I am two espressos into the morning. I keep forgetting to buy coffee beans. This morning i sent my daughter across the road to the coffee shop to get me something. Instead of drip she came back with the thick syrupy espresso.

I like this. I like this village living. I like the streetlights.

I haven't lived near streetlights for six years. I wander home from work, late at night, under their orange glow. The village is empty, quiet, peaceful. The flashing red light at the intersection is the center of my universe.

The kids rush in from school, tossing backpacks and the day aside. Grabbing pocketfuls of snacks and run back out the door to find friends and wander the village giggling and laughing and getting up to the perfection of kid trouble.

I watch them from the windows of the restaurant. They march by in packs of two's and three's. I sneak out the side door to watch and listen. "Doesn't your mom work there?" There are whispers and adrenaline as they embrace this new freedom.

They are village rats now. They own this town. All three square blocks of it.

I have this uneasy feeling. This fluttering in my chest. I remember when fluttering in my chest meant i was in the presence of someone i was madly in love with. Fluttering now is part of my constant state of anxiety and sorrow.

I am so tired of being the bad guy in this town, in this relationship, in this conversation.

Going through a divorce sucks. It sucks you dry. The pulling apart of two lives. Some parts like crazy glue. Those years shared. Some of them really great, some of them really crappy. All the years in between where we just existed, like many couples do. Just getting through the days, the work, the children.

It has been over two years since we first separated.

For two years i have been the subject of gossip and assumption. Two years is a long time to hold your head high.

If i could have one wish it would be to go back to the day i made the decision to screw it all up and kick myself in the shins.

It's not that simple though. I would have to go back many more years and kick my ex-husband in the shins. Tell him to listen to me, to respect me, to help me.

And then i'd have to go back through all the years and kick myself a few more times and kick a bunch of other people along the way.

A life unfolds. Things happen, good and bad, mundane and thrilling. All of these events in my life that formed me. I remember them all. Separation anxiety, shoplifting, eating disorders, crazy crushes, depression, mania, date rape, death, abortion, drugs, alcohol, love, happiness, sadness, birth, children, passion, desire, heartbreak.

And the one person who knew me better than anyone else, who held my secrets in his heart and my heart in his hands is gone. Free to spill my secrets out to the world.

I'm thinking it's probably a good thing i didn't end up being a stay-at-home mom to four school aged children.

Although i have had more days with sick kids around than not since school started in september, these days when i am home alone for five hours? I go stir crazy.

I think i don't know how to be alone. I know i don't know how to be alone.

I have friends that lunch, and yoga, and hike. Sometimes i think i should be doing those things. I should be climbing mountains, drinking wine over raunchy conversation, teetering around in high heels and put together bodies.

I should have friends. I joined Bitches Who Brunch knowing full well i would never, absolutely ever, show up.

I am socially inept. I am exactly what people think of when they hear about women who spend their days on twitter and facebook. I am a geek.

Geek sounds too romantic.

I am the living, breathing picture of social anxiety.

I can get all up in your face on the internet because i don't have to talk to you. I don't use any live chat applications, i rarely answer emails, i log in to skype in the very wee hours of the night to talk to one person. I never go "online."

I am alone, i choose to be alone, but i feel paralyzed by being alone.

My two youngest kids spent many nights in the hospital when they were young. Eliza was hospitalized on nine separate occasions for asthma, pneumonia and the flu. Parker has been hospitalized four times for pneumonia. They both continue to take singular, steroids and a puffer for asthma.

Tristan tested positive for H1N1 earlier this week. It has been over two years since we have had a stay on the pediatric floor. Sometimes i go long lengths of time not thinking about their weakened immune system, when the swine flu epidemic gained momentum a few weeks ago i began researching the vaccine and had decided that we needed to get it. As a mother the thought of putting my children at risk, in any way, is not an option. The risks of vaccination, for me, have always been outweighed by the risk of illness.

The fact that H1N1 entered my home before the vaccine was available is beyond frustrating and alarming.

In the mornings, when i don't see them, i feel out of focus. Like i'm missing something, forgetting.

I sneak onto the schoolgrounds, just to get a glimpse of them. To see them. It's like when a baby is born and you count the toes and fingers, just to make sure.

As divorce papers have begun to be processed and worked out. Fists slamming down on tables. I have been feeling very anxious. Hurting all over, all again.

This was not the plan.

Anxiety has returned with a crushing force. Always when i am driving. My body starts to tingle, my mind clicks and fits and sputters.

I can't breathe. I can't breathe. Somebody hold me. Hold me.

Empty houses are unbearable. This house is so cold and dark. I've started taking medicine to help me sleep. I get very lonely in the night and i need sleep to help me escape.

I dreamt of growing old and wise. I dreamed of you.

I can't believe that summer vacation is almost over. The last two weeks have been more like a nightmare and a lot less like a holiday.

Of all the skills i possess, organization would rank somewhere near tidy at the bottom of the list. Packing up all of our stuff to be delivered to a storage locker and a new rental house in the span of three days, while working and dealing with fire chiefs and insurance adjusters and a multitude of other professionals, has thrown into light all the ways my brain was not functioning well last week. Somewhere deep in a storage locker is the charger for my camera, a paycheque, my coffee grinder and two cupboards worth of dry good foodstuffs. Oh, and all, save for one, of my white work shirts. I'm sure as days go by we will figure out everything else that went to the storage locker instead of with us.

With school starting on tuesday we have begun the arduous process of purchasing new clothes for my children who grew several inches in the summer sun. Yesterday i took tristan shopping at my favourite store. I wanted to see if she would fit in ladies sizes. We came home with two pairs of skinny jeans and an authentic "bella" jacket for her.

I can't believe how fast she is growing. The changes from 11-12 have been more astounding to watch than 0-2 were. Soon we will be sharing clothes.

The other night we watched a movie in bed together while the rest of the house slept. We didn't talk much, but it was a great bonding moment for us. I would happily hang out with her all the time. She is such an amazing girl.

Stress has been eating at me. Eating away my insides. When i think of all the things i have to do, my giant to-do list that sits unchecked day after day. I am paralyzed into nothingness. Phone calls not dialed, not returned. The daunting inbox.

When i flip open my notebook, see all i have to do my bowels turn and i find myself running for the bathroom and then lay spent on my bed. Picking up a book to escape in instead of that damn list.

The kids bounce in and out of my room. What are we doing, where are we going, what should we do?

And again we escape on fun adventures. Days in the city, in the movies, at music festivals. Late night skinny dips in the lake.

And that list sits there. Goes unchecked.

The other night i just simply broke down. Tears flowed. I cried in my friends arms. I can't do this. A simple "yes you can." Yes i can.

And we danced in the kitchen to loud music, singing as loud as we could. I crashed in a heap in bed. I woke. I woke and knew i could do it.

Thinking back over this past year fills me with such depths of emotion. The thrill, returning from BlogHer last year and knowing that i was ready to try and rekindle my marriage, kickstart an epic romance.

And when we did that dance of "should i shouldn't i" we found ourselves sitting face to face on the balcony late at night. We poured out or souls to each other. All of the regrets. All of the apologies. We held each others hands and committed to our best shot. Toasted to the promises that we made each other in 1995 on our wedding day.

A few days later i posted an infamous post on twitter "yo, married again." And we were greeted with thunderous applause. Everywhere we went people congratulated us, were genuinely happy to see a family reconnected.

But quickly, too quickly it started to change. The love changed. As i watched each leaf fall from the trees last autumn i felt like little bits of hope were dropping from my life. Doubt turned to fear and fear turned to anger. By christmas we were living as roommates, almost as strangers. I would look at him across the table in the morning, at dinner, at counseling and wonder "who is this man?"

The love we had, the love we hoped for, the love we wanted seemed beyond fingers reach.

And suddenly i realize i am going to BlogHer again in one short week. And i am not married again.

I sit outside and listen to a large party happening across the way. Across the field. I can hear music and people laughing. And i think if i stretch my ear just right i can hear barefooted children running about and reveling in the intoxication of adult parties and being out in the dark of night.

At first the sounds of summer at the lake make me smile. Then as i sit and sip my wine and find myself all alone and i imagine those kids and those families it all rushes in. It rushes as it wants to do.

The things i have lost, the things i have never had, the things i may never do.

For the most part it easy to be strong. It's a walking with blinders. A focus on the road ahead, not the road left behind. A parent, a home, a job. Perhaps some idle thoughts on love and careers and lost book deals and missed opportunity.

But there are these nights where i miss my children so much. It's like a gaping hole in my abdomen. Those parts of me that grew babies and loved them and gave them everything is gone. Those pieces of me go with them when they sleep in other places. Sometimes these nights are unbearable and i wander and i turn up the sad songs. I want to talk to someone but there is nobody there.

I always arrive exactly on the dot of the time i said i would when it is time to pick them up. And we come home and the house fills with their endless chatter. And the ground echoes as their grubby summer feet run in and out of rooms and grass and gardens. And once again i feel whole and strong.

I've been thinking about the difference in the way men and women are treated when a marriage ends. The different things we do. The ways we cope.

this is the worst night i ever had

Women want to swoop in and help the fallen man. Make sure he is okay, that he is handling all the extra work. Bake a casserole. Talk about their single friends.

Men want to take him out for a beer, make sure he is hanging in. But nothing to intimate. A toast to better chicks.

you won't be happy with me

Women are scared of me. I could be you. They have an idea of how hard it is, but don't want to acknowledge it.

Men are scared of me.

Someone else's might not have made me so sad

Men run fast to a new relationship. Desperation. Validation. Sexual need. I don't know.

Women retreat. Work on creating new families. A new kind of family life. Jump in to work and finances and stability. Trying to recreate what a man provided.

* "100,000 Fireflies" Superchunk and awesomely covered by Magnetic Fields.

It feels like when i have the kids with me all is right in the world.

Yesterday i bought a badminton net for the backyard. Toby and i set it up and then we had a mom versus kids tournament well into the sunset and finished reluctantly when the mosquitoes threatened to eat us alive.

It was one of those great evenings. We haven't had nearly enough of those. It's so easy to get caught up in the rush and whimsy of the day only to run out of hours before you get to the good stuff.

School is so close to being over i can taste it. We have been in the lake every day since saturday. We've had ice cream and loungy afternoons. We've booked our first camping trip scheduled to depart the hour school gets out for summer.

Almost three months with all day together. It is in those months that working nights seems very okay.

It has been a bit of a rough week, a rough patch. It's bound to happen. Things have gone from friendly to courteous. I suppose it was imminent, but losing a friend is hard.

I find myself calling on strangers to help me solve dilemmas because i have no one to chat to. I sit in the evenings stressing about money and car purchases and what the hell do i do moments.

It's the little things we miss right?

It's the big things too. Not single parenting. That's the big one. The five days i have the kids are full of chaos and rushing and oh my god we're late again! The days are long when i work in the evenings and they are long for the kids too. School and homework and babysitters. They have the weekends to recharge, but not with me. I'm so anxious for summer to get here so that we can spend the days together. It's so close, but the four weeks to get there are daunting and large.

In september they will all be in school all day. No more back and forth and back and forth. My last four weeks with one of them home with me most of the day. Another milestone passing. There aren't many more. Graduations and boyfriends and girlfriends.

I am feeling a little melancholy. A little what the hell happened here? A little stressed. But, this too shall pass. It always does. It's just the getting to there part.

We had an extended four day weekend, the second this month, that brought the usual mix of work and family.

The kids have been going back and forth between houses quite a bit which seems to be working well for them. It means less time with babysitters and more time with mom and dad. It's hard for me because, well, i miss them and i want them with me. I know that's just being greedy on my part and they are much happier with their dad than a babysitter - plus i save a bunch of money.

Today the kids and i went to see "earth" and then spent the rest of the afternoon talking about nature and "why couldn't the person running the camera show that baby elephant the right way to go?" I remember watching the Disney nature shows as a kid and thinking the exact same thing. I still kind of wonder why actually. I guess that's why my career as a nature photographer never panned out. I would be the idiot trying to feed that starving polar bear my sandwich and be pissed when he ate me instead.

Nature, animals, they are my weak spot and i am secretly thrilled to see my little Eliza growing the same sensitive heart. we sat side by side in tears through much of the movie.

I have been thinking about time, the passing of years. I am half way through my life if my genes are any indication. My lifestyle, on the other hand, could put some variables in that equation.

Stress. I try to remain calm. I try to let things happen as they may, repeating over and over in my head "things always work out as they are supposed to." But stress gets the better of me often. Sometimes it's the mornings, getting the kids to school. It's actually more like forcing them to school. Pretty much every day i have one child who refuses to go and i have to physically shove them in the car and then drag them to class. Sometimes it's money. Handing over all my tips to the babysitter, realizing that i've come out even with a gas tank blinking on empty.

Sleep. I love the nights. I love staying up late when the house is silent except for the crackling of the fire. Aimlessly cruising around the internet, curled up in bed reading until i have to close one eye to still see the words. This late night lust leads to lack of sleep and morning struggles. I just can't break the habit. No matter how tired i am in the day i always perk up at night. I think my sleep debt after all the years of child-induced sleep deprivation and the following years of being a night owl is reaching epic proportions.

Food. Although i love food. I love the ritual of cooking for my family. I love dining out. Although i love all those things there are very few days that go by where i actually manage to eat properly, instead i focus my energy on feeding the kids and the customers.

I realize at this midway point in my life i need to take on a healthier attitude about my life, but in so many ways it suits me just fine.

The kids and i planted our first seeds in the vegetable garden yesterday. The weather has made an almost alarming turn to heat. Hot, hot, heat. The kids have been rallying me for the first swim in the lake which i will probably attempt tomorrow after school.

I have been thinking about patterns in relationships. How the pattern, in my experience is more like a spiral. Starting at one perfect point and then slowly, unevenly, rotates outward from that. Usually, you kind of see that you're off kilter as you get towards the outside of the spiral and head back towards the center.

I think that my pattern of behaviour has been to jump ship. Abandon the sinking boat.

I've been wondering why i do that. The counselor would have said that it is all to do with something, some loss from childhood. A fear of being abandoned myself.

I'm not sure what it means to figure this out. I'm just trying to figure it out. It's been such a hard couple of years. I feel like so much time has been lost. So many possibilities destroyed. I just want to move forward understanding the backwards.

I have been trying to write a post all day.

I don't know how to say what i need to say without hurting people.

The days are hard and the nights are hard.

Moments of clarity strike me with incredible sadness and braveness. I feel everything all at once. Reading to parker tonight, him smelling lovely and lavender after a bath. I was struck with my intense love for him and, at the same time, the sadness.

"I love you parker" i said in between chapters of Magic TreeHouse. "I love you too."

Our days together are such a grab bag of emotions. We flow through them. The kids cruising between intense emotions, expecting me to follow their abrupt changes. It is harder for me, an adult. I can't love and hate in a single minute. Their outbursts weigh heavy on me. And they come often and in waves. I am left exhausted at the dinner table. Trying to deal with it all, and deal with myself, and not lose my patience. And let's not forget that internal fear of not being the "better" parent. My house is a hovel compared to their other. I feel i need to make up for it in love and fun. Though i lay awake at night knowing that is crazy. That they are lucky to have two loving homes. Two parents whom adore them.

I lay awake at night wondering how all this happened. Writing entire novels in my head. Working it all out, making sense of it.

I wake in the morning at a lost for words because i am lost in words.

The prospect of dating looming in my former husbands mind and so far from mine. The prospect of another life with someone else is unfathomable to me. I feel lost in this.

It is beautiful out, really beautiful. Every year when spring finally shows up i breathe a deep sigh of relief. I made it. I made it through six months of grey, six months of being cold, six months of fighting back the demons in my head.

It's hard to believe that is has been two years since my last depression started it's debilitating crescendo. That i have continued on a positive path, mentally. That despite this being two of the most challenging years for me, emotionally speaking, that i have maintained an even keel.

There have been blips on the radar. But nothing major, nothing breaking.

Toby stayed home from school with me today so that we could work on his science project together. One on one. I have been worried about him. He has been moody, constantly shifting from anger to sadness with only brief periods of calm or happiness.

I often look at my children, observe their behaviours, and wonder who? Who will be like me? Please don't let them suffer like i have and if they do, please let them have love and support and let me be there for them.

And i worry for toby. He is so fragile. He is so intense.

We worry for them. They get the best of us and the worst.

And so we spent the morning together. We built his periscope and while we fumbled with mirrors and scissors we talked. We talked about feeling sad. That we all feel sad sometimes and that it's okay because the sad helps us to see the world a little differently. To better enjoy the happy moments. All these feelings we are going through in this house are totally normal. We are learning how to make this new disjointed reality feel normal. To make two houses feel like home. To be one family in two places.

I have had a great few days. Work was fantastic this week, busy restaurant, happy customers.

Home has been wonderful. The kids have been with me this weekend. We spent the day yesterday getting prepared to adopt a cat from the SPCA. We brought mia home late yesterday afternoon and she promptly hid so well that it took us half an hour to find her. She hasn't really come out of hiding yet and i am second guessing the whole rescuing an adult cat thing. We shall see. It's not exactly a clam and soothing house, more like total chaos followed by extreme sleep.

This morning we worked together to rake up the back yard and then went on a walk along the train tracks up to the village for lunch and ice cream cones. We feel happy. Happy to be together.

They are doing amazingly well. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the tears, for the questions. For now i am happy to just let this happiness sit for awhile.

I feel so much better, more whole, when they are around. Otherwise i sit alone long into the wee hours of the night. Pacing and thinking and making silly videos of myself singing along really loud and really badly to my favourite songs trying my hardest to avoid writing cryptic things on twitter or facebook.

It's been two weeks today.

I knew it was going to be an emotional journey, the first few months. Though i've been here before, separated and single, it is tougher this time. It is tougher because it feels final. Permanent.

The change seems permanent and i can't help feeling like a failure. I failed at marriage. I failed at trying to rebuild a marriage. The reasons it didn't work are simple on one level, but deeply rooted in pain and damage on the other level.

Shane and i have been getting along very well. Too well. We do better - we are nicer to each other, we love each other more - when we aren't together. Sigh. It's a complicated thing, always reminding me of the fine line between love and hate. Anger and passion.

I am trudging along, head toward the future. Small accomplishments. Getting the kids to school on time, making nice dinners, getting all the homework done. Managing the house, keeping the fire going for four days straight, keeping my children safe and warm. Turning on my happy self at work so that i can make customers happy and they, in turn, can make me happy by giving me enough money to buy some more wood.

Things coming around again and again that will push me through this transition.