It's not vitamins. Vitamins can't fix a life.

Mondays are my very favourite day of the week. Well mondays and fridays. On monday and friday i don't work and i have the kids.

We have a very unusual custody schedule that involves plenty of back and forth. It allows me to spend both my nights off with them and means they only have a babysitter one or two nights a week. It also means i get to see them every single day as i do all the school picking up/driving maintenance stuff.

On mondays and fridays i make elaborate meals, catch up on school work and plan something fun for us to do.

Wednesday, thursday and sunday nights are my least favourite times because i don't have the kids. The house is empty, cold and lonely without them.

So, today was monday. The kids are all asleep and i do what i always do - wait till they are all sleeping and then poke around the house in and out of their rooms. Feeling foreheads, kissing noses and picking up stray lego bits.

It's funny, when they are not here i don't do anything around the house. I don't cook or clean. I don't even go in the kitchen. I work, i sleep and i sit in bed with my laptop. It's a waiting. A waiting for my family.

This past month has been a crazy one. Tons of working and not much else. Well, sadness and anxiety and worry.

I am feeling better today. I had some sort of epiphany over the weekend. Realized what was important and what was causing me stress. How i want my life to look and the hard steps i need to take to get there.

Most importantly i want to be happy and healthy.

I am not very healthy right now. I have a terrible diet. I even went more than a few days without eating this past month. That was my first clue that my life was reaching toxic levels in terms of my mental health. Waking up in the morning feeling completely depleted, realizing that i hadn't eaten the previous day. I wanted to eat, but thinking about it was overwhelming. Cooking was out of reach. Restaurants suck when you spend most of your time in one.

So, today i ate. I ate a lovely meal with my children. I ate lunch too.

I have also been feeding a sort of manic impulse to be bad. Not that bad. More of a fueling of pre-divorce rage. Raging against the dying of the night. Or something like that. Staying up too late. Hanging out with the wrong people.

All of this to say i am doing better. As for my mouth i have an appointment january 7th in vancouver where i shall get part of me cut out and examined and hopefully be on the road to a healthy body without cancer cells in it.

In between then i intend to have a mighty chawesome holiday season. Thanks to Jeremy for my new favourite word.

I am coming back for you, leave the house after supper
meet me at Low Gap, I will come with two horses, one in each
hand, they will be striped with darkness and the shadow
of deep wells.

"The Jesse James Poems" Paulette Jiles

The one thing i fail to learn, year in, year out, is that expectations will get you nothing. Expectations will give you sleepless nights and stomach aches, longing and doubt, disappointment.

My birthday weekend turned out to be full of antibiotics and changes of plans and making do with what was on hand.

The kids and i had a great time together, which at the end of the day when i look in my heart and think of what i truly want - it is special moments and memories with them. We played laser tag and hung out with family. I was a little off because of a nasty infection, but my sister, the doctor, quickly sorted me out. I was a little off because i had expected to see friends and have some time to myself and my dreams. I was a little off.

The kids mirrored my mood, my mood swings. We all swung high to low, glee to anger. It was a challenging weekend. I have to remind myself that holidays are especially difficult for them. We are not together as a nuclear family, we are together as a new family. Post-nuclear.

I have to learn to limit my expectations to what they can handle, what is best for them. Save my dreaming for my time without them.

I had the best weekend. The way friendship can wrap you up and make you feel whole again. The way you can say and do anything. And laughter. The laughter is still ringing in my ears and making me happy.

My friend christle and i wound our way down to the city to meet up with andrea and a friend of hers for an amazing dinner. We talked and ate and ate some more and did it all with wine pairings and muscat and herbal tobacco. It was decadent and silly. Andrea and i have been friends in the computer for years, but have never met in person though all signs pointed to us being fast friends. And we were.

After dinner we wandered over to the theatre to see band of horses who i fully admit to being my biggest crush in the world. They are so lovely and fill my heart with happiness every single time i see them live.

Andrea and i hung out in the lobby during the first band and spoke of love and loss and new happiness that is coming and is here.

As christle and i wound our way back up the highway i laughed and told her "this is what i do and i'm going to do it for you." And i put fleetwood mac "rumours" on and sung my heart out all the way home. It was so silly and funny and i did it unabashedly. because some things you can do in front of friends.

One of the few good things i can say about having shared custody of the children is the time it gives you. Time that, on occasion, is not filled with a yearning to see them.

Yesterday found me in the company of good friends, good food and floor tickets to see Kings of Leon in vancouver. I had a really good time in a whirlwind 24 hour trip. The show was good and loud and very rock and roll. And loud.

Today found me digging around in the dirt under my house searching for hidden treasures. The kids and i have met most of the neighbours already. Parkers little buddy from kindergarten lives right across the alley and the kids spent most of afternoon running between the houses, giddy with anticipation for the day we finally move in. A painful wait of eleven days while floors are torn up, foundations are poured and a beautiful eggplant coloured roof is put on.

Magical days.

What a wonderful week. Being, just being, with the kids has been magical and full of tiny little treasures. Moments i will hold close to my heart. Forever.

i promise to keep you in my heart forever.

As always, as humans, i am constantly moved by the passing of time. How we grow and change. How my oldest daughter, at twelve, feels suddenly like an adult beside me. We have the same shoe size and she is in spitting distance of growing taller than me. She is a magical creature. Full of grace and beauty. Understanding and kind. Fiery and ferocious. Precocious and cool. She is everything anybody could ask for in a girl. I am already fighting back the sad that she will probably be gone on to a lifetime of adventure in six short years. God i adore her.

promise me you will have a life full of adventure and love

The kids have been spending a large amount of time with my babysitter. She is an amazing young woman who treats them with respect and love and cares for them so well that i never worry, which is a magical thing. They go to the lake three or four times a day. How lucky we are to live here, to have a beach as close as a frisbee toss. I met them there after work the other night and being in the middle of a heatwave i marched right in the lake in all my work clothes. And they laughed and were full of glee to see me home early and there with them being silly. And parker suddenly knew how to swim. Something he couldn't do one week prior. I was momentarily sad to be missing these events, but so proud of him.

I feel lucky and proud and that my life suddenly, finally has a little magic in it.

i will always be there for each of you. i will see the grace.

Sweet, sweet summer vacation.

It has been a wonderful start to vacation. Camping in tofino was amazing, sleeping in every morning has been amazing, swimming at the lake every single day. In the summer i truly feel like we live in the very best place in the whole world. The whole town slows down. A constant stream of kids walking to and from the lake, swimsuits around their necks and quiet giggling with friends as they walk up and down the country roads.

The kids are really happy. I had hoped in my heart that once summer came and we spent so much time together that their spirits would be lifted just a little bit and this hard year would finally find some joy in it.

A few weeks ago i had a meeting with the counselor at the kids school. We talked about the atmosphere in my house, the fighting between the kids, my frustrations with their not listening to me. She was great and, as outsiders can often do, gave me some really great advice. So simple, yet i didn't see it. In my desire to make the kids happy i had become a push-over. Trying too hard to be their friend.

She said if i just became an authority figure again, was consistent with rules and consequences, my house would return to harmony.

And magic of magic, it has worked. The kids are listening to me. We are enjoying each other more than ever and the fighting has really subsided. They still fight, don't get me wrong on that one, but they are quicker to try and solve the problem before it erupts.

I see a really great summer ahead of us.

We stayed home from school today (i know) as we are all suffering horribly with seasonal allergies. My head feels like it is going to explode and the kids are up all night hacking, coughing and wheezing.

So, we stayed home. I had to run out on an errand and when i came home the girls had transformed the kitchen in to a lovely restaurant. Parker, toby and i were the customers. I ordered the orange juice and bagel with cream cheese and cucumbers from my lovely waitress, eliza.

Moments like these remind me how much i would love to homeschool. Remind me what a pleasure it is to be around kids with all their enthusiasm, energy and imagination.

My favourite thing about this little cottage i rent is my veggie garden. The girls and i spent a few hours last week weeding and laying out compost. We started some salad greens and they are already sprouting up.

I remember one spring when i was young my mom deciding to put in a vegetable garden. She spent hours digging up a huge area of grass in the backyard. I can still see her in her floral bikini top and shorts digging and shoveling and cursing. Coming in with a streaky sunburn on her back from my sloppy application of sunscreen. We spent that summer weeding and weeding and weeding. I think the weeds won out because i don't recall any vegetables except chives and pumpkins. In the fall that garden was reseeded with grass.

This is my second spring working this garden. I love it. For me gardening is the ultimate exercise in patience and reward. Having dirt under my nails gives me immense pleasure. It's satisfying work, it gives me time to relax and think while i squat in between beds pulling weeds and coaxing growth.

for where i live

for road trips

for cabins in the woods

for outdoor showers

for bad service

for surfer girls

for everything

for a perfect weekend.

The kids and i just spent three days in vancouver visiting family and friends. It was lovely and everything being with family is supposed to be.

I felt loved and supported. Family, i'm learning, is a wonderful thing. A team that is always there, listening and sharing.

On tuesday evening i went out for drinks with a very old friend. Someone who has known me for twenty years. We haven't seen each other in seven years, but within a few minutes all that time just disappeared. We talked and talked. About life, love and blogging/social networking. It made me realize how much i treasure this website and the way it has unfolded. The weaving road of my life cataloged in miniature clips. I can't remember ever sitting down and talking about this little world with somebody who understands it and shares my passion for it. It was inspiring. Gave me a little boost to keep on working at it, expanding what i do.

Mostly, going out that evening reminded me what a magical thing a friendship can be. Like family, a lifelong friend has an understanding and thoughtfulness on your life that comforts. A dynamic where you feel truly present and yourself. I miss my friends from the city.

I'm a little angry at myself for taking so long to make an effort, face my anxieties, and connect with people. I go to vancouver several times a year and this was the first time that i followed through on best intentions to see people. To open myself up to the possibility for fun.

It was a wonderful little visit. For the kids and me.

Tonight there is really not a whole lot to say.

Just a big sigh of relief and faith restored in what is right.

Thank you america.

The kids started at their new school yesterday. They did really well all things considered. It's still a small town, we knew tons of the kids and parents their already. The teachers were nice, the principal greeted us in the parking lot. It was all the things it should have been.

Yet it was very difficult. In many ways shane and i felt we had no choice but to leave our previous little school. The one i loved so much i became president. Everybody knew everything about us, they had chosen sides in the battle divorce, and one of us always lost out. Most often i lost out and in retrospect wasn't treated very kindly by some people.

But, i still loved that school. It will always be the best little school in the world to me.

There are positives with the new school. Nobody knows our story and we can tell them what we want. We can be private. We can create our life again. Toby will have access to all kinds of resources that he didn't have at a private school. We will be saving a large chunk of money every month. We can go to mexico in january with the money saved.

Parker doesn't start kindergarten until next week so we have been enjoying a reunion of our one on one time.

It's all good.

The kids and i had a day full of adventure. It's my day off and i wanted to pack in some fun so that i could avoid the chaos that is getting a house ready to go on the market.

We started at my house where a family of quail ran through the yard.

Then we did our garden harvest for the next couple of days. Behold the bounty:

Then off to the library, well on our way, parker serenaded us the whole way:

The boys did a little light reading:

The girls picked up some new shoes while we were in town:

Then we headed down to the big city to search chinatown for some bento stuff for school lunches (no luck with that.)

Tristan bought a jaunty hat:

We looked at some trinkets:

Saw some beautiful architecture:

Had the whole world in our hands:

About this time parker melted down and we piled back in the car and drove around our old neighbourhoods and i showed them the houses where they were born. Parker passed out and we headed back up the highway home and promptly got stuck in traffic:

Then we got home, ate dinner which included potatoes and squash from our garden and went out for a few errands. Shane talks on the phone while driving. Bad shane.

I found a babysitter! I found a babysitter!

Holy crap it's been a long search. I can't tell you what a relief it is to finally have someone who is available to watch the kids in the evening, is responsible, can drive and the very best part? She did the dishes!

Seriously, srsly, i went to work feeling like i could just do my job and not fret that the kids were unhappy.

She is close to my age, a PHd student, lives three blocks away, comes from a divorced family with three siblings and drives a car big enough to fit all my kids. I feel like, for the first time, the stars have aligned and things are going my way.

It seems like such a small thing, but the childcare issue has been such a problem for me.

Happy Canada day indeed.

After i finish work tonight i am headed to meet the kids at our favourite campsite. Summer has officially arrived.

The end of the school year was bittersweet. I resigned as president of the kids school because of some crazy politics. It's hard to give up something that you love and have poured so much energy into.

I really love that school. I'll just have to learn to love it in a different way. As a parent. As a wonderful place for my kids.

I can hardly wait to get away tonight and just be with the kids for a few days without work and life stress.

The beautiful sunset is calling my name.

I have been feeling fortunate. Fortunate for the good friends i have. I have said before that i don't have many. Friendship is difficult for me. But, more and more i have been trying to work a little harder on that part of my life.

My good friend Kelly nominated me for a Perfect Post.

Which is awesome. It's always nice, really nice, to feel a little bit of love.

Yesterday morning had a minor medical emergency which left me feeling very alone for a few moments until i called my friend. She rushed over, picked up my kids for school, took a moment to feel my forehead and give me a gentle smile. It was wonderful. Asking for help is always difficult. I find myself needing to do it more and more often. It makes me feel so warm and gooey inside.

And last week another friend did all my baking responsibilities for the school that i just didn't have the time to follow through on. Not only did she do that with three kids of her own, she also baked a couple dozen for my kids to have.

Another friend in vancouver has been there to listen to me on the phone. To send me lovely emails. She has known me a long time and we have had babies at the same time. Our lives have taken us in different directions, we have lost contact at times, but when we come back together it is always a wonderful feeling.

I am going through a very difficult time right now. These people understand. They understand without judgment, just support. I hold them all very close to my heart and i think of them when i need to feel a little better.

There is this family i know. Three children, two boys and a girl. Grown, in their twenties. Their parents split up when they were young. The family is well known in the community.

The kids, the siblings they still hang around together. They are friends and go out of their way to spend time together. They help each other through good times and hard times, they move each other in and out of houses. They go on vacations together. They watch out for each other.

I look at them longingly, enviously and hopefully. I don't have that with my siblings, but i hope so much for it for my children.

Spring break is hard because it's hours upon hours together. The kids play. The kids fight.

Last night parker was frightened to go to bed without me there, but i wasn't ready for bed. Toby hopped in with him and rubbed his back till he fell asleep and then fell in to sleep and dreams himself. When i went to bed they were snuggled up together. Looking like two babies. Two brothers. So similar, but so different. Loving each other.

I kept them side-by-side and i squished in beside them. I barely slept. Aside from lack of space and little bony limbs poking me through the night i kept waking to watch them. Knowing that these moments are rare. The harmony, the innocence of sleep, the calmness of their sleeping faces. Soft and round.

It was beautiful to me.

The kids are just watching Hairspray with some friends. They are all dancing around the living room. I am entertaining them by dancing past the doorway every few seconds with a mop in my hands. Lots of giggling echoing through the house.

I have had the best week with my kids. I'm not sure if it's because i missed them so much during the five days they were with their dad, or the fact that we haven't had school and therefor four days of hanging out and playing. Whatever it is we are all feeling rejuvenated. Ready to face 2008.

Working in restaurants i meet so many interesting people. Working in slightly higher end dining establishments means that people are there to enjoy themselves. Often they are celebrating. Reconnecting with family or friends. Anniversaries. Birthdays. Successes in life.

I enjoy it because they let me be a part of their story. At least for awhile. They are happy to see me. They are happy.

Last weekend i had a boyfriend and girlfriend in. She was meeting his mom and sister. They spent three hours putting me through my paces. Several drinks, hot water with lemon, coffee, three course meal.

Early in the meal they asked me my name. That doesn't happen very often. It became very friendly. We had small conversations each time i went to the table. Most of the other tables turned over in the time they were there. It was just lunchtime.

When they were getting ready to leave the boyfriend asked me if i believed in karma.

"yes!" i said. Because i do. I really do. It's one of the only things i believe in.

He said; "well, a lot of good things must happen to you."

It was the nicest thing i've heard in weeks.

Well, ICBC (insurance corporation of BC) called today and the van is "a total write off." A third party someone or other will look at it and we go from there i guess. It's not worth much i'm guessing as it was a '98 and we all know vans are a crappy dime-a-dozen.

(If you have any ideas of what i can buy for around $8,000 that will seat all of my kids let me know.)

Before i move on i have to say that air bags, though they save lives, suck ass. I have burns from my belly button on up. A little rosy i am. Also, the police officer that came to the scene was a woman i already knew from some school stuff and she was awesome. She mentioned that the amount of time it took me to actually stop was quite long. I whispered in her ear that i was trying some new anti-depressant medication and it probably affected my reflexes a bit. You know what she did? She hugged me and said she'd never mention it again.

But. But! I have had a happy day. I am okay. Totally okay. Not a sore muscle, stiff neck. Nothing. I totaled my car and walked away healthy. Maybe i am a lucky person.

I had my very favourite babysitter in the world over today and as i went to ride my bicycle away he threw me his car keys and he even laughed when i called and told him (jokingly) that i crashed it into a pole. And another friend gave me a trail-a-bike so that i can transport all the kids around while i get all this stuff organized.

People are nice. You are nice.

I am thankful tonight.

I woke up this morning on the sunny side of the bed.

It is a beautiful, sunny, frosty day. The weather has been most wonderful for almost a week. We have spent hours playing at the school in the afternoons. The kids are happy. I am happy to see them happy.

The nights are beautiful. The almost full moon illuminating the clear skies. I like to sit alone in the chilly night air basking in the glow of the moon.

And so? And so today i am going to blog my day. A reminder to myself that life is good. I am a lucky woman.

January 31, 2007

7am - shane and eliza out of bed.
7:10am - toby out of bed
7:23am - jess and parker out of bed
7:45am - shane in shower, tristan forced out of bed.
8:15am - tristan, toby, eliza and shane off to school and work.
9:10am - jess and parker in shower together.
9:47am - jess turns up this song and dances with parker.
10am - parker watches bob the builder while eating a bowl of mini-wheats.
10:02am - jess cleans up kitchen, turns on dishwasher, collects many loads of dirty laundry from upstairs, hauls them down, turns on first of many loads.
10:13am - jess and parker in car, off to tim hortons for a coffee for jess and a treat for parker, then off to school for kindergarten pick-up.
10:14am - score! shane forgot his wallet which contains $20 that is now in jess' pocket.
11:30am - kindergarten over. hook up kids with parents.
11:35am - parker and eliza play in sand while jess plays with toby's class on the field.
noon - $10 gas pumped. two happy meals from mcbarfy drive-thru. $20 spent.
12:19pm - home. happy meals smothered with ketchup.
12:20 - feed marmalade.
12:21 - unload dishwasher
12:26 - change laundry, fold first load.
12:45pm - check voicemail. return three phonecalls - two parents with concerns and principal about re-enrollment. Remember need to make dentist appointment and call house insurance. Forget about this walking from kitchen to playroom, now remember.
1:11pm - kick eliza off computer, damn webkinz. check email. i need viagra.
1:12pm - brush teeth, check laundry - not dry.
1:15pm - back in car, off to grocery store. will write check, payday tomorrow. Then to school for 2:20 pick-up.
2:30pm - chat with parents while kids play.
2:40pm - swing on swings with parker and eliza
3:00pm - short meeting with principals
3:42pm - walk down to pond beside school to see if we can skate on it. Yes!!
4:07pm - home again.
4:11pm - fix snacks for kids - cheese buns, apples and dry cereal.
4:19pm - fold laundry. load number four on.
4:29pm - check email, phone school confirming prices for out-of-school care and preschool program beginning next year.
4:31pm - take dogs out for short walk.
5:00pm - start dinner - sausages, wild rice and ceasar salad.
5:11pm - change and fold another load of laundry.
5:29pm - 18 minutes on the phone with school about various things.
5:48 - open bottle of cider and drink it in front of my kids
5:49pm - kids running naked down street because i am too drunk to notice.
5:59pm - shane's home. Early!!
6:12pm - dinner
6:14pm - kids done dinner.
6:28pm - jess and shane do dishes, kids upstairs.
6:31pm - another load of laundry, last one in drier.
6:31pm - kids get into jammies. more laundry to do tomorrow.
6:40 pm - talk to shane about his day *yawn*, my day *same old, same old*, the new shins album and the new modest mouse single.
6:47pm - go upstairs and dance to abba with tristan
6:56pm - play "store" with toby, eliza and parker, buy back all the things they stole from my room.
7:07pm - get parker into bed, read stories - if i could drive a dumptruck and maisy drives the bus - sing songs - itsy bitsy dumptruck, ballgame and twinkle twinkle little stoplight - turn out lights.
7:47pm - realize it's me snoring beside parker.
7:49pm - check email, phone friend. Going out for beer with friend! Must stop at coffee shop in lake for cappuccino first.
7:51pm - feed dogs, feed cat, turn dishwasher on. Shane putting other kids to bed.
7:51pm - forgot to call dentist. crap. go upstairs brush teeth.
7:54pm - phone board member regarding fire safety check at school. fix hair and face while talking.
8:11pm - dash to store to get chocolate for shane, must be his time of the month.
8:27pm - drop off chocolate.
8:54pm - stop at school photocopy a few things for other board members, put in their mailboxes. Log on school computer, check email, update post.
9:07pm - leave for pub. stopping at bank machine first. Shane paid us today. Yippee.
9:08pm - shit. forgot about groceries in car. At least it's freezing out.
9:27pm - in the parking lot. no friend.
9:28pm - friend calls. husband not home from fancy chef job.
9:30pm - play with cell phone. update contacts.
9:40pm - call friend. husband still not home. tell her i am going home.
9:41pm - stop at beer and wine store. buy some hermanns.
9:55pm - home again. give shane beer. watch last few minutes of the sopranos while folding last load of laundry.
10:01pm - the groceries! run to van, unload groceries.
10:10pm - get kids stuff ready for all school swim tomorrow. get lunch bags ready for packing in morning.
10:11pm - shane says i look pretty. someone wants to get lucky.
10:50pm - shane goes to bed. jess is tired. shane gives me a kiss and a goose.
10:51pm - goodnight. let dogs out. lock dogs and kitty in playroom. brush teeth, wash face, put on anti-wrinkle cream. lay in bed not sleeping. goodnight good day.
11:00pm - still up. didn't go upstairs yet. check AIM, nobody there. go outside admire moon. the sky is so clear, the moon is so bright. perfect for full moon soccer. listen to new shins album, very good. read novel in progress. must work on it. tomorrow night.

That was the view from the balcony of our chalet. The chalet was incredibly affordable. You could ski in/out from it, it was packed with kids toys and videos, it comfortably slept all fourteen of us. Amazing.

We did lots of playing. And zooming. And various rosy cheek inducing activities.

<

There was also plenty of this:

and this:

and of course this:

I'm sitting here enjoying the mild ache of muscle pain that reminds me of all the fun i have been having.

Skiing has been incredibly fun. Just like riding a bike, everything came back in just a few minutes. The kids took one lesson each and have been flying down the runs ever since.

Toby has surprised me the most. He gets off the chairlift, pulls his goggles down and takes off straight down the hill, coat flying at his sides (he refuses to zip it up, but that's another story.)

It really feels like another world, like i have left all my worries and doubts behind. I feel content. Happy to watch memories being created for me and my children.

I could live here.

We are up on beautiful Mt Washington. Sharing a lovely chalet with lovely friends.

Looking around at the kids laughing, rosy cheeked, i know that these are the days that good memories are made of.

The drive up was incredible. In and out of small island towns. The terrain changing from rainforest to clear cuts. Then coming out of the mist and driving the sixteen kilometers up the mountain where the sun was shining and the snow was deep enough to bury a house.

After a wonderful dinner we went outside to toboggan. Screaming gleefully down the trails between the chalets.

Now the kids are piled three high in the loft. Quiet whispers and giggles flowing down into the living room.

It is going to be a great week.

I always feel a little sad when christmas is over. It comes in such a whirlwind. A flurry of activities and preparation. It's hard to be in the moment, to really enjoy the days leading up.

And then it is over. The christmas tree sits empty, dropping it's needles, hiding in the folds of the carpet to be found and vacuumed up for months.

But then there is the calm that comes over the house. The kids sedated and happy to play in their rooms, pouring over all the new treasures. Discovering that one last chocolate in the bottom of their stockings.

I have a pile of books to read. I am enjoying lazy afternoons by the ragtag tree, sipping tea, reading books and playing new board games with the kids.

I am attempting to give myself some good habits, say goodbye to the bad habits that have been my burden this year. Less wine. Less lonely nights by the computer. Long walks in the crisp winter afternoons. Alone. Listening to my thoughts while the day is still bright and the sadness that rages through my body in the evening hasn't taken hold. Earlier to bed. Even if sleep doesn't come.

I hesitate to say that these are resolutions. They're not.

They are like my new necklace. Something to remind me that i am loved, i love and i want to be loved.

You know that cliche of the person who gets drunk at the office party and ends up dancing on the table?

That's me!

Two years in a row i have been the drunkest person, by far, at our school parent and staff christmas party.

I managed to hold out until after i made a speech and handed out gifts and christmas bonuses, but then! It was drunk jess. All drunk, all the time.

I wore my extra high heels again and a beautiful dress. I danced, i had fun. I made out with another mom as my special talent so that i could steal her gift. All kinds of laughter and jokes ensued. At the end of the night i leaned against other board members to hold me up. They passed me around like a paper doll.

Then shane carried me home.

Shane's band played. See.

That's him thinking "who the hell is she dancing with now?"

I am preparing myself for merciless teasing in the morning. But, it was fun.

And we have a christmas tree.

Here's me, hungover, in my extra special custom t-shirt from debbie. I love debbie.

I have begun thinking about christmas.

Lights have been hung outside the house. Many dollars were spent at Costco. The first few presents have been bought.

I will make this a good christmas.

I will ignore my husband when he is grumpy and christmas day.

I will not spend too much money.

I will teach my children that this holiday is about more than stuff. It is about love and family and special moments. Shiny lights. And, perhaps, snow that lasts till christmas.

A walk to the quarry. Lot's of leaves. A good day.

You would think that after a never ending day of witch's brew, pumpkin carving, costume parades, trick or treating and fireworks my children would sleep in.

I so anticipated this sleep in that i called the school at 11:30 last night and told them we would be late.

And thus, these few lame words will put a start to my NaNoWriMo and NaBloPoMo month.

Help me.

It's 6:30 in the morning and they've been eating candy, sneakily in bed, for an hour.

I spent the weekend playing in a softball tournament. It was thrilling, fun and exhausting. Four games in a day and a half. Three full games of playing catcher. That's a lot of squats. The highlight was having to do the home/away team competition in the last game. I had to go against a young girl from the other team. Starting on home plate we sprinted to second base, chugged a beer, ran backwards to first or third and then sprinted home. I won!

Ah the sweet sound of my children cheering me on as i chugged a beer at 1:00 in the afternoon.

I'm feeling much better.

Thank-you everybody.

Well. This has been fun. The concussion? It sucks.

But! A nice thing has happened. A joyous thing actually. A thing so wonderful i am mad at everybody for not letting me in on the secret earlier.

Babysitters!

I am in love with my new babysitter. She's been over twice now. Without incident! As a matter of fact the kids all ask me when she's coming back! They ask me ALL the time.

She's fun and cute and responsible. Everything you could want in a babysitter.

The first time was at night and i went to a meeting. Boring. Yesterday she babysat so that i could go spend a lazy afternoon on the patio of a local cidery with other moms and the teachers from the school.

Although my head was hurting the thrill of an afternoon off - guilt free - was awesome. Awesome!

It was hard returning home to children. I just wanted to go right back out. Soon though.

Except babysitters? Damn expensive.

Well. That's that. The school year is not officially over until the 23rd, but tonight i completed the last major task of my presidency this year. I am now free as a bird. Until! Summer vacation next week and the calls of "I'm bored. What are we doing today!"

Friday is the third installment of a month of birthdays with toby's 7th. What do you buy for a 7 year old boy who wants "lots of toys?"

Right before i hit the mattress with a very loud thud i promised my lemon poppyseed cake recipe to a lovely reader.

I spent all day stirring the hugest pots of chili, four of them actually. I had no idea they even made pots that big. After a few minutes of stirring my arm would seize up in pain from mixing 50 pounds of beans and meat (veggie too), but i pressed on into the wee hours of this evening while the men put up tents and stages. It really is quite the spectacle, this fair the school puts on. But, as it comes together i am so happy to be a part of it all.

Awesome! weekend to everybody especially you memorial day'ers.

Lemon Poppyseed Cake courtesy of my *mom

2 tsps. lemon zest
1 Tbsp. lemon juice
3 cups flour
3/4 tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. salt
1 cup unsalted butter
2 cups sugar
3 eggs + 2 egg yolks
1 cup buttermilk
1/4 cup poppyseeds

Combine lemon rind and lemon extract and poppyseeds and set aside.

Sift flour, baking soda, baking powder and salt and set aside,
Cream butter and sugar, add eggs and extra yolks. Beat well and then
alternate flour mixture with buttermilk and beat well.
Mix in poppyseed combination.
Pour into greased bundt pan, shake pan to level out mixture. Bake at
350 for 60 minutes. Cool before inverting.

Make a **butter icing using lemon juice in place of liquid. Cut cake in
half and use as filling and icing.
Wonderful.

*it's still icksnay on the momnay around here.

**I used four eggs instead of the 3 eggs plus two yolks and it was fabulous. Let me know if you can't find a butter icing recipe. Mine was something like 4 cups icing sugar, 1/2 cup butter, juice of 1 lemon.**

Yesterday parker, eliza and i set off to outfit the kids for summer. On the drive in to victoria i was struck by the fact that my kids have really changed since we left the city - at least tristan and toby have. Parker and eliza were just babies when we moved - a few weeks old and two.

In the next month tristan, toby and eliza will turn nine, seven and five. I am constantly in awe of how time passes; the years fly by while the days, sometimes, drag on.

I have made a very conscious effort over the past two years to change my kids into non-consumers. To enjoy life and all that it offers without succumbing to the constant barrage of commercialism. It is easier to do that here. When we are bored we learn to be bored, or relaxed, without wandering over to a mall for entertainment. We go shopping when we need to instead of when we have the desire to. Tristan and toby have stopped asking for things. If they want something they save up for it or put it onto a birthday or christmas wish list. Even then they know to expect just a few things.

Although i often have the desire to lavish them with goodies (it has taken longer to change my habits - old dog, new tricks) i have noticed with some smug satisfaction that it is not them asking me for things, it's me asking me. I'm the one with the desire to see them wearing cute outfits from gap or gymboree. They are happy, happier, to wear hand-me-downs from special friends.

And when i come home with a bag full of new t-shirts, shorts and swimsuits they are filled with joy as they march around the house modeling their new wares. They appreciate every single thing.

Tristan brought home an illustrated story from school yesterday called "Mouse Goes To Space." Parker spent most of the afternoon playing "mousetrap," a game which involved him leaping in the air while standing on top of the dirt pile and landing on his cushiony soft bum.

As an aside, when oh when will parker potty train? I keep asking him if he wants to sit on the potty and the answer is always "nope, i'm okay." You'd think that i'd have all this taken care of the fourth time around, but no, each one of them is different and challenging in different ways.

We did not, however, catch a mouse. I was brave and pulled apart the sofa in question and cleaned any crumbs and stuff out of it. We placed poison in the basement and a trap under the sofa. I don't really like using the poison as i worry about the dogs so i am trying to convince shane that some cats that live in the basement would be a great idea.

At our baseball game last night, which by the way is so much fun i'm surprising myself, parker was sitting on my lap looking at my shirt when he grabbed my boobs in his little fists and asked "is there still milk in your boobies?"

I was sitting in the middle of a bench flanked by dads, whom you'd think would have heard it all before too, but the silence was deafening. I laughed so hard i very nearly peed my pants. Parker non-plussed as always leaned in and slid his hands into their new favourite home - down the front of my shirt.

Tuesday is the very, absolutely busiest day of the week for me. Every fourth tuesday i have a board meeting and don't get home until late. Last night it was 11:30. The board always holds a second meeting at the pub. mama-tulip asked what i love. So here it is:

• my automatic coffee maker. i have been known to suffer large amounts of anxiety when someone suggests i miss my morning coffee.


• listening to tristan play the piano


• "i met a girl" by wheat


• all of my good tv happens on one night. sunday. sopranos, big love, greys anatomy.


• little toddler hands rubbing my back first thing in the morning


• the sound of a big snowfall


• the first sunny day after a long, wet winter


• watching sleeping kids


• family dinners, everyone laughing, eating, enjoying each other


• sleeping in, some day

Coming later! It's that time of year again! Broody hens in the drowninginkids compound!

Those of you who know me know that before i had children i had a dog. Pesto. I purchased pesto out of the back of a pickup truck at the mall. He was a cute little shepard cross. And, like that big red dog that we all hate, he grew and he grew. Pesto was a dominant male who i spent hundreds of hours training. Oh how i loved my pesto.

Then we had kids. And the big dog knocked them over. And we lived in a little house in the city. And there was no room. So pesto went to live with grandma and grandpa on saltspring island. He is quite the friend to everyone in fulford harbour. And now! Now we live on two acres in the country and we have no babies and pesto is coming home. All twelve years of him! I'm so excited.

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Last week when we were at the allergist he suggested that we could take parker and eliza off of singulair, their asthma medicine. So we did. And now parker is sick with a cold and asthma and back on puffers and pills and singulair. So much for that. Phhppplttt!!! to doctors.

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We had a perfectly perfect spring break culminating in a wonderful weekend at saltspring. A few photos can be found by clicking the photo below!

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For dinner! Tonight! Chicken breasts! Tonight i had them brushed with dijon, then egg wash, flour, fried in olive oil and butter. Pan scrapings mixed with whole milk and cream - served on the side with rice and broccoli. A hit! Next the lemon juice and olive oil recipe from chair. And many more to come! Keep those recipes coming! I am no longer afraid of the raw chicken!

We have two amazing kids sleeping over tonight. They are brother and sister. He's 9 and she's 11. They are the kind of kids that would fit easily into my family and make me happy to have six!

Plus, their mom is one of those people that you know from the instant you meet them that they are kind and generous. The kind of person we all need in our lives. She also happens to work at the very best restaurant in our neck of the woods and her husband is the chef. Most definitely the people you want in your life!

They are both working tonight and were in need of a babysitter. I offered up our house without hesitation. As we were sitting eating dinner with all six! kids i was laughing and having so much fun and everything just felt really nice. I thought that this is how i hope it is when my kids visit their friends houses. Friends, good friends, when you find them they are like family.

I had a point somewhere here and now i've lost it. I think i just really like good people. I like nice kids. I like having my house full of loud, laughing, stomping when they should be sleeping - kids.

BlogJob - this word came about via a late night wine enhanced AIM chat with jenijen, my internet crush. We were speaking of messy things like periods, peri-menopause, chicken eggs, eggs of the womanly baby-making type, husbands and baby-making with husbands. Our mutual parallel lives and crush led us to the term BlogJob.

BoobJob - i may have jokingly said i would get a boob job because gwyneth was, but fear not those of you who email'd in concern. I have no plans. In fact, i once watched a good friend go through a breast reduction and the recovery? It was not pretty. And me? A wimp.

BlogHer - yes i am aware that everybody will be shy and anxious. But for me? It goes too a much deeper, freakout. And alcohol? Although a very nice social lubricant i have recently been compared to dudley moore when alcohol is involved in social situations.

Lastly! Death Cab for Cutie on Saturday Night Live! Tomorrow. We are psyched. Awesome!

Whew. That was quite the adventure and all i have to show for it is a monster cold sore on my top lip. Apparently though, you cannot get the flu from the flu shot. Bastards. Lying dirty bastards.

In the past couple of days i have written funny and amusing posts, political and savvy posts, sweet and tender posts - unfortunately they all exist in my head.

I have not, however, figured out how i can possibly yote in our federal election without selling my soul to some evil political scheme. The conservatives, although good on some levels, are socially and morally on the opposite end of the spectrum as i am. The NDP hate the private sector, including the school my kids attend - plus they are opposed to personal wealth, at least without severe taxation. The Liberals, who are like the family friends - seriously, i remember many afternoons playing with the Trudeau kids - have become so corrupt and cheated Canadians out of so much money that it is hard for me to give them my vote even though the party itself still comes closest to my personal beliefs.

So, we let the kids stay up until midnight - new york time. We changed the clocks in the house three hours ahead, made a special yummy dinner, drank some kiddy fizz champagne, watched the westminster dog show and dick clark. Then, sent them to bed at midnight *cough* 9pm.

Here's how it looked (the photos look poopy because i only have the built-in flash):

the dinner being prepared. Yes! my kids eat mussels and clams! Amazing.

pina coladas to drink!

Lots of toasting

a little boredom

a little dancing

and if i didn't know better i'd think we gave them real champagne

See you next year!

Everybody with children, everybody who loves santa - hell, everybody

track santa on christmas eve!

It's time! Come on, make your canadian friends happy go and vote.

You can vote for Jen or Ada or chair or, of course, me. But, for goodness sake let the mommy bloggers rule!

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*****Update******Update*******Update

Okay, screw everyone else. Vote for me!!!! Bwah-ha-ha-ha! I want a little gold, silver or bronze Canada flag to put on my blog. Really, i do.

Thank-you to whoever nominated me! Now let's vote!

Today is my birthday. I am nearing middle age. When will i start to feel different, more mature? When will i understand and accept all the little nuances that make the world so fucking excellent and hard at the same time?

Last night we had 6 adults and 5 children over for dinner. That would make 8 adults and 9 children in total. I fed them all, socialized and did quite well with very little anxiety. I was very proud of myself. Except that when everyone left i realized i was drunky drunk drunk. The evening was the first meeting of the dad band. Shane is starting a band in his endeavor to complete our new "more fun" lifestyle credo. They are planning on playing 10 songs at the christmas party; including U2 New Years Day, REM One Love, Ramones I want to be Sedated and Hank Williams Nobody's Lonesome For Me.

Today, breakfast in bed. Leisure. Naps. And Wallace and Gromit.

xxoo