I have listened to the new Lou Barlow album streaming on NPR all day.

I have thought of my old friend Scott W. Gray. A boy i knew in college and have lost contact with, save for one middle of the night drunken phone call three years ago, sorry about that. I remember the first time depression seriously fucked up my life in 1994. We were both dj's at CFUV, the university of victoria radio station and he called me into one of the listening booths when the new sebadoh 7inch came in. "you have to listen to this." and i sat in fluorescent lights and broke down in hysterical sobs to this song.

And i have listened to that song over and over, over and over these past few years.

So, today i listened to his new album which is beautiful and perfect. And reminds me of those 13 years, or 14, or 15.

my beautiful friend

I wanted to write about sitting on my porch yesterday afternoon and eavesdropping on the girls sitting out on the dock, sharing secrets like sisters sometimes do. And the joy i felt witnessing this coming together. Their windswept hair and freckles in the autumn breeze, daring each other into one last swim.

And then, today, the music took over my mind. and i'm lost in it again.

I had the best weekend. The way friendship can wrap you up and make you feel whole again. The way you can say and do anything. And laughter. The laughter is still ringing in my ears and making me happy.

My friend christle and i wound our way down to the city to meet up with andrea and a friend of hers for an amazing dinner. We talked and ate and ate some more and did it all with wine pairings and muscat and herbal tobacco. It was decadent and silly. Andrea and i have been friends in the computer for years, but have never met in person though all signs pointed to us being fast friends. And we were.

After dinner we wandered over to the theatre to see band of horses who i fully admit to being my biggest crush in the world. They are so lovely and fill my heart with happiness every single time i see them live.

Andrea and i hung out in the lobby during the first band and spoke of love and loss and new happiness that is coming and is here.

As christle and i wound our way back up the highway i laughed and told her "this is what i do and i'm going to do it for you." And i put fleetwood mac "rumours" on and sung my heart out all the way home. It was so silly and funny and i did it unabashedly. because some things you can do in front of friends.

Shane has been working hard recording an album of songs he's written about our journey over the past two and a half years.

He has two songs available for download right here.

I would love everybody to go and have a listen because they are really great songs, he's very talented and everybody needs a little encouragement.

2008 is nearly over. I am headed for a very, very long night of work. Most of my entries this past year, which has been quite the year, were filed under "2008 you will not get me." And? It didn't.

Part of what helped me get through this year was learning to accept friendship. Leaning on people at points, asking for help. My christmas video warmed my cockles something fierce. One of my favourite parts was this song that my very good friend wrote for me. I want to share it with you. Listen to her words, they are funny and charming and warm and make my whole body happy. Just like her.

Christle's Song from jess howard on Vimeo.

Happy New Year everyone.

Mates of State "My Only Offer" from Retread Sessions on Vimeo.

Last night shane's band played at a hippie commune. I really have trouble believing that those words have come out of my mouth in relation to me.

Despite the icky feeling those words give me, it was a ton of fun.

Fun, until, my social anxiety mixed with one too many yummy beers and i found myself laying in the grass wishing for someone to reach down from the sky and dropkick me home to bed. The biggest problem i have in times of distress is that i start jabbering on to shane about suicidal ideation, depression and general unhappiness. He, being the kind and gentle man he is, freaks out. Spins the car around, ready to drop me off on the fourth floor again.

Then, in the morning, i feel this giant sense of relief. I made it through the night. I am still alive. I talked about my feelings. And usually, we have come up with a new or tweaked plan for my mental health care.

Shane, on the other hand, is left a hand-wringing, acid stomached puddle of worry.

I am a hard woman to love.

You know that cliche of the person who gets drunk at the office party and ends up dancing on the table?

That's me!

Two years in a row i have been the drunkest person, by far, at our school parent and staff christmas party.

I managed to hold out until after i made a speech and handed out gifts and christmas bonuses, but then! It was drunk jess. All drunk, all the time.

I wore my extra high heels again and a beautiful dress. I danced, i had fun. I made out with another mom as my special talent so that i could steal her gift. All kinds of laughter and jokes ensued. At the end of the night i leaned against other board members to hold me up. They passed me around like a paper doll.

Then shane carried me home.

Shane's band played. See.

That's him thinking "who the hell is she dancing with now?"

I am preparing myself for merciless teasing in the morning. But, it was fun.

And we have a christmas tree.

Here's me, hungover, in my extra special custom t-shirt from debbie. I love debbie.

I think i'm about done with the instant messaging blogher wrap, but i'm not done with my endless ruminations because that is what i do. Think and think till it kills me.

I'm still trying to decompress and deal with the assault of emotion i felt this past weekend. As a note to husbands coming home to a messy house and seven loads of laundry and grumpy kids is a little overwhelming.

Anyway, After a very bumpy start where i literally walked through the hotel crying, pulling my sunglasses over my eyes, to meeting several amazing women and all the others i've talked about already and the ones i haven't, it has left me bereft of tears.

Tomorrow, for some unknown reason, i am off to vancouver to see my family who wish that blogging didn't exist.

In the meantime please picture me crying in san jose listening to this song that shane left on my computer for me to listen to while on my trip (he wrote it.) Oh my god i love my husband.

As i've said before shane has been recording songs at home. The kids have watched with a keen interest and have spent many of our quieter summer days forming a band.

In singing class* at school they learned the apology song by The Decemberists. Since then every single time we are in the car we have to listen to it and we ALL sing it at the top of our lungs. We are the popular choice for carpools.

So, with Toby on bass and electric guitar, parker on vocals and eliza on acoustic guitar they have been rehearsing. Parker mostly sings the ABC song, but it has been a highlight of the summer so far for me. While i am away next week shane has promised me that they will record it and i will definitely post it for all of you upon my return.

* I made a CD for the teacher with that song on it and he liked it so much he taught it to the kids.

** My camera is still wonky. I was able to get a couple photos off it, but i'm going to go get a new memory card tomorrow and hopefully that will work.

Oh! I'm very excited about an event that is sure to only excite me!

On swoon today paige talks about the psychedelic furs singer, richard butler, and his solo album.

I love the psychedelic furs. Once in highschool i got to see them (actually it could have been love spit love, i can't remember) play at UBC in the gymnasium. It was awesome! I even managed to get invited backstage because i was that kind of girl! No, not THAT kind of girl. I was a hopeless groupie to many bands and cool enough and pretty enough to find my way backstage on merit instead of sexual prowess.

Anyway, i digress, i love richard butler and the song on myspace is really pretty and nice.

Since i'm feeling tired and cold & flu like i thought i'd learn how to upload mp3's.

As many of you know shane has been writing songs and putting them up on my space and garageband. I'm really proud of him and it makes me really love him, in a hubba hubba kind of way, when i listen to them. He has a plan so cunning and hilarious with these songs that include concept albums, false prophets and cults. If you knew him all of that would make sense. So, here's his newest version of one of the songs:

the stars are out

Also, one afternoon when i was out at a meeting shane recorded tristan on piano and her, toby and eliza singing. If you listen closely you can hear some of the funkiness in toby's speech:

mary****

****you can say whatever you want about shane but only cute things about my kids. They inherited my lack of tune, so blame that on me.