Camping was great as camping is want to be. The kids and i had a great time just being away from the rush of the school/work schedule.

I love the campsite we went to. It's perfect for kids - lots of freedom to spend days riding bikes, combing the beach for shells and lounging around the campfire. I spent hours at the beach watching the kids and the mountains and the ocean. Thinking. Thinking.

I am searching for answers i just can't find. I keep searching my soul, my heart asking, begging, for answers. It's so hard.

I had to switch my focus back to the kids. Answers don't magically arrive. I need to keep myself in the present. I can't change the past and i can't see into the future. I can, however, live right now. Right here in these magical days of childhood bliss.

I need to be more present for the kids. When i get lost in my own problems, my own space, i'm not there for them and i am certainly not parenting well. I find myself being less patient, quicker to snap. I don't like it when i behave like that, though at times they quite simply are being little rotters. Mostly though they are kids who've had a tough year too and they just want to be with me and spend some quality time.

Camping did that for us.

Camping was amazing. The kids enjoyed total and complete freedom to just be. Normal rules by the wayside. Yummy food. Good friends. No baths.

I enjoyed being around good friends. Leaving all the stresses and worries behind.

I snuck away a few times to sit alone on the beach and contemplate life and the state of my mind.

I truly feel some healing happening up there. Letting go of the things, the feelings, that bind me. I am at a 3 or 4 now. I will never be a 10. I know that. I will always sink into despair - moments, days, weeks. But, i also have friends, family, shane. People who love me as i love them. People that never give up on me.

The kids and shane left today.

I am enjoying an amazing day by myself. Two softball games. Plenty of beer league fun.

I will be watching this sunset tomorrow.

See you thursday.

Last April.

This April?

Go Canucks!

When i was in the hospital all i could think about was the ways i was letting my children down. That is the curse of motherhood made worse by depression.

Look at all those other moms on their blogs i would think. They bake. They sew. They garden. They do crafts, with their kids! As much as i love blogging it has this way of making you feel insufficient as a mother. Sometimes i feel like it's a competition to see who has the best house, the best craft room, the best photos of their projects. What happened to just being a mom? Why is it so damn hard for me to even think about those things?

I am not crafty by nature. I love to cook, but my kids hate food. I don't love to bake - too much mess, too many calories.

I used to love looking at all the pretty houses and pretty things people made. Now it just makes me feel more like a failure or give me this desire to compete.

That's not what i want. I want to hear all your stories. I want to hear celebrations of the terrible days and the whimsical days of motherhood.

So. Today we drove to victoria and had lunch with dad, then we went to the evil giant mall which made it all too clear to me how ragamuffin my kids are, we visited the giant toy store where we wandered every aisle and my kids marvelled at all the stuff, rode the bikes, sat in the cars, played with the trains, and then we left. They asked for nothing. The mere adventure of seeing ALL THAT STUFF was enough for them. Then we came home and drove over to their school and while i did some painting on one of the portables and a little work in the garden they played happily. For hours.

That's it. Now they are sitting at home watching shane's new band record some songs.

It is such a simple life. But, today, i am very happy for it.

For the past two days we have spent every minute from around 2:00 in the afternoon until the sun begins to set at the lake. We have been surrounded by friends from school, plenty of snacks and some smuggled beer.

The kids have had a wonderful first week of school. And so have i. I have spent my time playing duck, duck goose with a bunch of the cutest five year olds possible.

We went camping on a little island called Thetis. A little island where the first thing you see as you drive off the ferry is a sign that says "no camping on thetis island." We, being in the know, had access to this little private campsite with eight sights along 14 acres of waterfront. It was perfect.

It was everything that i needed. From the moment i arrived i let everything else go. I was happy to just be. Be in the moment. Forget about all the things that are making me feel sad.

It was a magical four days. I cried when we got home. Cried for the things i have to deal with. Cried because i just wanted to stay on that island where life was easy and simple.

Rathtrevor Provincial Park, for those of you in the vicinity, is the most awesome place to spend a few days with your children.

I am back feeling rejuvenated, happy and like i finally 'get it.' I get why people go camping.

I pictured lots of hard work and very little sleep. Grumpy, bored kids. I couldn't have been more wrong.

The campsite was full of families and tons of kids. Tristan and Toby and the other four kids we were with disappeared early in the morning and would return every hour or so to check in. Other than that we rarely saw them. They have never had that kind of freedom. The freedom to be kids like i remember it. The exhilaration of riding fast on your bike with a group of other kids, meeting new friends from different places, making fun happen.

The fun for my kids was hanging out at the playground and showers. They made themselves the managers of the bicycle wash. Spending hours washing all the bikes they could and, eventually, moving onto cars. They made $1.13. It was like gold in their hands.

I enjoyed having three friends to help me take care of parker and eliza and to spend my time with. Late nights and some newly discovered and delicious red wine around the campfire made my life, even briefly, seem normal. The opposite of lonely. That was what camping was for me. I realized, as i struggled to put my thoughts into conversations, that i have spent so many of the past years thinking in photographs and words that forming actual thoughts verbally is much more difficult than letting them rattle around in your brain and, eventually, spill out onto the keyboard.

And. I did see this sunset.

for your viewing pleasure

Remember how i was all sad and lonely all winter? How it rained and rained and then rained a little more?

But then it was spring. It was spring and i felt much better.

Spring is gone. It lasted a couple weeks, at most. Since then it has rained and rained and rained a little more. The only difference is it is now warm and rainy and my hair is a frizzy mess.

That picture reminds me of some U2 cover or something. I can't quite recall. They look thrilled though, no?

We left the country today to go to the city and visit the little farm animals at the petting zoo. The irony was not lost on the kids either.

The difference was that we actually knew the names of all the breeds of chickens and when we were watching the ducks and a boy jumped on a girl tristan yelled "he's fertilizing her!"

Some people nearby doubled over laughing, but really she was exactly right. That's how eggs get fertilized. Then we went on to the bunnies and toby said "look african chihuahuas!" Huh? The same people heard this one and laughed really loud and said "those kids crack me up!"

They crack me up too.

Except maybe parker who lately has become this monster two year old. He screamed in bed for an hour last night because he wanted;

"JUICE!!!"

"I REALLY LOVE JUICE!!!!"

"MOOOOOMMMMM! JUICE! PLEASE MOM!!"

Whoa nelly is he stubborn. He's been throwing so many extended screaming fits that his voice is hoarse. I am at a loss. I don't remember my other kids being this way. I say that a lot. "I don't remember it being this hard last time?!" Since the day we found out he was coming that line has been whimpered, spat, cursed and lovingly spewed from my mouth on an almost daily basis.

Oh how i love him. "His persistance is his best quality." That's what toby's preschool teacher said to me once. We dropped out soon after.

But, we had a wonderful day. Petting zoo, stroll in the park, playground, bird watching, snacks in the park, another playground, bare feet in the sand, the good bookstore at the mall, new books all around! and then dinner out and drive home.

As we were pulling into our driveway eliza said "mom, you're a really good mother."

Who needs anything else?

We have snow! A lot of snow! It's a snow day!

Watching my kids leap out of bed this morning so excited to see the ground piling up with snow filled me with such joy and fond memories. When i was young there was nothing better than waking up to a sheet of fluffy white outside.

I have lots of pictures i took yesterday and i will take more today. Including pictures of our first shiner!

One of the things lacking from my rural home is a lack of colour. More specifically and without meaning to be politically incorrect, i miss my gay friends. I live in heterosexual land. To be fair we do have a couple of wonderful two mommy families at the kids school. I am grateful to have them around so that my children can be exposed to, at least, a little bit of "alternative" lifestyle. As an aside i hate having to say alternative - what is the better way to say that?

Anyway, before i dig myself into a hole any larger, i have missed my friends in the city from all different walks of life. Until a few days ago.

Our new neighbour had noticed my chickens across the road (why do they cross the road?) and came over to introduce himself and ask if he could buy eggs from us. The kids and i went over later with a couple dozen eggs for him and he introduced us to his partner. Another charming fellow. I don't know if it's wrong of me to be so thrilled to see some new character in my neighbourhood, but i really want my kids to meet and know all the different kinds of families and people there are in the world. I want them to be compassionate and caring and respectful. I want them to know that the world is wide open for them.

The funny part is that the following day i noticed a big pile of feathers in the yard and a hen was missing. I mentioned to the kids that checkers the hen was missing and we went on with our day. It actually snowed on saturday so the kids and i went to search out toboganning spots in the neighbourhood. As we passed our new neighbours house i saw him out on his step and waved. He yelled out "Jess! Is that you?" I walked up his driveway to say hi and he continued with:

"I'm not sure how to tell you this. I feel so bad. As i was walking my dog by your house earlier she ran in and caught one of your chickens! I chased her home and then she just spit it out. The chicken seemed fine and so i thought she'd just go home. But, i came outside an hour ago and she's sitting by my door and she's really freaking me out!"

I couldn't help but laugh.

He said "I can't believe it. You meet your neighbour one day and your dog eats their chickens the next!"

"Don't worry" i told him and went and scooped up checkers.

"Oh my god! You just pick them up! Carry them around!"

The chicken was fine. She has a few puncture wounds - nothing life threatening. And now my new neighbour, fresh from the city has a good story to tell and hopefully i have a new friend on the block.

Winter has arrived! For most of canada it would seem.

We are in the midst of a major storm and cold front. -15c. tonight apparently. Anyways, my power keeps going out and will probably soon go out for the long haul. The joys of country living (in the valley).

Parker is, i guess, officially weaned. Boobyless. He's a trooper. But he is waking up more than ever. Foiled again. I am hoping this is a temporary setback and soon blissful sleep will be mine.

I had a long meeting at the school today with a facilitator regarding some strategic planning. He called me a "chronic overachiever." It's had me thinking all day.

My parents would probably say i'm an underachiever. Not taking advantage of my education. Only a mom. I think about this all the time in regards to my daughters. When they tell me they want to be a mother it fills me with joy, yet at the same time, i want more for them. Why is that? Am i ashamed of who i am? Do i want more for me? Will i be employable after ten years at home? Why the hell do i spend full time equivalent hours volunteering for the school?

He asked me that, the facilitator, "have you thought about getting a job?"

Powers flickering. See you soon. I hope, unless the trees fall.

and the sun? it did shine!

We spent the morning outside! Outside in the sun watching a good old fashioned cock fight. Huh?

Yes! Yesterday i brought home a bunch of new chickens and a rooster. I was the proud owner of one huge rooster for about 4 minutes. Until i attempted to open the box and lift him out. He flew out of that box and ran shrieking into the woods. We saw him briefly this morning when he set off the start motor on every rooster i had and fights broke out. It was quite the bloody cock fighting mess. Really i just wanted to say cock fight as many times as possible. Cock fight!

I've been trying to avoid cursing as it seems like the polite thing to do. But. But! Shit and fucking fuck! It is still raining here!

We have had a few days without rain here and there. I think we have actually had two days without rain since november. November!

The past few days however have been freakishly monsoon like. Torrential wind and rain. My house is surrounded by two and three hundred foot cedars - hundreds of them. Plus, a bunch of equally tall birch and fir trees, several of which are dead. Dead and ready to fall. The other night as i listened to the wind howl i seriously considered writing a "just in case you never hear from me again" post.

Today the wind stepped it up a notch and the power has gone out three times, the last one for five hours. We had to eat dinner at mcdonalds! So gross. The occasional happy meal lunch i can handle. But dinner. For me. No way.

The power is probably going to go out again any moment. Wish us luck as we all hunker down together in one freezing, but smelly, room in our freezing, but clean, house.