Anybody who is friends with me on Facebook knows that my profile pic is, as a rule, of my legs or torso, never my face.

It has become a fun little thing for me. Late at night, usually after work, when i don't have the kids i start taking pictures with photo booth. There are many, many pictures. If i'm lucky i get one that i like. (like the one above from last night.)

I'm thinking i need to put all of these leg pictures into one place. An evolution of the leggy self-portrait. The silly things i do to entertain myself and keep from feeling alone.

I am coming back for you, leave the house after supper
meet me at Low Gap, I will come with two horses, one in each
hand, they will be striped with darkness and the shadow
of deep wells.

"The Jesse James Poems" Paulette Jiles

The one thing i fail to learn, year in, year out, is that expectations will get you nothing. Expectations will give you sleepless nights and stomach aches, longing and doubt, disappointment.

My birthday weekend turned out to be full of antibiotics and changes of plans and making do with what was on hand.

The kids and i had a great time together, which at the end of the day when i look in my heart and think of what i truly want - it is special moments and memories with them. We played laser tag and hung out with family. I was a little off because of a nasty infection, but my sister, the doctor, quickly sorted me out. I was a little off because i had expected to see friends and have some time to myself and my dreams. I was a little off.

The kids mirrored my mood, my mood swings. We all swung high to low, glee to anger. It was a challenging weekend. I have to remind myself that holidays are especially difficult for them. We are not together as a nuclear family, we are together as a new family. Post-nuclear.

I have to learn to limit my expectations to what they can handle, what is best for them. Save my dreaming for my time without them.

When i was in the hospital all i could think about was the ways i was letting my children down. That is the curse of motherhood made worse by depression.

Look at all those other moms on their blogs i would think. They bake. They sew. They garden. They do crafts, with their kids! As much as i love blogging it has this way of making you feel insufficient as a mother. Sometimes i feel like it's a competition to see who has the best house, the best craft room, the best photos of their projects. What happened to just being a mom? Why is it so damn hard for me to even think about those things?

I am not crafty by nature. I love to cook, but my kids hate food. I don't love to bake - too much mess, too many calories.

I used to love looking at all the pretty houses and pretty things people made. Now it just makes me feel more like a failure or give me this desire to compete.

That's not what i want. I want to hear all your stories. I want to hear celebrations of the terrible days and the whimsical days of motherhood.

So. Today we drove to victoria and had lunch with dad, then we went to the evil giant mall which made it all too clear to me how ragamuffin my kids are, we visited the giant toy store where we wandered every aisle and my kids marvelled at all the stuff, rode the bikes, sat in the cars, played with the trains, and then we left. They asked for nothing. The mere adventure of seeing ALL THAT STUFF was enough for them. Then we came home and drove over to their school and while i did some painting on one of the portables and a little work in the garden they played happily. For hours.

That's it. Now they are sitting at home watching shane's new band record some songs.

It is such a simple life. But, today, i am very happy for it.

I have been overwhelmingly busy.

The thing is? As kids get bigger the activities get bigger and longer and later.

My days begin with a running start at 7am and the race continues straight through to midnight. Even later if i write.

Things don't seem destined to slow down. I think more hours need to be added to the day.

Or less sleep required.

Welcome 2007.

I hope this year is a good year.

On my way home from vancouver. Happy holidays to all of you.

xxoo
jess

Shane is away. He's away and i'm really enjoying it. We had and easy dinner, a frolic in the woods and the requisite giant slumber party in my room.

As i was laying there waiting for parker to go to sleep i was struck by the little moments. Tristan was reading her archie comic busting a gut. That girl has the strangest sense of humour. I frequently hear her cracking up in her bedroom to books. In a way i think it's her letting us know that she's up there awake. A little jubilant "hi!" from the eight year old girl.

Toby and parker were both lost in their own little dream worlds. Parker was singing something along the lines of:

twinkle twinkle little truck
abcdefg
all us travellers in the night
itsy bitsy dumptruck
now i know my abc's
thank you for your tiny light.

Toby was squeeking away in a high pitched whisper yell about "cougars in the box...(something, something)" followed by a raucous "in the hole little mouse...(something, something.)"

Eliza was asleep. She was suffering from post-birthday stress all day. Twirling her new gold chain with a heart pendant non-chalantly in front of everyone. Hoping for it to be noticed. She fell asleep before she could finish "Toby and parker are keeping me....(up)"

How wonderful. How lucky i feel during those moments and not just because i know that they are almost asleep.

Shane and i have both been overwhelmingly busy with our own things. We are getting along fine, really well actually. We are just not connecting in that way, the way that husbands and wives sometimes do. Some of them even get to do it in bed i hear. For us long term family bedders the pizzazz of the bathroom counter or rug burn inducing playroom floor has long lost it's sparkle and a good old bed in the missionary position sounds almost kinky.

*ahem*

What i meant to say was that we have no time together. Yet we sit side by side on the sofa at night laptops in, well, our laps and television on. Frankly it's boring and i welcome this little change to my routine. Except that all my favourite shows (sopranos, big love and huff) are not on this week because of memorial day. Stupid memorial day.

P is for feeling poopy.

But! I got my super duper cute 60 bugs shirts from debbie today and, well, AWESOME!!

Eliza is feeling poopy too and so that was all she had to give for that photo.

Today was a day of playdates.

I have been trying to get eliza to be a little more social. So, twice a week we have been picking up one of her friends from kindergarten and having them over until we go pick up our and their siblings. Because eliza has never gone to preschool all of her friends are by proxy to older siblings. It works well. For now. She is really getting bored with me. On the days we don't have a playdate she nags me minutes after every activity "i'm bored..."

On to parker.

Every night for weeks when i put parker to bed after our "i love you's" and "sleep tight's" he leans in close and whispers in my ear "maybe tomorrow i can have a playdate with roman?" Of course tomorrow comes out as "oh-morrow." But it's so cute and i always say "we'll see."

Roman is the older brother of one of toby's good friends. He is in grade six. Whenever toby is at their house for a play i make sure to arrive half an hour early to pick up so that parker can play with roman.

Today! All of parker's dreams came true.

We had playdate! Roman was the sweetest, most loving friend to parker. They wrestled, played in the sandbox, had snacks and when it was time to say goodbye parker crouched down beside the sandbox and said "Roman! Go away! I'm pooping!"

I spend a lot of my time inside. Especially through the (soon to be over) winter. This weeks show and tell is especially poignant for me as i just spent one of the longest and loneliest winters of my life looking through these windows.

The kitchen window is the one i spend the most time looking out. I see trees. In the winter it is dark and wet and lonely and makes me wonder what the hell i am doing here in the middle of nowhere. Nobody to talk to. Nothing to do. Too wet to go out. Too depressing to stay home. But then spring comes and even in the woods things begin to change.

The other window i look out all the time is a corner window off of the living room, which is not to be mistaken for the playroom. the playroom is where the toys and tv and computer are. In the living room it's all books and music and fire. I don't spend much time here, but i love it. No toys allowed. It's always clean. I never though i would have a room like that (it's not off limits to kids or their music, or books - just toys) but now that i do i know why it's so awesome.

Please accept my apology for crappy photo quality, it is late and i really wanted to participate but damn it's late.

Show and Tell is brought to you by blackbird go and check out some more.

They are tired. They have dark circles. I should go to bed earlier. But! I am up trying to get show and tell done because i really like blackbird

Yes I know who you remind me of
A girl I think I used to know

I feel as though the weight of thousands of gallons of rain have been lifted. Spring has begun to show it's weary face. It still rains. A lot. But, in between we have had many beautiful days of sunshine.

Oddly enough shane tends towards depression in the spring. It makes no sense to me how he can skip his way through the long dark days of winter, but come the longer sunnier days of spring he retreats into his own despair.

Anyway. We had a lovely weekend full of sunshine and baseball and frolicking puppies. All of the fun can be seen on flickr!

I also spent large amounts of my weekend time sleeping! So nice. I stayed up late friday night talking dirty on IM with jenB! and Belinda! I rarely find the time to sign on and instant message, but when i do you can bet that some wine and late night sloshy "i luff you's" from me will be involved. Go ahead! Add me to your friends list - drowninginkids - duh.

After months of rain, literally, we have had a week of sunshine. To celebrate i took parker and eliza to 'the galley.' A restaurant that overlooks the lake that is ten minutes down the road from us.

It started with the 'ramp.' It was all eliza could talk about on the way there. Why? Is beyond me.

And then! The view! And binoculars!

Overlooking the lake! And a marine fuel station!

And then the menu! What to eat?

Fish and chips and? Fish and chips!

And for me? A BLT with salad and raspberry balsamic dressing (out of the bottle i think). A little too much mayo, but still good.

Thanks blackbird in tuvalu! for show and tell.

So, parkers better! He had a chest x-ray today and all was clear, no little wispy bits or dots on his little lungs. Of course i will now worry about all the x-rays he's had in the past year, but *phpllt*, not today. Today we will celebrate because the sun did shine again and spring will surely be here at some point.

I keep catching glimpses of myself in mirrors and reflected in car windows. It's alarming isn't it? This getting older crap. All of a sudden i have wrinkles and i find myself oddly obsessed with everybody else's skin. All these women with beautiful skin. I remember when i was young i had very dry skin and for a short period of time in grade 6 i felt very lucky because i didn't have an acne problem. Until one day, one moment permanently etched in my memory, my best friend told me she would have beautiful skin as an adult and i would have wrinkles.

Obviously lack of sleep and mountains of stress plus the monster cold sore on my lip have me looking not at my best, but still. Wrinkles, creases - whatever, shouldn't they happen later? Surely not in your 30's.

How is your skin holding up with age and children and pollution and global warming?

I love blackbird's show and tell. Peeking into people's lives and houses, but in small, intimate and personal ways. It feels so warm and homey.

So, here's my computer - a place where i spend a lot of time and share my feelings with the world, my friends and my family. My eMac sits in the corner of the playroom, a room which the previous owners converted from a double garage. It's nice to have the extra space and it is the room where we spend the majority of our time as shane's giant-ass tv is in here. It is not, however, very pretty.

My computer was a gift last year for my 34th birthday from my brother-in-law. Wow. It still amazes me that he gave it to me. I suppose i have always, the last 15 years at least, been there for him. I have listened and offered advice as he changed from a fifteen year old boy into a warm and caring man. He lived with us for several years and we became a family. A house full of laughter and joy and anger and frustration. I have the relationship with him that i wish i had with my brothers.

So, i love my computer. I love it because it reminds me that someone other than shane and the kids cares about me.

The computer is also the only place where i have any sort of desk space. As i move along in this motherhood thing i realize it is like a job. A job in that there are lots of papers to shuffle on and off my desk.

This is also the place where the kids play computer games and shane records all his music, hence the keyboard and mike stand. It's the family computer.

I also have an iBook, but it is presently asleep upstairs with Parker. I should add that i am a spoiled girl. My iBook was a gift from my dad. It's a little slow and clunky, but i love it too.

I have nothing for you. I attempted portraits today. It was an adventure. I can't get true blacks and whites without photoshop and i am too lazy for photoshop. Click on the photo to see the rest. Cause we are cute.

So, i was looking at my account and realized that i have 27 unpublished entries. This one is four years old. I have grown in so many ways since. I have become a better writer, but i like the essence of this one. Tomorrow i will have my first ever contest, to give away a mondo beyondo dream. Please come back if you need to dream.

This is my grandma thea taken in 1939, two years after my mom was born. My mom was the youngest of three girls - i'm not sure if my grandma had siblings. My mom named me after her mom and dad - her dad was thomas jess and mom was dorothea - i am jess thea.

My grandma was, without hesitation, the strongest female figure in my life. She was tough and self-sufficient, yet womanly and warm and motherly. During the war her husband was gone for seven years. Seven years. I can't even imagine. Instead of hiding in loneliness she joined the british red cross as an ambulance driver and continued to raise and support her three daughters plus various boarders.

Boarding strangers became a habit of my mothers that always led to much fun and hijinx.

When my grandparents moved their family to canada after the war they took on many forms of employment - always as a team. I loved that about them. They were realtors - he the agent she the secretary, turkey farmers. Yes turkey. Eventually they moved to vancouver, i think to be near us but who knows? They owned a hardware store in Coquitlam. I loved visiting the store and spending hot summer days sitting at the counter as people filed in all day to buy a fan, trolling the aisles and fingering the barrels of nails and screws or the giant spools of different ropes and twines. I remember a small toy aisle that i would wander endlessly eyeing up the pogo stick that i saved for a whole year to purchase for $12.

As my grandma aged she grew away from my grandpa and eventually they moved into seperate old age homes. His was lonely and desperate. While hers was more like florida. Bus trips to the beauty salon, days at the mall, nights of poker, girlfriends and gossip. She was so happy then. As age took it's toll she lost both her legs to blood clots, but kept on going right till she died. Essentially, of old age. She died while i was pregnant with my first child, tristan. Tristan shares our name, she is tristan thea.

We didn't have a funeral. We met as a family at my moms house and took my grandmas ashes up to the top of grouse mountain. My sister and i spread the ashes and planted some snow drops and everybody drank gin and tonics. I only had a small sip because i was 8 months pregnant, but it was nice and magical in some ways.

I miss her. So does my mom. We both planted lilac trees in our yards to help us remember her. The snow drops still grow up there too. I visit sometimes.

bye bye christmas.

This is the kids chicken, not sure if it's a hen or rooster, and his name is Dumbledore. Dumbledore has so many feathers on his feet and legs that he can't move very fast. Add to that the feathers in his eyes and, well, he IS a chicken.

Today the cows from next door wandered into our yard. We always love to see them. There's one mother and when she has a calf they get three more for her to feed. It's always odd to see a cow in the forest.

Tristan and the magic of the port-a-potty

Toby who insisted he was Drabula

Eliza is sooo tired

and poor Parker with fever