out at a beautiful harbour surrounded by snowcapped mountains on saltspring island.

Wearing a beautiful necklace that shane gave me, watching my kids play chess and cars. Surrounded by my husbands family who are the friendliest, most beautiful people in my world.

It is nice to just sit. Have the kids run around happy without worrying about dishes and laundry and cooking. We are headed home tomorrow to finish out the holiday week with some organizing and cleaning and relaxing on the couch.

It's canadian thanksgiving this weekend, because we like to do everything a little differently.

This year we are not eating our own turkey. We're not even having turkey, just a small roast chicken with my four lovely children and my beautiful husband.

I have so many things to be thankful for this year. Mostly, i am thankful for effexor. The rain has started in earnest. We might get a little bit of snow at some point, but from now till may it's pretty much rain and days that never get fully light. I am also thankful that my children are all healthy, and i, for the most part have been a good mother to them.

Last night at dinner eliza looked at me with her big brown eyes wide open shaking her head earnestly;

"mom, you know what carter says all the time in kindergarten? Fucking."

Tristan and toby's jaws nearly hit the floor.

Still shaking her head earnestly, with no trace of a smirk "he does. really."

I am so thankful for those big brown eyes, the innocence of youth and the word fucking coming out of the sweetest five year old girl in the world.

In a comedy of errors i am at my parents house and unable to post because i banned their IP address a few months ago. (shane is posting this for me via email.) I am visiting my brother who is in from
sweden with his own internet love story.

As i try and re-assimilate into the land of real people and real time, as opposed to sleep deprived california time, my body is telling me all the ways in which i have abused it. I'm pretty sure i left my liver in california. Also, the whole time i was there i thought i was allergic to my new sephora make-up. My eyes were constantly red and watering. As it turns out this country girl can't handle a little pollution. Kind of goes hand-in-hand with my despair over the lack of recycling at the conference. I kept telling people "it is sooo bad..." Nobody really seemed to care. Stupid canadians and their tree-hugginess.

Anyways. Eliza is sick again. Wheezy and coughing. I was thinking the other day how this could be my year without stays in the pediatric unit. I should never have thought that. I should have suppressed any little glimmer of hope. It's bad karma.

She has started her massive dose of steroids and once again i worry about her growth, her future and hope to get through tonight. I don't want to do this in a city that is not my own. A hospital that is not
my own. Not the place where my children were born and the halls speak volumes to me in good memories. Memories of pacing the halls waiting for babies to be born, shuffling to make tea in that postnatal limp, bringing babies home all smiles and anticipation for the future.

It's a little easier to be in a place like that with sick children.

It can be loneliest when you are surrounded by people you love. I love my family. I love them with everything i've got. Two brothers, one sister, me - the youngest.

I have always felt at odds with my family. Not quite understood. Not quite part of the family. But, so desperately wanting to be a part of things. A part of the whirlwind.

I suppose this is a theme in my life. I love to be surrounded by friends, yet i never know what to say or how to act and often end up alone in a corner watching the world go by.

I feel most at home, a part of the love, when i am surrounded by my own children and their friends. I love the company of children. I often retreat to the kids table or the playground. Running races and playing crazy eights. I haven't quite figured out this part of me. Why i am more comfortable in the company of children. Obviously i've created enough of them to keep me knee deep. Yet, at the loneliest times i wish it was easier to have a friend.

Tonight i got a message on my computer that my hard disk was full. When i asked shane he said that it was my photos. When i looked at my iPhoto i had 2843 pictures. So much life.

I spent a couple of hours going through it all. They date back to 1999. Sporadic. But they are there. Pictures of toby as a baby, then eliza and then lots of parker. I switched to all digital around the time parker was born in 2003.

But, my god, the life i have lived in the past nine years. It hurts me to think of how fast it is passing.

When tristan was born i cherished every single moment. Every milky smile. Every newborn stretch. Every ounce gained and inch grown.

And then toby was born, all colicky and complicated. A whirlwind. A whirlwind of babies and pregnancies and births and milestones.

Really. I am humbled by this life as i look at it in photos. I am struck by the beauty of it. I am in awe of all that i have to lose.

Thanks for letting me share it. Really.

I've been dealing with all kinds of heartache that i can't talk about, but in the interim things have been going great. I love spring. No, you don't understand. I spent the entire winter living just barely on this side of such sole crushing sorrow that i thought i wasn't going to survive. That life would never be the same for me.

And yet, here i am. Walking tall, collecting frogs at the river, inspecting every flower as it peeks through the soil, eagerly awaiting the birth of our chicks in ten days and generally enjoying every little detail of life. Including, of course, my beautiful children. I love spring.

You know what i don't love though? Being broke. More specifically being at the grocery store check-out knowing that you only have $85 in the bank and watching all the produce items check out at slightly higher than anticipated. Then, of course, the humiliation of having to put back items when you know damn well that every single one of those items is much needed, yes even the $3 belgian chocolate bar. I'm female dammit. I need chocolate during very specific moments and it has to be there when i need it.

Anyway, this happens to me pretty often. I'm wondering if i'm the only one. Judging from the scorn i get from the cashier i am definately a royal pain in the ass and making me feel bad about attempting to live without credit and within my means is totally okay and even encouraged. It's the same as all the people who make you feel like crap when your two year old throws a hissy in the middle of the automatic doors and won't get up.

But i will not let them wreck my fabulous spring. Even if it only lasts a few days. This spring is awesome, with or without credit.

I went to vancouver and i got a haircut (see up there) and i got a sad heart.

But then! I came home and it was spring and not just spring but practically summer!

Today we took the hammock out and i worked in the garden. I even raked up all the little bits of gravel from the driveway that had worked their way down the steps at the side of the house and filled up pot holes on the driveway.

Holy crap. Now THAT is exciting!

Seriously, when i am away from my home and shane, i lose all touch with reality. With the things that are important. The little beings that fill my heart with joy. The husband who loves me and i love to bicker with and make up with. Who drives me crazy by hanging his towel over the shower door every morning instead of on the rack when he know's i'm going to come in right after him and have to hang it up. That's what family is. Stinky socks, smelly morning breath, tickles in bed and toilets flushed while mommies are in the shower.

Parker is still trying to kill me. Seriously. Every night he wakes up several (and by that i mean at least six) times before i even get to bed. It is so frustrating not getting more than twenty minutes alone. But, you know, life is short and so am i. So today i realized that soon enough all of this will be over. Parker will be 3 and then 4 years old and i will have no more babies. I need to cherish every single frustrating moment like it's my last. Because it is.

but this makes it okay

The kids and i made a much needed escape and are spending the week in vancouver at my parents house. After so much sickness in the past few weeks it is lovely to be taken in by my mom and all i have to do is take care of my kids. She cooks and cleans and does all our laundry every day. If i'm lucky i'll get a few naps in with parker as well.

The kids have this week off school. I'm not sure why? Nobody else does, but we have our second spring break in less than a month. I always prefer them home with me than the hustle and bustle of school and activities. So the break comes at a perfect time. Plus? All the kids in vancouver are in school and it's not quite tourist season so we can visit all the kiddy places like the aquarium and science world in relative peace.

My mom and i spent the evening knitting (her), vegging on the couch (me) and gossiping about our family. A refresher in mother daughter basics.

I'm mentally numb. All the sleep deprivation from the past few weeks has caught up with me and judging from the haggard looking woman i see in the mirror it has kicked me in the ass.

I stole this meme from blackbird. Because i love her and her great clothes.

I AM: tired and suffering from low self esteem.
I WANT: to look fresher.
I WISH: i felt more comfortable in my own skin.
I HATE: violence.
I MISS: my husband.
I HEAR: wolf parade "this hearts on fire".
I WONDER: when life will be a little easier.
I REGRET: all the times i've yelled at my kids.
I AM NOT: crafty.
I DANCE: with my kids.
I SING: in the car.
I CRY: very rarely except when i'm pregnant.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: patient.
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: dough, lot's and lot's of dough.
I WRITE: often, but with very bad grammar - i almost bought "shoots, leaves and scores" on the ferry today.
I CONFUSE: the kids names with the dogs a lot.
I NEED: new sandals.
I SHOULD: show my parents how much i love them.
I START: an exercise program regularly.
I FINISH: everything, but exercise.
I TAG: chair and marian and T.