i am so tired of this loneliness

then answer your phone asshole.

i can't. i can't.

i don't know what to say. i'm afraid of what i might say.

he said you're making it hard for him

there is nothing i can do about that. all i can do these days is sleep, work, parent and sit in my bed and participate in this endless void of both heady and lowly banter. i don't have the mental capacity to even begin to address those words, the audacity of them.

you put your angel wing necklace on again

i need it. i feel at the end of my rope. i can't take another single thing.

i still have so many things to deal with before life becomes, even remotely, normal. i don't even know what normal might look like anymore.

i did kick parenting ass today. that was a start. and i took some vitamins. and i bought some decorations.

i am not going to blow this holiday season off. i am going to make it lake house awesome. all cinnamon and pine scented.

the phone is ringing. you want to talk to this person. answer the phone.

i can't.

I'm thinking it's probably a good thing i didn't end up being a stay-at-home mom to four school aged children.

Although i have had more days with sick kids around than not since school started in september, these days when i am home alone for five hours? I go stir crazy.

I think i don't know how to be alone. I know i don't know how to be alone.

I have friends that lunch, and yoga, and hike. Sometimes i think i should be doing those things. I should be climbing mountains, drinking wine over raunchy conversation, teetering around in high heels and put together bodies.

I should have friends. I joined Bitches Who Brunch knowing full well i would never, absolutely ever, show up.

I am socially inept. I am exactly what people think of when they hear about women who spend their days on twitter and facebook. I am a geek.

Geek sounds too romantic.

I am the living, breathing picture of social anxiety.

I can get all up in your face on the internet because i don't have to talk to you. I don't use any live chat applications, i rarely answer emails, i log in to skype in the very wee hours of the night to talk to one person. I never go "online."

I am alone, i choose to be alone, but i feel paralyzed by being alone.

My two youngest kids spent many nights in the hospital when they were young. Eliza was hospitalized on nine separate occasions for asthma, pneumonia and the flu. Parker has been hospitalized four times for pneumonia. They both continue to take singular, steroids and a puffer for asthma.

Tristan tested positive for H1N1 earlier this week. It has been over two years since we have had a stay on the pediatric floor. Sometimes i go long lengths of time not thinking about their weakened immune system, when the swine flu epidemic gained momentum a few weeks ago i began researching the vaccine and had decided that we needed to get it. As a mother the thought of putting my children at risk, in any way, is not an option. The risks of vaccination, for me, have always been outweighed by the risk of illness.

The fact that H1N1 entered my home before the vaccine was available is beyond frustrating and alarming.

Hot in my head these days has been the rest of my life.

It is a strange place i am in. Single, jobless, careerless.

All of those things are not really true. I have a job. I am a server, a waitress, on a bad day i make more money than the teachers in my kids school. On a good day i make as much as any professional. In this slow season there are no good days, they are all slow days and i am only working a few shifts a week. Actually, one or two. Times are tight. But, i am okay with that.

Forefront in my thoughts has been the environmental footprint i am leaving on this earth. What i am teaching my children. How living with less, much less, has been the closest thing i have ever felt to spirituality. My children are my career and teaching them these small lessons is more rewarding and has a larger, positive, environmental footprint than most careers i could choose.

It sounds strange, but living off of 1/10th of what i used to has been very empowering for me. I love having one can of trash per month. I love feeding my family healthy, simple foods. My oldest daughter fixing our clothes on her sewing machine.P lanning our vegetable garden in a meaningful way. Planning to feed us for ten months with our harvest.

Investing $200 in high quality compost and 100 mile seeds. Purchasing local, organic, beef, chicken and pork. Really, we are living the ten mile diet - save for the dairy and grains - which are more like 100 miles. The oil is a stumper - olive oil, spices, rice - not local.

We have our home heated solely by the wood stove. Our food all local and organic. Even our clothes - all bought locally made from organic cotton, hemp and bamboo.

I want my environmental foot print to be a mere shadow. A hike in, hike out - take what you brought - kind of affair.

But, i am curious. Does this mean anything to anybody else? Or is it a westcoast hippie kind of thing?

I have been talking by email, or facebook, (are they the same thing now?) with a friend who is in Pai Thailand. I founf myself searching flights tonight. Thinking that i could actually just drop everything and go for a week. That was a pretty amazing feeling for me.

Of course, though i would give away my favourite animal to go, i just can't afford the killer airfare.

But, i could save up over the busy summer and go. I could do something just for me.

I am feeling really good. I am almost finished my weaning off period of my medication - cipralex. The first drop down in dosage was difficult. Constant headache, dizziness, upset stomach. This second drop has been easier. The headaches a little easier to deal with. It pretty much peaks mid-afternoon. The kids have been amazing. I explained to them why i was so tired. That i needed to lie down in the afternoons so that my headache didn't make me grumpy.

They play quietly. They leave me alone. Then my headache goes. And i can make them dinner, let them race around, splash in the tub, sit right on top of me during storytime - all without frustration or anxiety.

I am feeling very positive about this break from medication. I'm excited about it.

Yesterday i was getting my haircut and my cute as a button hairstylist was pregnant. Just starting to show. Due in june. It was really nice chatting to her about pregnancy. First babies.

It left me ruminating and dreaming of those first years of pregnancy and babies. Life was so full of possibility then.

My first year as a mother was one of the best years of my life.

I was a newlywed, a mother, young and vibrant. No money worries. Depression and anxiety had magically disappeared and stayed away for several years. It was a magical, free and happy time. I still celebrate the memory of that time. So thrilled that i got to experience it.

I feel a little bit of that magic now.

Long and leisurely days with parker. Giggling and laughing together. Showers in the morning, him playing in the luke warm water at my feet. Having fun doing simple things like dishes and various household chores. Watching his four year old brain really come alive. Beginning to understand his feelings and emotions. Understanding how to express them. And always his kisses. Leaning over at every opportunity to plant one on me. Snotty nose or not.

In september all my kids will be in school. My extended 10-year babymoon will be over. Another chapter in life will begin. I feel so lucky to have had all this time with them. To have a job that lets me spend all this time with them.

This has been the most challenging job i could never have imagined. And, at the end of the day, as i wander the house alone looking at each of them sleeping soundly. Reflecting on each day. It's failures and accomplishments. I know that the reward. Four beautiful children. So worth the struggles.

Above all. Above everything. I am a mother. It will be my biggest accomplishment. It will be my mark on this world.

Now that last year is officially behind me i took a few moments today to think about the year ahead, reminisce about last year.

I looked around my home. Taking stock. The kids were running around. Playing doctor with the cats. Wrapping them in bandages, carrying them around on pretend stretchers. I was napping, helping put together christmas gifts, getting tristan's new sewing machine to work. Making snacks. It felt like home. Really like home. Peaceful, calm and happy. Comfortable. Everything i hoped for in my home.

We laughed when someone left the kitchen sink running and overflowed all over the floor. We took turns moping, skating around on the water. Declaring new years day the annual flood your kitchen day. Things that could have been stress provoking being just an accident. Just a part of the chaos.

That is how i always want my house to be. A place where we can all make mistakes. We can fix the things we can and maybe learn something from some others and forgive the rest.

That's my first goal for this year.

My second goal i thought of while i was outside after dinner getting firewood. I looked in through the beautiful leaded glass windows at the coloured lights in the living room, the kids all cozied up in front of the fire it was then that i really understood my new responsibilities. I have to take care of this home and these children. Financially. Emotionally. Physically. For five days every week i am their provider. To do that i have to keep my mental health a priority. I have to keep ahead of the tides that sometimes creep up on me. I have to stay in control. I will do that with medication, vitamins, healthy diet, exercise, sleep and moderation in all things.

The other part is money. I love being a server. It is incredibly fulfilling for me. The food, the atmosphere, the people, the camaraderie with the other servers and kitchen staff. A nightly show. A nightly escape from all the other burdens of life. But, i'm going to be too old really soon and the work is so seasonal. I'll have to be very prudent to make it through the next three months till busy season arrives again. I need to figure out what my next step will be. Maybe school. I'm not sure yet. I'm giving myself this year to figure it out.

Lastly, for me. Just for me. I want to read more, i want to write more, i want to take more photos, i want to finish my novel, i want to go to blogher again, i want to be more social. Return phone calls. Make friends. Challenge myself in one of the hardest ways for me. But, i need to do that. I need friends.

I am feeling positive. This year things are going to be better for me.

I have discovered something wonderful.

Friendship.

I have always had a very hard time being a friend, making friends. Opening up. I haven't had any girlfriends since highschool. It had been so long that i forgot how wonderful it is to talk, really talk, with another woman. The common bond. The trust. The generosity of the human spirit.

I am so happy to be developing great friendships with some wonderful women. Home and far away.

The journey i am on has been such an interesting one. My life has taken so many twists in the past year. Being alone a few nights a week has been difficult. Difficult and inspiring.

I often wander around a little lost. Listen to music. Flip through channels. Will my computer to let me look at a few blogs. Or twitter. Then it fails me. I dance. I sing. I do laundry. I read books.

I think. Most of the things i wander around in the night doing are distractions from actually sitting down and thinking. Reflecting on this journey.

But i am thinking. Marvelling at how far i have come in the past few months.

Three months ago i was sitting on the edge. Letting life slip through my fingers.

A revelation in a hospital bed. Straightening up. Seeing clearly the path of destruction behind me. Looking in the bright eyes of my children. Seeing a future that was different. A future where i could be strong. I could be a woman they would be proud to know as adults.

They may be angry with me now. They may always be angry with me. But, i am here to be angry at. I am stronger. I am putting in the fight for life. The fight for a better life for me, which means a better life for them.

Summer is finally here. We had our first real lake day today.

After sports day and school and busy, busy, busy.

We just met at the beach. No plans. Nothing. Just a bunch of moms and kids.

And chips. And beer.

Tired moms descended. Kids happily playing. We drank some beer, planned camping trips, bitched about this and that.

I left feeling so happy. These days are my very favourite part about living here.

And there are only three days of school left. I am so sad for that. Not because of endless days with my kids. I welcome the sleeping in, the adventures, no more packing lunches. I am going to miss playing with all the kids. I am going to miss impromptu lake outings.

They continue into the fall, but that seems like an eternity away.

The kids voted me "coolest mom." I hate to say how thrilled i was. Another mom was upset with me. How i hurt her ego. I brushed it off and said it was because i played Red Rover. But really, i work damn hard to make life easy and fun for my kids, in spite of myself, and i am happy for any acknowledgement.

I've been thinking about when i was in miami in the fall.

Those are my birthday toes, complete with blogher blue nailpolish still on them. I really must pay more detail to personal grooming.

I have been very sick with the flu, general malaise. For the first time i can ever remember i have been able to sleep at the drop of a hat.

Sesame Street? Sleep time.

Big kids home to babysit? sleep time.

The moment i see shane's headlights in the driveway? sleep time.

I have been to bed before the kids twice this week. I slept from 4 till 9 tonight and i am ready to go back to bed.

I have listened in absolute jealousy as other grown-ups have come down with the plague-like flu taking over our school and have gone to bed for days on end. Yet, i have had to forge on, taking care of sick kids.

And i miss miami where i could sleep to my will's content.

This weekend is a weekend for sleeping.

Have a nice one. See you monday.

I woke up this morning in a fog, thinking did i really write that last night? Are things really getting better for me?

And i looked at the clock. 7:47am. Shane? Gone. School starting in 33 minutes. Must feed four kids breakfast, make four lunches, makes sure all clothed and teeth brushed (screw the hair). Most important, and before any of that, must have coffee.

Close eyes for a moment.

Yes! I really wrote that and this doesn't stress me out at all. Who cares if we are a little late. Why not let the kids pack their lunches while i shower? Brilliant.

And so those 33 minutes passed peacefully, everybody helping or watching tv quietly and we were backing out of the driveway at 8:31. Arrived at school five minutes late. Happily.

Kisses and hugs for all.

Now, i'm not saying that things have changed overnight. I have struggled long and hard to come to a place where i even felt a tiny bit happy and okay in this world. Where i could force myself to smile inwardly, all the while hating myself for making this beautiful life so difficult.

And things will still be tough.

I have many burdens on my back, bad habits and old habits that i fall back on. I haven't really eaten for several days. The clonazepam does that to me. I haven't really noticed yet because i am using up my winter stores first.

But. But! It is valentines tomorrow and my marriage may be up and down and rocky, but i can tell you that i am deeply in love. And happy to have him.