While we were in vancouver, sitting around my parents table, enjoying a family meal toby piped up with "i can't believe m mom is a waitress." There was silence. Dead, uncomfortable, heartbreaking silence. I burst out laughing.

"Neither can i!" i smiled at him.

It was okay. This was not my life goal. I never really had any goals. I never had time. I graduated from university, got married and got pregnant - four times.

For many years i believed that my kids were my greatest achievement, the center of my life, my universe. That nothing else i could ever do would equal the magical, momentous task of raising four children.

Perhaps they are my crowning glory. Which, in all honesty, is a title i would be very proud to be the owner of. But, lately i've come to realize that there just might be more. I might have something else to give to this world. Another significant thing.

I am coming back for you, leave the house after supper
meet me at Low Gap, I will come with two horses, one in each
hand, they will be striped with darkness and the shadow
of deep wells.

"The Jesse James Poems" Paulette Jiles

The one thing i fail to learn, year in, year out, is that expectations will get you nothing. Expectations will give you sleepless nights and stomach aches, longing and doubt, disappointment.

My birthday weekend turned out to be full of antibiotics and changes of plans and making do with what was on hand.

The kids and i had a great time together, which at the end of the day when i look in my heart and think of what i truly want - it is special moments and memories with them. We played laser tag and hung out with family. I was a little off because of a nasty infection, but my sister, the doctor, quickly sorted me out. I was a little off because i had expected to see friends and have some time to myself and my dreams. I was a little off.

The kids mirrored my mood, my mood swings. We all swung high to low, glee to anger. It was a challenging weekend. I have to remind myself that holidays are especially difficult for them. We are not together as a nuclear family, we are together as a new family. Post-nuclear.

I have to learn to limit my expectations to what they can handle, what is best for them. Save my dreaming for my time without them.

I couldn't pick a winner myself because all the comments and dreams were so amazing. So, after a brief search and one judge running screaming from my home, i found Neil on Twitter and asked him to pick a number and he said "11". So lucky number 11 is...

Jess! Who writes an amazing blog and has had her share of tough times this year. I know Mondo Beyondo will be perfect for her.

Thank you so much everybody. Your dreams were inspiring and amazing and brought joy to my weekend.

Doing Mondo Beyondo, 10 days in, has been one of the most challenging things i've ever done or faced.

I have been looking outwardly and inwardly at myself in a way i never have before. I can see all the roadblocks i've placed in my life that are holding me back from living my dreams. I think the word "dreams" can be deceptive, what i mean is getting the life i need and deserve. Taking that deep breath and diving in. Freeing up time, space and energy to let that happen.

I am just so happy with this process that i would like to share it with you. I am going to give away one registration to the january Mondo Beyondo course. And! you are going to pay for it. Huh? That's right, i'm going to use my ad money to give back to the internet. The way i see it, it's win-win.

So just leave a comment telling me your wackiest dream and i'll pick a random winner sometime.

October 19th.

This contest has no rules and is open to anyone unless you have scorned me. But then, if you scorned me you could probably use this course.

Mondo Beyondo has started and it is so very challenging. Challenging in a terrifying and beautiful way.

Putting pen to paper, not fingers to keyboard. There is something so different about that. In a strange way it is so much harder to be truthful and honest with yourself in ink. A piece of paper that is so fleeting, yet so permanent. It is like i am tattooing these words on my arm.

My dreams, my values, people that inspire me, finding hope to fill my empty heart. The part of my heart that is not filled by the great love that is my children. The very small list of people whom i cherish.

To change my life. To chase my dreams, whatever they may be.

Mondo has come at the perfect time. After years of challenges and loss and sickness i am ready to begin again. To take all the good and perfect things and let the rest fall on the path that is behind me. I am ready to be fresh faced and excited by the second half of my life.

I'm afraid i've lost my way.

I've been in a blip. A little slip. I've done and said some stupid things. It's not a surprise, but it caught me by surprise. Things were moving along, getting better.

I know exactly what it is. The change of season, all the different stresses. The new custody schedule. The loneliness. The lack of focus.

I love summer. I bloom and flow in summer. Roll with the punches. Hey! Nothings gonna get me down!

I always come around again and i know i will this time. I have exciting things happening this month.

I guess i don't have much to say today. That is how i feel. I don't have much to say and so i say nothing at all. I sit in my bed and i sleep and i read and i think. I need to add dreaming to that.