I am two espressos into the morning. I keep forgetting to buy coffee beans. This morning i sent my daughter across the road to the coffee shop to get me something. Instead of drip she came back with the thick syrupy espresso.

I like this. I like this village living. I like the streetlights.

I haven't lived near streetlights for six years. I wander home from work, late at night, under their orange glow. The village is empty, quiet, peaceful. The flashing red light at the intersection is the center of my universe.

The kids rush in from school, tossing backpacks and the day aside. Grabbing pocketfuls of snacks and run back out the door to find friends and wander the village giggling and laughing and getting up to the perfection of kid trouble.

I watch them from the windows of the restaurant. They march by in packs of two's and three's. I sneak out the side door to watch and listen. "Doesn't your mom work there?" There are whispers and adrenaline as they embrace this new freedom.

They are village rats now. They own this town. All three square blocks of it.

the new house! from jess howard on Vimeo.

They are tearing down my house. Well, they are tearing it 1/2 down. They will cut it down to five feet above ground and then they will raise it 6 inches and build it again. It will still sit on the same foundation. It will still have it's old, blistered and bony feet. The feet which have carried it through the past 100 years.

As it is taken apart more stories unfold from within the walls. Five additions over the years, one brought in from somewhere else. What started as a little one room house on several acres of land has been subdivided and added on. Fifty homes built around it. Families coming and going. A neighborhood created.

If we are lucky we will move into our home in march. Things being what they are, we are thinking april so as not to set ourselves up for disappointment.

Despite the beautiful autumn outside my window. Oranges and reds reflected off the lake, morning mists, and canada geese floating by. Despite all the beauty i am anxious to get out of this house. To have my things, to read the books hiding away in boxes in storage lockers.

I feel spoiled. I should be appreciating this opportunity to live in expensive, expansive waterfront homes. I have not been taking very good care of myself. My appetite has faded to a whimper. I forget to eat and when hunger calls i can't think of a single thing that i want. I've been staying up way too late. I've been waiting for the results of my biopsy, i should have heard by now, but can't bring myself to call. My to-do list sits undone. I find it easy to not look at it.

I sit and look out the windows at the lake. iTunes on shuffle. Drinking tea and thinking about all the things. All the things.

tell me does this mean you're moving on

this morning i sat outside a coffee shop across the street from my house, the burnt house (that's what we call it to differentiate from "new rental" and "old rental"), i watched as all the trucks rolled in for another day of work. stripping the house down to it's bones. before the floor was put back on over the new foundation we found a cat skeleton. all fangs and ominousness.

from the balcony you call my name

i was sitting with my ex-husband, feeling distracted from conversation by the sounds of power tools and wood ripping free of nails. thinking about the strange irony i felt talking about divorce papers in the midst of my stalled future home.

i get the strangest looks from that bitchy crowd

i saw a lawyer the other day to go over a separation agreement i stupidly signed two years ago without getting legal advice. it's not that i am unhappy with how we divided our assets, i just felt that i needed someone to tell me what my gut already knew. knew that divorce, even in the best of circumstances, is a messy thing. no matter how we form the words into legal jargon, someone is going to get hurt. someone is going to feel taken advantage of, but, it needs to be done. we need to wrap it all up into a tidy manila envelope that we file away amongst mortgages and wills.

does this mean you're moving on

there comes a time, a morning you wake up and know it is time to move on. time to let go of all that love and anger. tuck all those memories of a life lived into your heart, somewhere safe and warm. somewhere you can let all the good parts trickle into memory and the bad things fade away.

*thank you Airborne Toxic Event for the music that has filled my heart these past few months.

I can't believe that summer vacation is almost over. The last two weeks have been more like a nightmare and a lot less like a holiday.

Of all the skills i possess, organization would rank somewhere near tidy at the bottom of the list. Packing up all of our stuff to be delivered to a storage locker and a new rental house in the span of three days, while working and dealing with fire chiefs and insurance adjusters and a multitude of other professionals, has thrown into light all the ways my brain was not functioning well last week. Somewhere deep in a storage locker is the charger for my camera, a paycheque, my coffee grinder and two cupboards worth of dry good foodstuffs. Oh, and all, save for one, of my white work shirts. I'm sure as days go by we will figure out everything else that went to the storage locker instead of with us.

With school starting on tuesday we have begun the arduous process of purchasing new clothes for my children who grew several inches in the summer sun. Yesterday i took tristan shopping at my favourite store. I wanted to see if she would fit in ladies sizes. We came home with two pairs of skinny jeans and an authentic "bella" jacket for her.

I can't believe how fast she is growing. The changes from 11-12 have been more astounding to watch than 0-2 were. Soon we will be sharing clothes.

The other night we watched a movie in bed together while the rest of the house slept. We didn't talk much, but it was a great bonding moment for us. I would happily hang out with her all the time. She is such an amazing girl.

Hello, is this thing on?

I have been away from the internet more in the past week than i have been in thirteen years. In october 1996 i joined a group of online, early adopter moms, who were expecting babies in june1997. That group changed my life. I became an internet geek through and through. Back then it was really difficult to explain how i had "online" friends. Now, so many years later, that has not changed so much, except i don't feel awkward about it. I have these amazing friends who i hope to see once a year, but our bond is tight as tight can be.

Anyway, i have missed you. For the first time i have been too overwhelmed to connect. I have had to have faith that you are still there. That you will be there when i return. Raw and drained.

And so, in a lack of dénouement, i am here. I am living in a lovely place and i am feeling happy and positive. Life has given me a beautiful home to live in while my dream home is rebuilt. I plan on making a video of this home and my burnt home as soon as i have a minute. But, in the background i hear that pesky insurance adjuster calling my name.

Thanks for everything internet, i love you.